Final Therapy and Me - hehe

Guys, we did it. 

I patiently waited for my therapists phone call, it was 1:07pm and I was getting nervous. My kids were using phones & watching a movie, I spoke to my oldest and told him to help me out and keep sister busy. He really helped. 

Elsa, my therapist, and I always begin with the outcome scores of my two week assessment. I get asked question in a survey and I answer based on my mood and the events that occurred during those two weeks. 

She was glad to tell me all the scores were green. Big improvement. It has been. Over the last 3-4 therapy sessions I had been scoring in ranges that showed I was not suicidal, depressed or anxious. By then I had been taking a second medication, Buspirone for roughly two months. (The first two weeks I started Buspirone I became angry. I had road rage which Lexapro had helped me with. I was feeling worried about the Buspirone. I did not want to feel uncontrollable anger, but I also knew that it would take longer than two weeks for the medication to take full effect). I am glad I waited and was patient with the process. I know things are fluid, you just never know how emotions will strike with Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD) but I feel I have reached a happy place in my medication. 

She asked me if there was something I wanted to share with her. I told her about the conversations I had with my dad and brother. She was kind and listened and asked questions that helped me to reflect on the conversations I had with my family members. I called my brother a narcissist. Something I had never labeled him as before. I heard so much of my mother in his taunts. 

Elsa told me I had every right to be angry. I was not in charge of my mother's feelings. I don't live with them anymore. She said I was able to see them and myself, without the interconnectedness of feelings. 

My brother taunted me because he sees me as my past. He wants to pull from that past manipulation to trap me in emotional control. 

Not going to happen. 

Elsa and I then got to the business of building a plan for the future. I checked off boxes on a paper I printed from her email. That little paper was going to help maintain all the work I've done.  

The checklist helped me see myself doing things that make me feel good, like playing with my kids, getting ready for the day, cooking. And boxes that helped me see myself doing things when getting upset: withdrawn, angry, crying, And boxes for things I can do when I am getting mad: take a walk, aromatherapy, take a break, read. It's more intricate than this, but this tool is valuable, and I am thankful it's my graduation papers. 

One part I had trouble filling out was who I can speak to during a difficult time. My dear cousin came to mind, but no one else. My husband is busy, I understand he needs a break from my emotions. I have to learn who I can rely on and who I can't. With all my love I can say this is a good thing (Him and I did go over the paper and he we had a good conversation about it. He was happy I shared it with him).  When I was at my saddest points, I would google how I felt and often found stories of people that felt like I did, and were able to convey to me that it would get better. Seeking help was a great place to start to heal. I also found bible verses that helped me connect with myself and stopped my tears from flowing more than once. I added those to the list of resources I can seek when things are getting difficult. 

I wonder how many graduation's she's had. I hope she knows I'll never forget her. She changed my life. Just by listening, being honest. She ripped a few Band-Aids off that made me think long and hard about myself. Just who I was, and why I was so darn defensive all the time. 

This entire journey makes me self aware as heck. But in a good way. It brings me comfort to speak to myself in a reassuring manner, in a way that make me feel safe, and not angry and guarded. 

I am so thankful. 

Final Therapy Session - Therapy Graduation

Today is the big graduation day. 

Some heavy stuff has gone on in my life this week, and I know that would have broke me 6 months ago. I'd be a devastated heap of emotions, barely functioning in my own home. 

I can say that at times my kids still get on my nerves, its normal. They are figuring out this world right along with me. 

I still get mad. My period and I still don't function 100 percent together. I get irritated and feel the need to let you know. Funny thing is...I can laugh at it. Sometimes during the episode, before I open my mouth, and often after the episode, after I've said too damn much, and may have been too dang harsh. But, I am also apologizing, making sure it happens less often, and I am proud the episodes are shorter. 

All the episodes were so hard on my family. I was a façade of myself so often they had no idea what version of upset they would get. It still is hard, but speaking truthfully to them about my therapy, my family life and our goals helps. 

I still cry. My emotions can be too darn much! But I can acknowledge that and can see myself as less of a bad guy. My brain, hormones and body are a lot during my period and I see that as a version of myself. Not the loving me, so I have to remind myself during those times I am more than my emotions, or anger. I am love and compassion, too. 

I am here for a reason, I am living this for a reason, I blog it because I am not alone. 

Taking medication is not for everyone. Perhaps if I had gotten help sooner, in my 20's, early 30's this might be a completely different blog, maybe still about babies and figuring stuff out. Alas, it is a journey of self discovery none the less. Perhaps I wouldn't need medication, but I do and I know I am better because I take it. 

It took our last therapy session for me to feel excited about speaking to Elsa, my therapist. It often felt like a heavy feeling in my chest. Felt like we were once again talking about what went wrong and how I fell apart. During our previous session, my therapist congratulated me on being honest with her. The honesty was what helped our sessions get better and in turn I got better. 

