Thoughts on marriage

I am mostly in my mind. Trying to hide? 

I pray every morning for patience, the sun lights up my face and assures me it's all well. 

But deep inside, I want something else. Selfish me. Not finished with A and wanting to run all the way to the end. But these almost 8 months have taught me that I don't have to wait for time. Time is now. It is never too late to be better. 

I said something honest last night that I've been holding on to for months. I am not happy. The indifference and deflection are usual. But I won't take that, we are all responsible for our own words and actions. One cannot lead to the other without some type of reflection. 

I want to be treated with kindness. Not told to do things. I typically just do whatever is asked. The less I talk, the faster you move on. But last night, I had to say it. Acting happy vs. actually being happy are not the same. In a marriage both adults have to work towards bettering themselves and thus hopefully the marriage. 

Working through things is not my forte, but I am taking back my voice. It's not nagging, or being in trouble, it's about respect. It's about how to show affection and admiration. There isn't time to waste staying in old habits. It is time to act and behave with haste and compassion. React. Listen and show you care. 

This world is so vast, and to tell you that the monetary working that make this world run aren't for me is so cliché, but man, do I want to run in fields of flowers and grass. I want to be alone with the trees. I want to bathe in the lakes. 

Riches and bitches come and go, make room for self love and mental clarity. 

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy 

Ghetto wishes & cosmic dust [poem]

 

How can we thrive in the destruction of the chaos?

We become exposed; explode.

 Innocence taken away,

turned to anguish bursting to expose!

Expose the hate felt deep inside for the loss of a loved one for something they can’t control.

Lucky the ones that turn that pain into forgiveness and a passion for change.

 

If we could go back to the time of zero.

And Love each other for what makes us, us.

Devine beings.

Cosmic Dust. 

Helder & Co. (4/1/10 3:31pm (edit:5/15/21))

The time and place of all is never what we think.

We look to space.
We transform Earth.
We destroy the human race.

At times, I too think, things are not as they were told.

I listen to the sound from the news.
I try to not take it all in.
Not to cry.

But

Why is it that a kid can be killed and there's no crime?
The death of people in certain circumstances crush my spirit.

Why are we all here, if not to save those who die...
I believe. 

But

Is faith what we have coming; to those who choose to hurt you?

Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Some walk with faith, some choose another path, still they die, and flowers are left to pass.
Others are never found, or found too late, do you listen to the sounds that their crying makes?

I think you do, but there's so much to get done, only superheroes could be the one.

Is that why we make up stories?
To pretend that we can?
To combat... the heartache...

Tomorrow is another day.
The truth might be uncovered.
Or the truth might be revealed as we look to the sky.
...Could it be...I just can't make it?

Is it that I am weak?

I smile at love...it brings me back.
If only there was more of it...
If only they'd come back.

F*ck Man (neighbors be trippin')

My neighbors are the fucking worst. 

They play loud assss fucking music, loud assss fucking music with full blast bass. 

My daughter cries, no longer wants to take naps. 

They are just absolute fucking trash. 

I can't handle this. 

I don't want these vibes around me!

It feels like my walls come crashing down. 

People!!!

Fuck! Be kind. Just be fucking kind. To anyone. 

Enough of seeking revenge for wrongs that were never done. 

You've met the type, fucking mean, just for the heck of it!

I don't want to take it!

I wish I had money. I'd give it to these creeps to make them go away. I'd build parks, and place gardens in the places where they used to stay.

God, sometimes I feel like you just leave me alone, here. 

Like you don't even care. 

And then I think the lesson is more for them than for me, I know I have things to learn, but alone I am not.

I hold on to that so ferociously, as I have for all my life. 

Always dreaming of beautiful things on the horizon.

Palo Santo, Sage, prayers, intentions and Love.  

....The worst just happened, I wanted to loose my temper. thank god for medicine, therapy and patience. Man, I called the police, twice. They never came. My life is this strange juxtaposition between good and bad. I'm always trying to be the good. This shit sucks. I've lived here about 12 years, and they've lived here about 8. They have always been loud. Parties, Banda music, DJ's. The husband would wake up at 5:30am and start playing loud music. He then bought chickens, fixed cars at crazy hours of the day and night, bought multiple dogs, accused us of killing his dog (that was when we knew this dude was crazy, we would never harm an animal!), bought loud cars and now this bass business. This has turned into repeated harassment. I want to work towards moving out of this house. I want to write, and be recognized for it. To make a living showing the world I am good at this. 

