Baby on the Brains: April 2021

Let's take a trip to Staples Center in Los Angeles, California

Our Trip starts at the heart of South Central, Los Angeles, Central Avenue.

Central Avenue, a street famous for its jazz and "The Avenue" of Black History in

Los Angeles.

Gigi Bryant

Let's get on the freeway and head to Staples Center

Gorgeous!

Once, all there was, was a structure with giants on it.

Let's take some surface streets

It's Staples Center!

We've gotta pull up to Staples Center!

I hope you enjoyed!

To learn more about Central Avenue, please visit Los Angeles Magazine's website:

L.A. Mag Website

A rough map of the areas we saw:

*Have a great day*

Therapy and Me - 5 or MIND OVER MOOD

4/26/21

I have a phone appointment with my therapist today. Silver lining....that I can speak to her just a few days after my PMDD episode. I wanted to cancel, but I'm sticking to it. Emotions are something I don't want to feel tooo heightened. It hurts to feel.

4/28/21

I take an intake survey before each therapy session, my scores were low. It reflected the rough last week I've had.

Two weeks ago Elsa and I spoke about writing, I intentionally asked if I should write the bad too, she said yes.

Turns out that writing isn't the right tool for me, at least not just writing what is on my mind. My thoughts can be toxic and bring me to a depressive state. Instead, she suggested I write about topics, good things, or do other activities. I need to stop focusing on all the bad things that my mind wants me to focus on. Elsa gave me a list of things to use as tools to give my mood a break, to break the hold it has on my brain. I made nature artwork as a gift for my husband's birthday. I'll take pictures when he opens it.

The BIG takeaway this week is:

MIND OVER MOOD - I need to take control of how I feel, and thus need to take control of what I do. This is hard, but I need to take inventory of my home, my lifestyle. Staying in a positive headspace is not enough, I have to actively seek ways to release the energy and make space for me.

Thanks for reading :)

Poem - An Intoxicating Delusion – 10/6/12

Drunk with power.

Floating, spewing destruction.

Love for thine ego,

uncaring.

My voice like a wild, ferocious, animal gnawing at my beloved with molars ripping through his flesh. Filled with passion for "righteous" truth.

Until I'm passed out from the pain:

the crying, the screaming, the fighting,

knocks me off my horse,

hits me where it hurts most.

Unloving of myself when it's over and I’m the mess.

The longing to make this fantasy cease!

Longing to erase my mortal sins.

Unprovoked, a lovely dove.

Once it starts, it must be stopped.

PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) apps to track your periods

I have been tracking my period for over two years. At first, my plan was to track my ovulation and my period. But as I researched my mood swings and depressive symptoms online, there seemed to be a link to my periods. That led to a deeper understanding of my mood swings and why it was not just PMS, but Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Tracking helped find patters, and patters show continuity. That helps doctors and other health care providers find a treatment plan sooner. If you suspect you have PMDD, tracking your moods or other symptoms can be a good place to begin.

I highly recommend the Clue App. I have relied on it for two years and find it to be intuitive. It can show you patterns you may not notice, like when your PMS may start by showing clouds on the tracker before you're period begins. I would recommend the Clue App to anyone interested in tracking fertility, periods, moods, ovulation..it offers many tools.

Other trackers I've used but don't prefer:

Apple's period tracker: I did not like it. I gave it a go for three months and found it complicated. I got lost in the interface and felt it gave too many unnecessary tools.

M.P.T. (My Period Tracker) - This was my first period tracker. It was great, tracked my period and had a basic interface. Since its last update it constantly asks to be upgraded for more features. If you pay for the service I think it is a decent tracker.

....

My personal pattern is two weeks before my period my mood changes and I have a difficult time doing daily tasks. Learning my pattern led me to the aha! moment I needed to try and improve my life.

Have a wonderful day!

-Kathy

AdSense Update

The ball is rolling.