Thank GOD for honesty.  

Therapy graduation coming soon

 Hi. 

Happy Winter Solstice. 

Happy return to the lovely winter months in the USA. I know this season is not easy for everyone. Sunny days are almost here <3

Reading the previous post was needed. I left in October because the session that followed that post was terrible. Asking my husband to write 'No' sentences turned into a fight. 

I don't want to get into him and how he feels, but his inner feelings crept in that day. It really messed with my mind. I cried the entire session that followed but it helped see myself more. Helped me see my husband as a flawed individual, like myself. His family dynamic was better than mine, but even they had situations that made for pent up feelings. We can all have that. Approaching life with less expectations and more understanding has helped ease frustrations.    

***

Since my last post there have been ups and downs.

More ups than downs. 

After many therapy sessions, I am graduating. 

My original therapy goal was to cry 4 or less days out of the week. 

A week, folks. 

I was a mess every other day. Picking up the pieces; exhausted by the constant negative talk. When she said my goal aloud, so many thoughts came back. I went back to those hidden files I  never wanted to see. Each time I cried, it felt like a new issue to tackle. A new thing to fix about myself. 

I have gone weeks without crying. That fact took me out of my thoughts and into reality. 

How much I have improved. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I always felt like I was running away, and I was. Things get too real, and I need a pause. This last time, nothing made sense. I had to detach and assess my life, my thoughts. I spent a lot of time on the couch, but I wasn't crying. It felt like I needed to sit and relax after years of my mind racing with thoughts and laments. 

I feel good. 

Around this time last year I came back to blogging. I am so damn proud of myself today. Feeling like myself each day. I was usually an ogre. PMDD is a bitch. But after all these years, I'm still the bader bitch :)

I hope you and yours are having the best of holidays. Have a wonderful new year!

Love, 

Kat

I've been chillin'

It's been good. 

I have lay on the couch and relaxed for weeks. I do it for an hour or two when no one is home. It's quiet. A pandemic year and here we are finally alone with my thoughts. 

I hadn't done that without being sad, ever. 

I just wanted to remind myself that I don't have to DO! 

Sometimes I regret not making this or doing that when she's napping and he's at school. I'll rush around when they are both in the living room, and maybe leave them on their own for an hour too long. But, the world keeps turning. 

Two weeks ago I spoke to my therapist and she was upset. I think she was ready to cut me loose. She figures I found ways to cope since I am not having negative thoughts. She asked me if I thought I was ready to end therapy. HUH!!! I was not ready for that question. She seemed irate with me when I said I didin't know how to answer her. 

I'm thankful for all the therapy Ive had, if the old me would of encountered that situation I don't know if I would have been able to shake it off. Not just that but also reflect, find humor, and understanding in her feelings and my own. Shoot, it isn't a bad thing! I am doing better. 

Tomorrow is a full day. Maybe the last therapy and me! (dun, dun, dun). I also speak to my psychiatrist, whom I have not spoken to in months!

I am on 20mg of Lexapro. I'm feeling really good today, but a few days ago, around my period, I wasn't. Nothing is perfect. Nothing. Sometimes the perceptions of perfection are so distorted we lie to ourselves and hide the truth. Minds play tricks. Alas, nothing but inner work and kindness can change certain mindsets. 

I'm rambling. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday. 

Love, 

Kathy 

Happy Birthday to me

My birthday today. 

My mom reached out. 

At the end, 

She made me feel bad. 

She told me hurtful things. 

Brought God into it. 

But I have the power to speak my truth. To Be kind. 

I am not here to hurt, I want to heal this fucking world. 

I've cried at church, asking God why I wasn't loved by my mother as a teen. 

I've cried in my car as an adult. 

I cry in my living room, today, on my birthday (as an older adult :/)

She never heard ME. She always had a knack for taking my feelings and invalidating them.  Making it about herself, closing the door, and leaving me, a mess. A child. 

I feel guilty for all my learned behavior.

I have memories of her being hurtful with her words. Me asking simple things and getting rude answers, making me feel like I was not important. 

Even now I question things. Did I do something wrong? 

I told her about therapy and my doctors. She said my childhood was good and there was no abuse, so she didn't know what I was talking about. 

I told her it started as a child, that it was difficult because we didn't have a relationship. The way she spoke to me as a kid was rude, she made fun of me in cruel ways to make my feelings invalid. When I would try to speak up, shed mock me, and in a taunting voice say, "What does the little girl have to say now?"

How can I take that?

I couldn't call her. Tried to for two months.  

