I've been chillin'

It's been good. 

I have lay on the couch and relaxed for weeks. I do it for an hour or two when no one is home. It's quiet. A pandemic year and here we are finally alone with my thoughts. 

I hadn't done that without being sad, ever. 

I just wanted to remind myself that I don't have to DO! 

Sometimes I regret not making this or doing that when she's napping and he's at school. I'll rush around when they are both in the living room, and maybe leave them on their own for an hour too long. But, the world keeps turning. 

Two weeks ago I spoke to my therapist and she was upset. I think she was ready to cut me loose. She figures I found ways to cope since I am not having negative thoughts. She asked me if I thought I was ready to end therapy. HUH!!! I was not ready for that question. She seemed irate with me when I said I didin't know how to answer her. 

I'm thankful for all the therapy Ive had, if the old me would of encountered that situation I don't know if I would have been able to shake it off. Not just that but also reflect, find humor, and understanding in her feelings and my own. Shoot, it isn't a bad thing! I am doing better. 

Tomorrow is a full day. Maybe the last therapy and me! (dun, dun, dun). I also speak to my psychiatrist, whom I have not spoken to in months!

I am on 20mg of Lexapro. I'm feeling really good today, but a few days ago, around my period, I wasn't. Nothing is perfect. Nothing. Sometimes the perceptions of perfection are so distorted we lie to ourselves and hide the truth. Minds play tricks. Alas, nothing but inner work and kindness can change certain mindsets. 

I'm rambling. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday. 

Love, 

Kathy 

Depression and Postpartum thoughts

 I struggle to figure out who might relate to emotional numbness. 

I think my postpartum depression ladies might relate. 

Your family could be the  most awesome group of people, but the numbness creates a barrier between you and them. 

I was speaking to my husband about this. How powerless I feel about my feelings. 

It's hard to find passion in things. To say I love you and deep down inside not question it. I question if I belong in that space to even utter those words. 

Anger is something I also can't wholly control. It feels like anger comes in like a bull in a pen, ready to just you, GO! It takes a hold that sucks me into depression and anger. 

Escitalopram Or generic Lexapro has helped. My emotions are less explosive, but things are still triggering. I believe my family could help around the house more and alleviate some of the stress I feel. My son could be more willing to go with the flow. My daughter is growing up and becoming more and more independent. I love that, but I am so frustrated by my son's immaturity that hers is just difficult to enjoy. 

...

I want to be loved, I deserve love. I give it abundantly and deserve it in return; with no strings attached.

Depression does not allow me to see love. It asks me to see the world through a lens set on the past, looking into the future. I allow my whirlwind of thoughts to penetrate the future with a fury. 

I am asked to take a step back, assess, and I am working on that. Depression and sadness come too easy for me to detach. Writing, cooking and other activities seem too much. I can't pick them up. I ask myself what I want to do and get sadness in return. 

But honey, I can't stay there. I can't dwell there any longer. I have to understand that I have those thoughts, but they are thoughts, I have to fill the void with something that let's me see past my pain. My doctor suggested I purchase a coloring book for adults. I've always hated on those. But at this point bring it on.

Postpartum cannot eradicate the years of not having depression! The years filled with depression cannot eradicate the renewed sense of changing things around. 

Dammit, I will not allow my world to dictate my life, or my mind to dictate my body. There have been setbacks. The worst I have had in four months, but I am overcoming it. I spoke up. I asked for help. 

It ain't pretty, it ain't over, and there may be more steps back, but I can't give up on me.

I am a human being on Earth, before I am a woman, a mother, or a wife. 

I am a being here for some reason and have to make the most of this. 

I have to make this one count!

-Kathy