I sent my mother a text this morning. I told her to call ME when she's ready to speak to me. My father, who didn't reach out for my birthday, sent me a text. He said to give her time to process.
I could of gone and text him a paragraph explaining myself. Something I would have done before. Instead, I thanked him. He did something that was probably not easy for him. But through the text I sensed compassion, not finger pointing.
He put the onus on her to reflect.
I don't want to push her into doing something she's not ready to. She has to search her consciousness to face moments she may not want to recall. Suppressed memories she thought were done. But I can't just pretend like I'm fine. PMDD & depression are a part of me. I valuable part of me, that I can't compromise to make others feel better. I can't just pretend like my life is fine when two out of four weeks I feel depressed. When the one week I go out I try to do it all before it comes back.
One day my mother was telling me that the duty of a daughter was to take "good" care of their mother. That took me by surprise. I couldn't say anything to that. Good or bad, I just stood there, thinking about times I felt unloved and how I could no longer just pretend. I love her, you see, but I don't love her for who she is supposed to be. The motherly part is covered up with memories, thing she never owned up to and I had to suck up and move on from. Of course I'll always be there for my parents, but the way she expects things makes me cringe. That's how I know I need to speak my truth. I can't just pretend and act, it's too much work.
Just thoughts,
Have a great day,
kathy