Today, she said I got what I wanted, I made her cry. That was her reaction to my texts. I know things can be taken out of context. I swear, I was kind. I know it's hard to deal with raw emotions, but her way of crying, getting sick, not picking up, getting my dad on her side, is textbook her. 

 I have to tell myself, "You knew how'd shed react. Enough, Live your Life!" 

Perhaps it's liberating. 

I am healing something, torn. 

Like the tape on old library books. It has to be the thick clear one, or it wont work, no scotch tape on this book. I started healing one side with therapy, and medicine. Today, I taped the other side. Have to tape both sides of the page, or else, wtf are we doing? 

Can't risk two pages getting stuck together and ruining the rest of the story. 

Love always, 

Kathy 

Triggered Mild PMDD Episode

When I first started medication, I had honeymoon phase with Lexapro, therapy and my whole existence. 

It felt different. I felt different. I felt a calmness I hadn't felt before. My mind was calm and quiet.

Reality is raw. 

Setbacks are too real. 

Seeing things as better than they were a year ago, is non existent during my PMDD reality. 

It's just the here and now. 

The feelings of the now. 

I emailed my doctor before this post. I had a mild episode of PMDD. I struggled with the email. Should I ask for more medicine? Should we just start over? It feels like that, anyway. This month has been a struggle to feel happy. 

My daughter dropped all of my jewelry beads and it triggered intense feelings of sadness, anger, & frustration. I mean, we made it to Friday, like, feeling OK and struggling through it, but the beads falling just pushed me over this invisible cliff. I felt like I'm always putting everyone else first, why can't they just wait, be patient, give me space! The shit I ask of children. I hate myself at times. Rationality is lacking sometimes.

I cried, I  yelled. I felt so damn powerless. Why can't they respect me and listen to me when I ask them to wait!! That bull rearing its head, ready to attack! My husband. I don't think he understands the severity of PMDD. I don't blame him, not, but at the time, I kind of do. An innocent bystander. uuufff.

Feeling better right now. Wanting to organize my beads and finish my piece. 

God, thank you. Thank you for this. It has to be for something. I pray. 

PMDD Therapy Session

Today is two weeks since I spoke to my therapist. I am anxious about the session. I have not looked at any of my doctor's emails. It has been a productive week. I made 4 new jewelry pieces and finished two old ones.  I am trying to be present for my daughter and my son. Making efforts to reach out and touch more. More human touch, than speaking. 

Mother's day I was surprised with a trip to the Residence Inn, L.A. Live. It was an awesome stay. My kids had room to roam and lounge. They had a bubble bath on Friday and Saturday. They were beaming. 

Coming home, we talked  about our home and the noise level in the neighborhood. And, I think we have decided that we need to leave Los Angeles. Noise is getting louder and louder. Our once desolate street has become a freeway at times. We have to decide what life we want to give our kids. The type of education we can offer them. 

By Thursday of last week (today is a Monday) I was feeling more like myself. So it was a struggle ALL mid week, until I felt better. My thoughts were not about me. It's shocking to feel the difference one day to the next. But pills don't take care of everything and it honestly should not be your only fall back plan. Brains are beautifully unpredictable. So, in that, I am cognizant that I have to focus more on means to help me cope when my mind JUST WON'T. 

------I just got off the phone with my therapist. My sessions wont stop. I scored very low, which is high, on Kaiser's suicide scale. I worry I won't be able to overcome the sadness and the negative talk, next time it happens again. I have thoughts of my children being happier without me. Like I am a monster. Perhaps during the episodes I was, but in reality, I am a good person. But PMDD make me wonder. Who am I, but a terrible person? Why would I want to live? 

But those are all depression. Me wanting to stay in a state of painful comfort. Comfort in sadness. Loneliness. Enveloped in black wings. My mind racing to give me no space to think and stop. 

We made a plan. People I can speak to. Things I can do to distract. I texted the people I chose. My husband, cousin and brother. My brother knew I had been seeing a therapist and that I am on medication as well as my negative talk. My cousin knew I had a therapist, but did not know specifics. He's always been so kind to me. Always a lovely human being. He texted back right away he's always there for me, anytime. My husband is someone I don't want to burden with my intrusive, at times, suicidal thoughts, but Elsa said, "Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was going through something?" Of course I would. 

I know they all would. 

-Kathy

Honesty can bring a lot of pain. But I can focus on the good. On reaching out to others and depending on the greater good. It is out there. It can be found in a stranger you've never seen, over the phone, speaking to the soul, to offer comfort, a path to victory and the means to get there. 

Therapy and Me - 5 or MIND OVER MOOD

4/26/21

I have a phone appointment with my therapist today. Silver lining....that I can speak to her just a few days after my PMDD episode. I wanted to cancel, but I'm sticking to it.  Emotions are something I don't want to feel tooo heightened. It hurts to feel. 

