Working on feeling happier (Self Reflection update, 'cus, honesty)

No one is expected to be perfect, or always get things right. I cannot always expect myself to be good at being a Mom. When things go epically wrong, I succumb to by thoughts, my feelings. It makes me question all the hard work, the medication, the tears. I have put everything out there, into the ether. I have spoken of pain I would never had. And sometimes it feels like the change and effort haven't changed me. That feeling of not doing enough, or being good enough is overwhelming. I feel like a failure. 

My son upset me today. He lied, something we've spoken about. When I asked him if he was lying he began to cry, then made such a big deal over me holding his chin. I was trying to be kind, to tell him to speak to me. He started screaming, saying I was hurting him. I was not. I had to walk away and assess the situation. 

I wish I would have done more. Drank some water, started writing....but with my little one wanting me too, it was so hard to detach. So hard to stay quiet. I yelled, I wanted him to snap out of whatever he was feeling, but that only made it worse, made him cry. Made me mad. 

I've had great days, filled with control and the ability to ignore and walk away. But perhaps it had already been too many days, perhaps I had already walked away too many times. My husband is a sweet man, but he doesn't discipline, and if he does, it is for the moment. It's frustrating because I'm tired of falling into old patters. I want my son to know that lying is not acceptable and that he's expected to speak about his feelings, not cry and scream. I want to be happy in my life, and sometimes my son's behavior and my husbands happy-go-lucky way clash with me and I just feel sad, alone and angry.

Days like today would spiral me into depressive thoughts and actions. I feel extremely frustrated, but I am writing, and I know that is the right direction. 

I hope you have a great day, full of reflection and happy thoughts,

-Kat

Speaking of reflection:

I reread what I wrote today and agreed with it. I was going to erase some things, but it's raw truth. I changed the title of the blog because I want to "keep it positive" around here. I say that at home, so I've gotta live it, too. The former title was 'I wish I was happier' (in case you are curious). I am happy, I can't let the depressive thoughts overshadow what I always have: Love, kindness and my family.  I am working on my happiness <3

We are also working on how we parent. It will take time. It will take practice.  

I had to take a look at my period calendar and sure enough today is the 13th day before my period! TF! PMDD still around to fluff things up! I have documented this pattern for at least one year: Getting very upset on the 13th day before my period. The feelings of sadness and depression carrying over for days sometimes. I noticed the same pattern last month, and was hopeful that with a dosage change to my medication (prescribed by my doctor) it would not feel how it did today (small things making me upset). Being angry every month for a few days and then acting like a normal human being the other days can be super confusing to anyone. Let alone children. It just isn't fair for the fam. My plan is to email my doctor and ask for advice. I like my medication, but on days like today I need more help. Sad to say, but also honest. Can't hide from it. 

Self Sabotage - And random teenage story - in one

 Sup. 

There are opportunities I willingly don't take. 

I'll go back in my mind and relive times I should have pushed myself. 

Even as a student at CSULB. I remember procrastinating until the weekend of, often that Sunday, writing something due Monday. And yeah, that's a college thing, but for me, it was the stress of getting to work, not that I was out hanging out with people. I'd be home, dreading getting work done, watching TV. Writing is fun to me, but even I'm like, why would you put yourself through that stress! 

I still do that to myself. 

Checking my email gives me stress. Things like the Google Mail app are helpful because I've turned notifications on and the mail rolls in and I read whatever is important...But I committed to speaking to a group of...social workers! I am nervous and thinking why do you always say yes before thinking things through!! Subconsciously I must be thinking, "Dude! You won't do it otherwise." I spent two weeks avoiding doublechecking my email for some sort of communication from these folks. Nothing, thank goodness! But, it's gonna come!

So I have to commit to not allowing my dread of commitment from stopping me from getting things done!

When I was younger, I was a very messy person. One of the worst. One time my mother cleaned my room and snooped and, made me feel terrible 'cus she threw away my things. Things she deemed inappropriate. Dumb teenager things that meant something to my teenage heart. I worried she had found my diary. I became much cleaner after that, but her actions made our relationship worse. Think twice before sneaking around your child's stuff, like I get it, but she was so proud of herself, I walked in from school after a long day, and I knew it was bad. Like that was the energy she had. She had a big smirk. The room looked great, but I felt like I had less and less personal space in the family. Just try to be kind to the people you love, respect them enough to speak to them directly about the things that bother you. Calmly, I know every situation is different, but before it boils over, communicate. 

Sorry I went off into that story and its too good to erase :) Please forgive me. 

Self sabotage can come in many ways. mine is getting in the way of my own success. She warned me many times I should have cleaned my room and I ignored it. I sabotaged my success because I ended up ripping my diary up!! I could have written a book out of that! So much lost content!

Ahhh, the past, it is time to move forward. Let's Go!!

Have an insightful Day!

-Kathy

Nature, therapy and Me - 3, and wtf has been going on

 uuugggghhhh.

Can we just ignore the fact it's been helllla difficult to write.

That I've cringed at opening my laptop.

I went to therapy two weeks ago, and that triggers fear to open up, again. 

I cry every time I speak to my therapist. Big tears roll, memories pop up, and for that moment and weeks after, I loose the joy in the things that make me feel vulnerable. 

But, I always return. 

I hope it rains today. That the grey skies produce soft droplets to coat the leaves and dampen the earth of its plants. That the sun take a break, and rejoice in the love of nature. 

I pray my heart continues to mend, and my tears roll less and less. 

I always think of you. Of what I would write, or what I would share. I take the pictures, and then I fold like a flower when the sun sets. But as the sun gets stronger and clouds become sparse, I too take comfort in the suns rays, and the lack of rain. It is nature, after all.