Depression and Postpartum thoughts

 I struggle to figure out who might relate to emotional numbness. 

I think my postpartum depression ladies might relate. 

Your family could be the  most awesome group of people, but the numbness creates a barrier between you and them. 

I was speaking to my husband about this. How powerless I feel about my feelings. 

It's hard to find passion in things. To say I love you and deep down inside not question it. I question if I belong in that space to even utter those words. 

Anger is something I also can't wholly control. It feels like anger comes in like a bull in a pen, ready to just you, GO! It takes a hold that sucks me into depression and anger. 

Escitalopram Or generic Lexapro has helped. My emotions are less explosive, but things are still triggering. I believe my family could help around the house more and alleviate some of the stress I feel. My son could be more willing to go with the flow. My daughter is growing up and becoming more and more independent. I love that, but I am so frustrated by my son's immaturity that hers is just difficult to enjoy. 

...

I want to be loved, I deserve love. I give it abundantly and deserve it in return; with no strings attached.

Depression does not allow me to see love. It asks me to see the world through a lens set on the past, looking into the future. I allow my whirlwind of thoughts to penetrate the future with a fury. 

I am asked to take a step back, assess, and I am working on that. Depression and sadness come too easy for me to detach. Writing, cooking and other activities seem too much. I can't pick them up. I ask myself what I want to do and get sadness in return. 

But honey, I can't stay there. I can't dwell there any longer. I have to understand that I have those thoughts, but they are thoughts, I have to fill the void with something that let's me see past my pain. My doctor suggested I purchase a coloring book for adults. I've always hated on those. But at this point bring it on.

Postpartum cannot eradicate the years of not having depression! The years filled with depression cannot eradicate the renewed sense of changing things around. 

Dammit, I will not allow my world to dictate my life, or my mind to dictate my body. There have been setbacks. The worst I have had in four months, but I am overcoming it. I spoke up. I asked for help. 

It ain't pretty, it ain't over, and there may be more steps back, but I can't give up on me.

I am a human being on Earth, before I am a woman, a mother, or a wife. 

I am a being here for some reason and have to make the most of this. 

I have to make this one count!

-Kathy 

Funeral viewings, heartache and Covid

December and January have been difficult months. I have lost loved ones to Covid during the year 2020, and sadly 2021 has been just as devastating. It has taken time to process my emotions and find resolution in the injustice of their deaths. 

Last night I went to my uncles viewing.  I grieved so heavily. I cried for everyone that has died, in my life, from Covid. The sadness in the room was stifling. Hearing others cry, listening to others cry because you cry. 

Sometimes we make the shittiest of choices in life. We choose to be rude, or just not speak to others. Perhaps towards a sibling you may find annoying. Or towards a family member. When someone passes we tend to go back to how we treated them. May find it hard to say a final goodbye, perhaps because time was squandered when we were living. 

Being human can be a beautiful experience, but our passing, especially during this Covid time, is heartbreakingly unfair. Time is taken from our grasps, so cruelly, so quickly, it stuns you, days follow with that same feeling of loss, until you start to feel better, and then...

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Three weeks after my uncle died, my cousin Suzy also died of Covid. She was young, beautiful, kind and sweet. Her and I spoke last over 6 years ago. Made a promise to reconnect and never did. I regret not calling. I had not spoken to Suzy's brother for well over 10 years. Back then things were said and I hardly ever forget. I called him days after Suzy's passing. I had to tell HIM how much I loved her, how much of an angel I thought she was. 

...

If you can, make the effort to reach out to friends and family. Spread a little love. It's sad to say, but you just never know what can happen tomorrow. We don’t know who is suffering in silence today, be it Covid, another sickness or mental health issues. 

Stay healthy and safe,

With love & respect,

Kathy