4/28/21

I take an intake survey before each therapy session, my scores were low. It reflected the rough last week I've had. 

Two weeks ago Elsa and I spoke about writing, I intentionally asked if I should write the bad too, she said yes. 

Turns out that writing isn't the right tool for me, at least not just writing what is on my mind. My thoughts can be toxic and bring me to a depressive state. Instead, she suggested I write about topics, good things, or do other activities. I need to stop focusing on all the bad things that my mind wants me to focus on. Elsa gave me a list of things to use as tools to give my mood a break, to break the hold it has on my brain. I made nature artwork as a gift for my husband's birthday. I'll take pictures when he opens it. 

The BIG takeaway this week is:

MIND OVER MOOD - I need to take control of how I feel, and thus need to take control of what I do. This is hard, but I need to take inventory of my home, my lifestyle. Staying in a positive headspace is not enough, I have to actively seek ways to release the energy and make space for me. 

Thanks for reading :)

Pre-Therapy and Me

My therapist left me worksheets to review. 

I was supposed to review them three weeks ago. I just printed them yesterday. 

Avoidance is the name of the game.

I see my therapist today, Monday. 

I've been thinking about cancelling. 

For days.

I hate the feeling of failure, yet I do little to circumvent it. 

Though, this is me, flawed & working on it. 

Me. 

I've gotta be honest with someone, might as well be her. 

Have a good day!

I'm just going to go with it,

with love, 

Kat

Nature, therapy and Me - 3, and wtf has been going on

 uuugggghhhh.

Can we just ignore the fact it's been helllla difficult to write.

That I've cringed at opening my laptop.

I went to therapy two weeks ago, and that triggers fear to open up, again. 

I cry every time I speak to my therapist. Big tears roll, memories pop up, and for that moment and weeks after, I loose the joy in the things that make me feel vulnerable. 

But, I always return. 

I hope it rains today. That the grey skies produce soft droplets to coat the leaves and dampen the earth of its plants. That the sun take a break, and rejoice in the love of nature. 

I pray my heart continues to mend, and my tears roll less and less. 

I always think of you. Of what I would write, or what I would share. I take the pictures, and then I fold like a flower when the sun sets. But as the sun gets stronger and clouds become sparse, I too take comfort in the suns rays, and the lack of rain. It is nature, after all.                                                  

Therapy and ME - Session 2

Getting help can feel very uncomfortable. Talking to a stranger about your life is overwhelming. I'm finally speaking about things I kept hidden for years. I have dealt with things my own way so I didn't have to be honest. I wouldn't let anyone into my thoughts. 

Today, I admitted things that although small, have hindered my life for years. 

I am thankful for humans. Humans that care enough about others to help them with their feelings, thoughts and life. I love my fellow humans. We aren't perfect, and some are damn despicable, but the good people on this Earth are amazing people. 

This morning, I heard someone speak about spirituality. How we can feel very spiritual, very connected to angels and to God, but at the same time we lack the tools to communicate with humans. That is how I feel on Earth, I don't know what I am doing, having felt like I always got it wrong. I can speak to God anytime, but speaking to others can be quite a challenge. 

It turns out it's about perception. Our childhood, living life...We could all be in the same room, yet have a different experience based on the things that happened in our lives. So although things seems easy breezy, they can be hard to digest based on our upbringing and how we have lived life thus far. 

I have to turn on my negative thoughts and give ME a chance to grow. I am afraid of anger, but anger is the way I express my frustrations, it's up to me to challenge my perception and have a healthy expectation of the way I express my feelings. 

All with time, one MIGHTY step at a time. 

Have a fab. day, it's lovely outside,

Kathy 

First official Session - Therapy and ME

1.

Today is my first therapy session. I am nervous! I can't really believe I am here, at this moment. 

It can be so incredibly hard to admit there is something wrong with you, within you. The burden I have is something you can't see and for some people it is difficult to understand. 

I wish I could turn back time. Go back to high school, sometimes. Being an only daughter with a difficult mother-daughter relationship made it difficult to become a woman. Made it difficult to ask for help, or feel worthy. I don't blame my mother now, but for years I did. I had to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin, by myself. If I knew then what I know now, I'd be happier. I'd try harder. Leave earlier. 

But you can't, so all I can do is find solutions that will help me a better mother to my children. To be there for them when they need me the most, and not make them feel like they aren't worthy of my time. 

...

Session one went well. I've never spoken to someone outside of my life about my thoughts, feelings and family. It was interesting to hear her repeat what I said, in a way that made me reflect on my mother and my relationship towards depression. How easy it can be to fall back on what feels expected, natural. 

It isn't easy to speak about this now, but I don't feel worse, and that feels real good. 

Excited!

Love,

Kat