I went into the HTML (hyper text markup language) (or computer language as I explained it to my son) of BabyontheBrains. I added my AdSense HTML code (freakout!) and hope we get to see ads soon. It's been a goal for years to just do it, and I am proud to be one step closer.

Today is a good day, yes it is :)

A list of things to try during a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

Just took a shower. Washed my face. Shaved around my eyebrows to give them some sort of shape. Small Victories, you know?

I was thinking about the past two days. Looking at where I could have done more to help myself.

I noticed I sang today. I sing a lot, more than I should, since I can't sing. Jazzy turns to me and says, "I love your song." That felt good. Felt like me.

A list of things I can do:

*Writing: Just write. Take a moment to take was is inside of your head, out. (Update) But if your writing is negative, stop. Try something else, we'll learn new ways to express ourselves together. If you find writing helpful, please write...Give yourself time to re-read what you wrote. Look at the difference in your mind set, from one day to the next. You are not your thoughts...I need a permanent place for my laptop. Thinking of turning on a laptop to write my feelings isn't something that comes easily with a set up. I did write in my journal. The words were sad, mean and dreadful to read back. I know I don't want that aspect of my PMDD, the constant negative talk. It takes me to a mindset of me against everyone, even myself. Nothing but my anger shows.

*Music: Music is love. The feel good, the rhythm, escape. I've shared some songs bellow.

*Breathing: Take in a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, and release it for 4 seconds. Focus on your breathing to allow yourself to focus on something else...This part I need to implement into my day to day life. Maybe then when things go wrong it feels natural and not forced. I need to give breathing time.

*Help: Asking for it. This can be hard. It took me years to ask for help, I had to change doctors and spiraled into PMDD episodes monthly, 13 days before my period, like clockwork. I had to get to work charting my periods, I'll share the apps I use in another post. Please speak to a doctor, your significant other. PMDD can become a lonely, awful place.

Time: Walk away, breath...For me, this can be rough, being alone can spiral me into deeper depression. Before medication I would go to my room, sit on the floor and cry and feel unable to shake it. With medication, I spent less time alone during my episode. That is an improvement.

Bill Withers - Lovely Day

Johnny Nash - Can See Clearly Now

Paul McCartney and Wings - Jet

Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney - Say, Say, Say

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Emailing my doctor after a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

4/20/21

I emailed my doctor..

Even now, as I type, I am deep in the recesses of my brain.

I am deep in my feelings.

I wish my feelings were at peace.

4/21/21

My doctor got back to me. I am one of many. I get it.

Their response was nice. It's hardly ever the case that only one set of eyes get to see my doctor notes. There are so many layers. So many people. Schedules filled. They were sorry my treatment wasn't working.

So am I.

They suggested I up my dosage. I gladly will. I want these uncontrollable feelings to stop. I almost felt human for three months. What is that? Rational comes to mind. The act of being able to stop. To think, see the impact of your words and actions and stop! Alas, I can't. It breaks my heart. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is debilitating. It robs me of the freedom to feel without hesitation. My feelings and perceptions can be destructive.

I almost made it all day with out letting the small things bother me. My mate said one wrong thing and I became so upset. I went grocery shopping to clear my head, something impossible the last two days. For me, PMDD comes strong AF AF and decreases as days go by. I hope tomorrow I feel more like myself. Fun, energetic, kind and compassionate. Lovable and calm.

I hope you are happy, healthy and carefree. Speak your beautiful truth. Rejoice in the small things. My truth isn't always beautiful, but I'm here sharing it in hopes it helps others with PMDD, or at least helps others realize how truly lucky they are in this world. Even with all the bad, I am lucky to express myself. Lucky to want to write.

What makes you feel lucky in life?

Have a wonderful day,

Kathy <3

Poem - Loveless Torpedoes - 3/22/13

Just before I open my eyes to the aftermath of our disease,

I see you collapse, and still stand on your own two feet.

I see your eyes changing into loveless torpedoes,

they zero in on the ego.

From then on it's the battle of the ages.