This can't be it. I was supposed to be this awesome fucking teacher, and I got pregnant and things went sideways. My PMDD made it difficult to find a part time job, or write and be a mother. With things going smoother with medication and with therapy I hope to accomplish something that lasts a lifetime in this world. 

Change Your Environment, Change Your Mind

One of the strategies that helped me yesterday was to change my environment. I was stressing out about breakfast and having a teething three who was also hungry for food. Jazzy was making me feel angry. She has this beautiful way about her. She smiles and I melt. But I was becoming overstimulated by list of things I needed to do and the deadlines I was giving myself. 

I sent her to her toys, she was upset, but I went around my house, pink 10 year old bathrobe on, loose hair, full of loose curls and I opened all the doors, and cracked opened our windows. I let the sunshine in. It helped me take a deep breath and enjoy...life. 

I was able to overcome that instance of frustration. I was able to take one thing at a time. Put her in a high chair, give her toys, finish breakfast, get my son ready for zoom. 

I can't control others. I have to go with it and find ways to distract myself from what made me feel physically upset. Yelling is a harsh reality , it's not OK. I was like two personalities and them not knowing when I'd be upset. Who the heck wants to live that way. Not I. Not them.

So if you can, take a minute to open up your curtains, open up your doors and enjoy nature. 

I hope you have a great day!

Kat

2:20 my Favorite Part <3

I got angry yesterday, but it felt different

Yesterday was a tough day. I looked for another word besides tough and that's the one I'm sticking with. I fought anger yesterday. 

I feel anger in my chest. The familiar feeling is daunting. It's a trap. And why I step into it, I'm still working through. 

I did my breathing exercises. I took time to change my surroundings, but the feeling I had was ever present. 

I had things on my plate yesterday, laundry, a video appointment with my doctor and my two kids. I felt like I was doing too much. Doing all the work. The ego goes about this dance of why I do more. Everyone is doing their part. Working hard towards their individual goals. 

The anxiety of trying to get the timing down and watching it all fall apart was also frustration inducing. 

I wish I could tell you I fought and won. 

But, it was more of a draw. 

I got mad, I sounded mad, and probably shouted a few times. It was a feeling of getting angry but not jumping over the edge. My edge between rational and too emotionally frustrated.  

I took inventory of the things that were making me feel angry. 

Do you want a list? Why rehash, but I said I needed help. I can't do this alone, again, the kids, the chores, the food, damn, I made a list. 

Ugh, whatever, point is, I said my frustrations without the anger, no shouting, just me asking for help because my fear is ME falling apart again. 

I can't take that again. Just the thought of being sad takes me to low points, I don't want to see me fall apart, in a shadow, all alone. 

Today, the day after, I feel like myself. 

Something like yesterday would have taken away my passion, forced me to focus on my body and mind's depleted state from all the feelings. I am so thankful to write today. To feel. 

I am afraid to feel. I'm afraid this will burst. But I'm fighting so hard. Meeting my goals. Learning to enjoy MY life. 

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy 

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder - PMS with a mean streak - AND why you shouldn't live that way

Please, have a cookie, let's get deep.

In November of 2020 I started to feel changes in my body that were too difficult to ignore. A sharp pain in my ovaries has led to a diagnosis of a complex cyst. It's complex because it has debris inside. Gross. My body is changing in ways I did not anticipate. Getting an ultrasound to check my ovaries was a very strange. But life is so crazy, I was able to share 45 minutes with a stranger and make a friend for life (in my head, but our stories were so similar I know we'll always remember each other). 

That was one of the reasons I was paying a visit to the doctor. But also because I was living through debilitating episodes of depression and in hindsight anxiety. It was crippling, it had such a strong hold on my life. I had lived with this for years. 

