My thoughts kept going back to the argument with my mom. By loosing my mom, I loose my dad. Love shouldn't be based on condition. It should not be one sided. Empathy is lacking in his heart, too. Loyalty is probably something important to him, loyalty to her. He would always say, "You know how she is." He'd then make me feel like I should apologize, or suck it up.
I couldn't even tell her the entire truth. That I have thoughts of wanting to die. I have a hard time coping with life, it's like I never learned. As I type I go back to a childhood memory, I remember being in my babysitters house. A roach crawling in front of me, and not being able to move. Not wanting to make a sound. Just looking at it crawl by. I hate roaches, but as a child, in that room, in my empty heart, I could never do anything right.
As an adult, simple shit can feel so fucking hard. Feelings are the worst to dig through. I either don't want to take the time to feel or feel angry when I am stuck in PMDD, or in tough days like today. Those moments break me, make me went to disappear. Regret I brought my children into this world to learn from a broken heart.
I had constant thoughts of wanting to die, today. It was debilitating. I thought of my family. The thought of them growing up without a mom was front and center. I can't leave them. The thoughts do go away, but I can't let go sometimes. I hold on to the sadness, to the ruminating thoughts of wanting to die; to stop feeling.
I went to the bedroom and lay in darkness for a few minutes. Tears rolling down my eyes. My husband coming in to check to see how I was doing. I googled what I was feeling, word for word, and found people who have gone through similar feelings. Who learned things through their journey, and share it to give other's the opportunity to see they are not alone.
I learned that these sad, difficult feelings do lessen. When I say them aloud, when I share my thoughts with my husband, it lessens my burden. Otherwise it's like a guilt thing that I carry in my brain, & it won't shut up. I can't give it power. I accept the thoughts are there, that they will come back, but they don't have power over me, and I don't truly want to die.
I need ways to cope with my feelings. I always thought it was just anger. But it's so much deeper than that. By coping with why I lost my mom and my dad, I realized I need ways to deal with the tough emotions life brings up. Dying is not the answer.
Love,
Kathy