Final Therapy and Me - hehe

Guys, we did it. 

I patiently waited for my therapists phone call, it was 1:07pm and I was getting nervous. My kids were using phones & watching a movie, I spoke to my oldest and told him to help me out and keep sister busy. He really helped. 

Elsa, my therapist, and I always begin with the outcome scores of my two week assessment. I get asked question in a survey and I answer based on my mood and the events that occurred during those two weeks. 

She was glad to tell me all the scores were green. Big improvement. It has been. Over the last 3-4 therapy sessions I had been scoring in ranges that showed I was not suicidal, depressed or anxious. By then I had been taking a second medication, Buspirone for roughly two months. (The first two weeks I started Buspirone I became angry. I had road rage which Lexapro had helped me with. I was feeling worried about the Buspirone. I did not want to feel uncontrollable anger, but I also knew that it would take longer than two weeks for the medication to take full effect). I am glad I waited and was patient with the process. I know things are fluid, you just never know how emotions will strike with Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD) but I feel I have reached a happy place in my medication. 

She asked me if there was something I wanted to share with her. I told her about the conversations I had with my dad and brother. She was kind and listened and asked questions that helped me to reflect on the conversations I had with my family members. I called my brother a narcissist. Something I had never labeled him as before. I heard so much of my mother in his taunts. 

Elsa told me I had every right to be angry. I was not in charge of my mother's feelings. I don't live with them anymore. She said I was able to see them and myself, without the interconnectedness of feelings. 

My brother taunted me because he sees me as my past. He wants to pull from that past manipulation to trap me in emotional control. 

Not going to happen. 

Elsa and I then got to the business of building a plan for the future. I checked off boxes on a paper I printed from her email. That little paper was going to help maintain all the work I've done.  

The checklist helped me see myself doing things that make me feel good, like playing with my kids, getting ready for the day, cooking. And boxes that helped me see myself doing things when getting upset: withdrawn, angry, crying, And boxes for things I can do when I am getting mad: take a walk, aromatherapy, take a break, read. It's more intricate than this, but this tool is valuable, and I am thankful it's my graduation papers. 

One part I had trouble filling out was who I can speak to during a difficult time. My dear cousin came to mind, but no one else. My husband is busy, I understand he needs a break from my emotions. I have to learn who I can rely on and who I can't. With all my love I can say this is a good thing (Him and I did go over the paper and he we had a good conversation about it. He was happy I shared it with him).  When I was at my saddest points, I would google how I felt and often found stories of people that felt like I did, and were able to convey to me that it would get better. Seeking help was a great place to start to heal. I also found bible verses that helped me connect with myself and stopped my tears from flowing more than once. I added those to the list of resources I can seek when things are getting difficult. 

I wonder how many graduation's she's had. I hope she knows I'll never forget her. She changed my life. Just by listening, being honest. She ripped a few Band-Aids off that made me think long and hard about myself. Just who I was, and why I was so darn defensive all the time. 

This entire journey makes me self aware as heck. But in a good way. It brings me comfort to speak to myself in a reassuring manner, in a way that make me feel safe, and not angry and guarded. 

I am so thankful. 

Final Therapy Session - Therapy Graduation

Today is the big graduation day. 

Some heavy stuff has gone on in my life this week, and I know that would have broke me 6 months ago. I'd be a devastated heap of emotions, barely functioning in my own home. 

I can say that at times my kids still get on my nerves, its normal. They are figuring out this world right along with me. 

I still get mad. My period and I still don't function 100 percent together. I get irritated and feel the need to let you know. Funny thing is...I can laugh at it. Sometimes during the episode, before I open my mouth, and often after the episode, after I've said too damn much, and may have been too dang harsh. But, I am also apologizing, making sure it happens less often, and I am proud the episodes are shorter. 

All the episodes were so hard on my family. I was a façade of myself so often they had no idea what version of upset they would get. It still is hard, but speaking truthfully to them about my therapy, my family life and our goals helps. 

I still cry. My emotions can be too darn much! But I can acknowledge that and can see myself as less of a bad guy. My brain, hormones and body are a lot during my period and I see that as a version of myself. Not the loving me, so I have to remind myself during those times I am more than my emotions, or anger. I am love and compassion, too. 

I am here for a reason, I am living this for a reason, I blog it because I am not alone. 

Taking medication is not for everyone. Perhaps if I had gotten help sooner, in my 20's, early 30's this might be a completely different blog, maybe still about babies and figuring stuff out. Alas, it is a journey of self discovery none the less. Perhaps I wouldn't need medication, but I do and I know I am better because I take it. 

It took our last therapy session for me to feel excited about speaking to Elsa, my therapist. It often felt like a heavy feeling in my chest. Felt like we were once again talking about what went wrong and how I fell apart. During our previous session, my therapist congratulated me on being honest with her. The honesty was what helped our sessions get better and in turn I got better. 

Thank GOD for honesty.  

Therapy graduation coming soon

 Hi. 

Happy Winter Solstice. 

Happy return to the lovely winter months in the USA. I know this season is not easy for everyone. Sunny days are almost here <3

Reading the previous post was needed. I left in October because the session that followed that post was terrible. Asking my husband to write 'No' sentences turned into a fight. 

I don't want to get into him and how he feels, but his inner feelings crept in that day. It really messed with my mind. I cried the entire session that followed but it helped see myself more. Helped me see my husband as a flawed individual, like myself. His family dynamic was better than mine, but even they had situations that made for pent up feelings. We can all have that. Approaching life with less expectations and more understanding has helped ease frustrations.    