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD is a medical condition that can wreak havoc on day to day interactions. It can make a person feel out of control with anger and/or sadness. It can make you feel like no one understands you and you're better off feeling sad, alone or angry. If you feel this way, you are amazing, no matter what. You are not those terrible thoughts or words you think or say. You are the woman that emerges days after your period starts. You are the woman that feels like herself. Can breathe and think without intrusive thoughts. Who can rationalize and not feel her heart string get strung by the hand of anger or sadness, but instead can think shit through. 

The best way I can explain time is through my period. My period would dictate my mood. Two weeks before my period I was a mess. Crying and moody. Withdrawn and tired. Then week three my period came around and my mood would improve, followed by week four of some sort of normalcy, just to start the mess again. That is not living. Trust. 

I knew I had PMDD for 5 years, but when I first sought help I was given SSRI medication doses that were much too high for me (think Prozac). The medication made me feel worse, compelled by how I had already felt, it was devastating. There was no real support for mental health. I was told to call a number and ask for help. I chose not to. And that led me towards a long and difficult road. Thankfully things are improving and there are teams and protocols in place to help us with mental, physical and emotional help. 

The first time I spoke with my doctor was through a phone call. I was not expecting this particular Covid procedure, but it was a blessing. I felt shame in speaking about PMDD and how my thoughts and action were affecting my life. Speaking on the phone helped me be more open and honest than I would have been had she been looking into my eyes. 

If you identify with my words, please speak to someone you trust. Tell them you think you may have PMDD and speak to your doctor. Identify patterns in your menstrual cycle, for example, when you start to feel sad, anxious or angry and when you start to feel better.  If you don't have a doctor, and you are feeling out of control, please seek county or state resources. I promise you, no one wants you to feel like that. You deserve the best. Even if you realize you are out of control after your period has ended, at least you found a pattern and are equipped to speak about what you see in your day to day life. 

I am currently taking medication at a very low dose. We are starting there and will see if changes are needed. I am thankful to be able to find ways to cope with PMDD and begin to repair relationships. I don't want to feel shame about something I have no control over. 

With love, 

Kathy

Funeral viewings, heartache and Covid

December and January have been difficult months. I have lost loved ones to Covid during the year 2020, and sadly 2021 has been just as devastating. It has taken time to process my emotions and find resolution in the injustice of their deaths. 

Last night I went to my uncles viewing.  I grieved so heavily. I cried for everyone that has died, in my life, from Covid. The sadness in the room was stifling. Hearing others cry, listening to others cry because you cry. 

Sometimes we make the shittiest of choices in life. We choose to be rude, or just not speak to others. Perhaps towards a sibling you may find annoying. Or towards a family member. When someone passes we tend to go back to how we treated them. May find it hard to say a final goodbye, perhaps because time was squandered when we were living. 

Being human can be a beautiful experience, but our passing, especially during this Covid time, is heartbreakingly unfair. Time is taken from our grasps, so cruelly, so quickly, it stuns you, days follow with that same feeling of loss, until you start to feel better, and then...

...

Three weeks after my uncle died, my cousin Suzy also died of Covid. She was young, beautiful, kind and sweet. Her and I spoke last over 6 years ago. Made a promise to reconnect and never did. I regret not calling. I had not spoken to Suzy's brother for well over 10 years. Back then things were said and I hardly ever forget. I called him days after Suzy's passing. I had to tell HIM how much I loved her, how much of an angel I thought she was. 

...

If you can, make the effort to reach out to friends and family. Spread a little love. It's sad to say, but you just never know what can happen tomorrow. We don’t know who is suffering in silence today, be it Covid, another sickness or mental health issues. 

Stay healthy and safe,

With love & respect,

Kathy  

Good Morning World!

After waking up, using the restroom and telling my kids to behave or no technology, I open my front door, and say, "Good Morning World!" 

Sometimes I whisper it, sometimes I say it louder, but I always try to make it a part of my day. 

If it is cold, I'll go to my kitchen window and say it. 

My three year old says it too, sometimes.

My six year old looks at me, smiles and goes about his day. He has asked me once or twice why I do it. I tell him it's because it's another beautiful day on Earth. 

Good morning ya'll :)

Love always, 

Kathy