Every time it happens adds a notch to our belt.

Its anti-venom dished out after,

Hugs and Kisses.

Cheers to the time between the outbreaks.

Gloom suffocates when it comes.

(warning) Sad Post - PMDD Episode (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

yesterday was not a good day for me.

It felt bitter.

I wish I hadn't let myself get the best of me.

Sounds nutty but it's a fight between my rational side and my anger, depression and dreadful thoughts.

My trigger was small, yet big.

I blamed, I cried, I wanted to run away.

I wondered why the fuck I was even made.

I hated myself, my life, my existence.

My innermost desire is to be happy.

Yesterday that felt unattainable.

Only for normal folks.

Today is better.

But I'm not me, yet.

A cloud hangs over me.

Fashion inspiration

Hi!

I was looking through my phone and found these screenshots I've taken for fashion inspiration. Hope you enjoy.

***

The stunning Zoe Kravitz. Her style is grown up but not too serious, I like that. Her playfulness with hair and clothes is refreshing. Minimal accessories but always wearing a pair of dark sunglasses.

I would wear this all day! The shoes I'm not a fan of, but it definitely helps the outfit look ready for anything the day brings.

I love all of this. She looks ready to chill, from the comfy shoes to the oversized jacket.

I'm sure they were going for the baggy look, which looks great, but for this look on myself, I'd go for a tighter fit for both top and bottom. I wrestle with the shoe color, perhaps this picture doesn't do the shoes color justice.

Yes! The whole thing.

This dress is a twirls dream.

It makes me think of pastel rainbows and unicorns.

Stunning Safiya! I love this outfit. I would wear it as is in a second.

I am loving dusty pink hues! Jennifer Lopez and Ariana Grande look like coordinated silk goddesses! Yes inspiration! I'd wear Jennifer's look :)

The fierceness in her stare! Her makeup looks gorgeous, and her hair is flawless.

Yes, makeup inspiration!

I'd love to wear something so girly

Where possible credit was given to the original poster. In future posts I will post pertinent links and/or credit, my apologies.

AdSense, Blogger name(s), Poems & Wishlist

I've been trying to get AdSense to work on my blog for at least three months. Given Covid, my mental health and who knows what else, it has taken a long time to educate myself on what may be going on. I am currently looking through information on AdSense and clicking through my blogger. It seems like I'm doing things right, so it may just be a waiting game.

I've gone by ezwriter on blogger for over 10 years. It's a nod to my poetry. When I began my blogger it was all about poetry, and babyonthebrains wasn't even around. Over the years I have written less and less on my other blog, but there are poetry pieces I really love and would love for others to read, too. I've been posting some of them here. I have also included the dates they were written...So with all that being "said" allow me to say: Hi! My name is Kathy! Thank you for reading this. Thank you for visiting my blog and making my journey less lonely.

I have also decided to change the name on my blog's header to Baby on the Brains. It's just easier. The Blues came during my post partum depression. Thing are less blue now.

Lastly, I have added a Wishlist to my User Profile page. I was curious about how to make the list. It was easy and I found things I wouldn't mind buying at some point. Perhaps you might like to see them, and may be interested in buying something for yourself or for a loved one. It's all in fun.

Thank you for reading!

-Kat

Working on feeling happier (Self Reflection update, 'cus, honesty)

No one is expected to be perfect, or always get things right. I cannot always expect myself to be good at being a Mom. When things go epically wrong, I succumb to by thoughts, my feelings. It makes me question all the hard work, the medication, the tears. I have put everything out there, into the ether. I have spoken of pain I would never had. And sometimes it feels like the change and effort haven't changed me. That feeling of not doing enough, or being good enough is overwhelming. I feel like a failure.

My son upset me today. He lied, something we've spoken about. When I asked him if he was lying he began to cry, then made such a big deal over me holding his chin. I was trying to be kind, to tell him to speak to me. He started screaming, saying I was hurting him. I was not. I had to walk away and assess the situation.

