Ghetto wishes & cosmic dust [poem]

 

How can we thrive in the destruction of the chaos?

We become exposed; explode.

 Innocence taken away,

turned to anguish bursting to expose!

Expose the hate felt deep inside for the loss of a loved one for something they can’t control.

Lucky the ones that turn that pain into forgiveness and a passion for change.

 

If we could go back to the time of zero.

And Love each other for what makes us, us.

Devine beings.

Cosmic Dust. 

Some days I don't want to live

Today was not easy. I had major downs. 

My thoughts kept going back to the argument with my mom. By loosing my mom, I loose my dad. Love shouldn't be based on condition. It should not be one sided. Empathy is lacking in his heart, too. Loyalty is probably something important to him, loyalty to her. He would always say, "You know how she is." He'd then make me feel like I should apologize, or suck it up. 

I couldn't even tell her the entire truth. That I have thoughts of wanting to die. I have a hard time coping with life, it's like I never learned. As I type I go back to a childhood memory, I remember being in my babysitters house.  A roach crawling in front of me, and not being able to move. Not wanting to make a sound. Just looking at it crawl by. I hate roaches, but as a child, in that room, in my empty heart, I could never do anything right. 

As an adult, simple shit can feel so fucking hard. Feelings are the worst to dig through. I either don't want to take the time to feel or feel angry when I am stuck in PMDD, or in tough days like today. Those moments break me, make me went to disappear. Regret I brought my children into this world to learn from a broken heart. 

I had constant thoughts of wanting to die, today. It was debilitating. I thought of my family. The thought of them growing up without a mom was front and center. I can't leave them. The thoughts do go away, but I can't let go sometimes. I hold on to the sadness, to the ruminating thoughts of wanting to die; to stop feeling. 

I went to the bedroom and lay in darkness for a few minutes. Tears rolling down my eyes. My husband coming in to check to see how I was doing. I googled what I was feeling, word for word, and found people who have gone through similar feelings. Who learned things through their journey, and share it to give other's the opportunity to see they are not alone. 

I learned that these sad, difficult feelings do lessen. When I say them aloud, when I share my thoughts with my husband, it lessens my burden. Otherwise it's like a guilt thing that I carry in my brain, & it won't shut up. I can't give it power. I accept the thoughts are there, that they will come back, but they don't have power over me, and I  don't truly want to die. 

I need ways to cope with my feelings. I always thought it was just anger. But it's so much deeper than that. By coping with why I lost my mom and my dad, I realized I need ways to deal with the tough emotions life brings up. Dying is not the answer. 

Love, 

Kathy

Funeral viewings, heartache and Covid

December and January have been difficult months. I have lost loved ones to Covid during the year 2020, and sadly 2021 has been just as devastating. It has taken time to process my emotions and find resolution in the injustice of their deaths. 

Last night I went to my uncles viewing.  I grieved so heavily. I cried for everyone that has died, in my life, from Covid. The sadness in the room was stifling. Hearing others cry, listening to others cry because you cry. 

Sometimes we make the shittiest of choices in life. We choose to be rude, or just not speak to others. Perhaps towards a sibling you may find annoying. Or towards a family member. When someone passes we tend to go back to how we treated them. May find it hard to say a final goodbye, perhaps because time was squandered when we were living. 

Being human can be a beautiful experience, but our passing, especially during this Covid time, is heartbreakingly unfair. Time is taken from our grasps, so cruelly, so quickly, it stuns you, days follow with that same feeling of loss, until you start to feel better, and then...

...

Three weeks after my uncle died, my cousin Suzy also died of Covid. She was young, beautiful, kind and sweet. Her and I spoke last over 6 years ago. Made a promise to reconnect and never did. I regret not calling. I had not spoken to Suzy's brother for well over 10 years. Back then things were said and I hardly ever forget. I called him days after Suzy's passing. I had to tell HIM how much I loved her, how much of an angel I thought she was. 

...

If you can, make the effort to reach out to friends and family. Spread a little love. It's sad to say, but you just never know what can happen tomorrow. We don’t know who is suffering in silence today, be it Covid, another sickness or mental health issues. 

Stay healthy and safe,

With love & respect,

Kathy