I wish I would have done more. Drank some water, started writing....but with my little one wanting me too, it was so hard to detach. So hard to stay quiet. I yelled, I wanted him to snap out of whatever he was feeling, but that only made it worse, made him cry. Made me mad.

I've had great days, filled with control and the ability to ignore and walk away. But perhaps it had already been too many days, perhaps I had already walked away too many times. My husband is a sweet man, but he doesn't discipline, and if he does, it is for the moment. It's frustrating because I'm tired of falling into old patters. I want my son to know that lying is not acceptable and that he's expected to speak about his feelings, not cry and scream. I want to be happy in my life, and sometimes my son's behavior and my husbands happy-go-lucky way clash with me and I just feel sad, alone and angry.

Days like today would spiral me into depressive thoughts and actions. I feel extremely frustrated, but I am writing, and I know that is the right direction.

I hope you have a great day, full of reflection and happy thoughts,

-Kat

Speaking of reflection:

I reread what I wrote today and agreed with it. I was going to erase some things, but it's raw truth. I changed the title of the blog because I want to "keep it positive" around here. I say that at home, so I've gotta live it, too. The former title was 'I wish I was happier' (in case you are curious). I am happy, I can't let the depressive thoughts overshadow what I always have: Love, kindness and my family. I am working on my happiness <3

We are also working on how we parent. It will take time. It will take practice.

I had to take a look at my period calendar and sure enough today is the 13th day before my period! TF! PMDD still around to fluff things up! I have documented this pattern for at least one year: Getting very upset on the 13th day before my period. The feelings of sadness and depression carrying over for days sometimes. I noticed the same pattern last month, and was hopeful that with a dosage change to my medication (prescribed by my doctor) it would not feel how it did today (small things making me upset). Being angry every month for a few days and then acting like a normal human being the other days can be super confusing to anyone. Let alone children. It just isn't fair for the fam. My plan is to email my doctor and ask for advice. I like my medication, but on days like today I need more help. Sad to say, but also honest. Can't hide from it.

Poem - Engage - 11/30/12

sun, moon, stars,

part of this unique world, for us.

To witness its glory,

the planets and their movements,

Everything planned with their own designations,

portraying a facet of the creation...

Sun in its glory, bubbling with its effervescence

Solar flares jumping and plunging them fields.

Moon in its quiet wisdom...

its treasure found behind the dark side of the moon

Earth, ready to Turn the tide.

Home to humanity, uniquely made,

Beautiful in every way.

***

Engage in the soliloquy of the lost,

but make time to gaze upon the stars.

Take a trip with me....

This is the 10 freeway (highway), if you continue on the 10 West you can go to the beach in Santa Monica, or you can hop on to the 110 freeway and go to downtown Los Angeles or to Pasadena and beyond.

Blue Line is where the video was shot

The sound you hear is all freeway. I was surprised I got such a clean shot! It is usually bumper to bumper. Sorry it ends so abruptly, I stopped the video before the car passes by.

I hope you Enjoy!

Hump Day (updated x2)

Have a wonderful Wednesday :)

I have a few meetings today, school meeting for my son, my daughters speech therapy, and a video conference with my son's eye doctor. We get to find out if Noah will need a second eye surgery, or if glasses will correct his eye issues.

As for me, I feel anxious.

I have my little one telling me to play slime with her, for two minutes.

So I must.

Have a wonderful day!

Update: Jazzy's therapy session went OK. She gets in these moments of not wanting to repeat words, and being moody. What a pint sized diva!

The eye doctor had less good news. It looks like my son will need a second eye surgery to correct his right eye's deviation (to the right). Noah is not happy about the news. But for me, it's like a band aid, just tell him it's coming, and keep him informed.

Still waiting for my son's school "townhall" meeting to discuss how online school will change now that hybrid school starts next week. We have decided to keep Noah online. I've felt like the school is not informing us as much as the students going hybrid. We're kind of like an afterthought, probably because we've been operating online for months. My son goes to a Dual Language school, so he is learning Spanish along with English. Spanish is integrated into all of his regular studies. How will they plan to teach Spanish and everything else in three hours is beyond me.

BUT we are in desperate need of change. Noah was getting super bored with school and the pace of the lessons.

Update (2):

Almost 300 Tk-6th grade students are returning to my son's LAUSD elementary school. The numbers worked so that no student had to change to a different teacher and everyone returning to school will be able to safely socially distance.

Not so lucky are parents that have to work longer than the three hours their children will be at school. Currently the after school program is maxed out, one week ago 180 students had already signed up for the after school program. Ufffff, the need is great to work, provide for your family and give them a better life.

As for Spanish, an hour and a half Spanish and then they'll switch to English for the rest of the day. It is only a three hour day online with teacher instruction and then three hours of independent work. Big changes coming.

Planking update

Planking has transformed my body.

The first month of Planks I was worried about my butt and my breasts getting smaller, but given my body type of square and no hips I was down for a change.

Two months later, my body is gaining hips and my breasts look perkier. I have cleavage and my butt still looks great!

Last week I was finally able to hold a full one minute plank! After, I take a break, I usually sit, or rest on my knees for a few seconds. For the second plank, I typically last 60 seconds, then go into a downward dog to give my back and legs a quick rest and then resume the plank to finish it off.

As a new challenge, I have incorporate "spider planks." I'm working towards that goal so for now I am gaining strength by doing plank mountain climbers.

Plus, I've added 30 seconds of side planks and then finish off the minute with a regular plank (on each side).

I end with calm breaths to relax my body.

I recently went to Walmart and I bought a purple dress, I bought it to lounge in the house during the hot Los Angeles weather. I typically wear a Large, but decided to purchase a Medium, since it was for lounging house and I wanted to look cute and not frumpy.

I was shocked when the dress looked great. I bought more in other colors. My body usually carries most of the weight on my lower belly. Planks have helped bring in my waste, given me shape and boosted my confidence. I totally thing you should keep it up if you've started. If you haven't: It.is.never.too.late.

Have a wonderful day!

Kathy

The Grip - 10/16/12

A delusion,

from my brain,

the constant chatter,

my thoughts scatter

until it starts the pouring rain.

The feelings never cease

or decrease.

The façade invites you in,

until you see what it does, within...

doors opening,
to be shut by the tender hand.

Had I left this long ago, a ghost of what I was before,

I'd be gone, not caring.

Like a dog, unwavering,

until you give me my treat

tell me to succeed,

as I force myself to move it along.

Happiness within, a tight fit,

almost choking my subconscious.

Almost killing me within.

Death by thine invisible hands,

gripping tightly at my brain.

Therapy and Me 3

No tears today.

eh!!! eh!!!

There are things in life we cannot control. And that is OK. I cannot fault myself for that!!!

I burned sage all day, burning one entire sage bundle and one Palo Santo stick 'cus I need to get rid of the bad vibes, or at least say, "What's up, I'm here, too!" Major bonus in that they help me relax, and they smell beautiful.

During my session with my therapist, Elsa, we talked about anger and how it can express itself in many ways. For example, frustration, overwhelmed, hurt, stress, tired, guilt, shame...

But what I need to focus on is how I deal with my feelings before the anger turns into things I wish to take back.

I need to be the one in control.

Not allow my anger to control me.

She suggested writing, which interestingly enough I did yesterday when I was upset about my neighbors. She also suggested new hobbies. I'd been thinking about doing more photography, and guess what, I just posted some pictures as well. She also suggested exercising, I have been exercising, but not as consistent as I should be. I'll post more on that soon.

Elsa also told me we would be ending treatment in the next month. I have two more sessions with her and then we'd be done. The remaining sessions will focus on maintenance and a plan for the future. I was so happy to hear that. The person I was when I first sought help is not the Chica you read about today. I used to cry, cuss and be depressed daily. On some days I wished I was dead because my head and my heart just couldn't agree. It was a push and pull of good and bad days. How thankful I am. Even with the bullshit, I am free.

Pre-Therapy and Me

My therapist left me worksheets to review.

I was supposed to review them three weeks ago. I just printed them yesterday.

Avoidance is the name of the game.

I see my therapist today, Monday.

I've been thinking about cancelling.

For days.

I hate the feeling of failure, yet I do little to circumvent it.

Though, this is me, flawed & working on it.

Me.

I've gotta be honest with someone, might as well be her.

Have a good day!

I'm just going to go with it,

with love,

Kat

F*ck Man (neighbors be trippin')

My neighbors are the fucking worst.

They play loud assss fucking music, loud assss fucking music with full blast bass.

My daughter cries, no longer wants to take naps.

They are just absolute fucking trash.

I can't handle this.

I don't want these vibes around me!

It feels like my walls come crashing down.

People!!!

Fuck! Be kind. Just be fucking kind. To anyone.

Enough of seeking revenge for wrongs that were never done.

You've met the type, fucking mean, just for the heck of it!

I don't want to take it!

I wish I had money. I'd give it to these creeps to make them go away. I'd build parks, and place gardens in the places where they used to stay.

God, sometimes I feel like you just leave me alone, here.

Like you don't even care.

And then I think the lesson is more for them than for me, I know I have things to learn, but alone I am not.

I hold on to that so ferociously, as I have for all my life.

Always dreaming of beautiful things on the horizon.

Palo Santo, Sage, prayers, intentions and Love.

....The worst just happened, I wanted to loose my temper. thank god for medicine, therapy and patience. Man, I called the police, twice. They never came. My life is this strange juxtaposition between good and bad. I'm always trying to be the good. This shit sucks. I've lived here about 12 years, and they've lived here about 8. They have always been loud. Parties, Banda music, DJ's. The husband would wake up at 5:30am and start playing loud music. He then bought chickens, fixed cars at crazy hours of the day and night, bought multiple dogs, accused us of killing his dog (that was when we knew this dude was crazy, we would never harm an animal!), bought loud cars and now this bass business. This has turned into repeated harassment. I want to work towards moving out of this house. I want to write, and be recognized for it. To make a living showing the world I am good at this.

This can't be it. I was supposed to be this awesome fucking teacher, and I got pregnant and things went sideways. My PMDD made it difficult to find a part time job, or write and be a mother. With things going smoother with medication and with therapy I hope to accomplish something that lasts a lifetime in this world.

Poem - Loving Someone Like You - 4/24/2013

Loving Someone Like You

Loving someone like you,

like you.

Attaining the emotions to encompass us,

in my heart,

my thoughts,

my veins.

Letting go of sides,

in order to trust.

How often do we understand what we have lost,

to begin to handle what we had attained?

Love lost,

love won,

Love lost again.

The cycle, ongoing, unyielding...

until i get it.

It was never what you had, but shouldn't,

It was never what you wanted so bad and had.

It was always in a home full of love,

it was inside the heart that beats so furiously for us.

Never take it back, never make it undone.

Suzy's flower shop

I went to Ikea today, Ok, I drove by Ikea today. There was a line and I didn't want to put my kids through that. So we went to Burlington instead. It was my first time. I liked it!

But to get there from Carson we decided to take the streets. We hardly ever drive down this particular street.

15 minutes into our drive, we have to quickly apply our breaks! An illegal U turn up ahead. As we dodge the stop and veer towards the right lane, a flower shop catches my eye.

Suzy's flower shop.

I smile.

Last night I was speaking to my cousin, sending love to the beyond.

As we drive a few feet, a license plate also catches my eye.

On it, a purple daisy. The same color and flower as were given as a memento at Suzy's internment of ashes at the cemetery, yesterday.

Another angel in heaven...moving heaven and Earth in her own unique way...

Love you always, sweet cousin.