***

Since my last post there have been ups and downs.

More ups than downs. 

After many therapy sessions, I am graduating. 

My original therapy goal was to cry 4 or less days out of the week. 

A week, folks. 

I was a mess every other day. Picking up the pieces; exhausted by the constant negative talk. When she said my goal aloud, so many thoughts came back. I went back to those hidden files I  never wanted to see. Each time I cried, it felt like a new issue to tackle. A new thing to fix about myself. 

I have gone weeks without crying. That fact took me out of my thoughts and into reality. 

How much I have improved. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I always felt like I was running away, and I was. Things get too real, and I need a pause. This last time, nothing made sense. I had to detach and assess my life, my thoughts. I spent a lot of time on the couch, but I wasn't crying. It felt like I needed to sit and relax after years of my mind racing with thoughts and laments. 

I feel good. 

Around this time last year I came back to blogging. I am so damn proud of myself today. Feeling like myself each day. I was usually an ogre. PMDD is a bitch. But after all these years, I'm still the bader bitch :)

I hope you and yours are having the best of holidays. Have a wonderful new year!

Love, 

Kat

How I speak to my children after I have a depressive or PMDD episode

 Yesterday was not good. 

Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life. 

This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly. 

Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother. 

These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it. 

I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.

On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him. 

PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die. 

I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day. 

Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow. 

Happy Birthday to me

My birthday today. 

My mom reached out. 

At the end, 

She made me feel bad. 

She told me hurtful things. 

Brought God into it. 

But I have the power to speak my truth. To Be kind. 

I am not here to hurt, I want to heal this fucking world. 

I've cried at church, asking God why I wasn't loved by my mother as a teen. 

I've cried in my car as an adult. 

I cry in my living room, today, on my birthday (as an older adult :/)

She never heard ME. She always had a knack for taking my feelings and invalidating them.  Making it about herself, closing the door, and leaving me, a mess. A child. 

I feel guilty for all my learned behavior.

I have memories of her being hurtful with her words. Me asking simple things and getting rude answers, making me feel like I was not important. 

Even now I question things. Did I do something wrong? 

I told her about therapy and my doctors. She said my childhood was good and there was no abuse, so she didn't know what I was talking about. 

I told her it started as a child, that it was difficult because we didn't have a relationship. The way she spoke to me as a kid was rude, she made fun of me in cruel ways to make my feelings invalid. When I would try to speak up, shed mock me, and in a taunting voice say, "What does the little girl have to say now?"

How can I take that?

I couldn't call her. Tried to for two months.  

Today, she said I got what I wanted, I made her cry. That was her reaction to my texts. I know things can be taken out of context. I swear, I was kind. I know it's hard to deal with raw emotions, but her way of crying, getting sick, not picking up, getting my dad on her side, is textbook her. 

 I have to tell myself, "You knew how'd shed react. Enough, Live your Life!" 

Perhaps it's liberating. 

I am healing something, torn. 

Like the tape on old library books. It has to be the thick clear one, or it wont work, no scotch tape on this book. I started healing one side with therapy, and medicine. Today, I taped the other side. Have to tape both sides of the page, or else, wtf are we doing? 

Can't risk two pages getting stuck together and ruining the rest of the story. 

Love always, 

Kathy 

Toilet Training With PMDD - Update

We have arrived to a point where I no longer need to bribe her with candy. 

I now bribe exclusively with technology. 

But Jazzy is also learning some things on her own. 

She knows she can rely on her family to hold her hand through new and difficult situations. 

She was terrified of going number 2, even though she had before. When she felt like she needed to, she would stop herself. When we put diapers on, she did not want to poop in them. She tried to go potty, but it scared her. She felt like she was pooping into a void, she lost the reassurance of a secure bottom. Where the heck is my poop going? She must of wondered.

At first, she did not like for us to be near her for her to pee. Now, she wants us close by since she is worried about the experience. She holds on to my hand and tries her best. 

Sometimes I am not in the mood for it. But It's such an important milestone. I take the ego the heck out of it, and sit with her and hold her hand. 

If you find your child is having a tough time pooping, I suggest offering extra liquids. I offer water and juice. Also a diet with fiber helps the stool stay smooth and easy to pass. If it's hard, it hurts, just like it would you and me. I made her my famous veggie soup and her stool looked nice and smooth. 

She also made up a term for going number one and number two she'll ask, "Can I mix it up?" 

It's too cute to me. Of course!  Jazzy also loves to flush the toilet and wash her hands when she finishes. She's a doll. 

Her seven year old brother, Noah, proudly sits next to her and offers to hold the technology for her when she is going potty. It is awesome, because he is learning how to be a supportive brother, as well as growing his patience with her. 

As far as me and PMDD...

I finally let things roll on their own. No pressure for her to go. I just ask for her to try. No frustration when you can't. I did have one day, when she had an accident on the high chair. I reflected and thought about what I wanted in life for the kids. How I want to react. I want their happiness and freedom. Once they go out into the real world they won't have that. In this space they are safe. And mfn potty trained. 

Have a safe and wonderful day, 

Kathy 

Can my PMDD deal with Potty Training? (Again)

My three year old went number one and number two in her potty, by herself!!!

We are so proud of her. 

But, honestly, I'm so proud of me. 

When my son was her age, I was struggling with depression and anger. The thoughts of dealing with a child and potty training seemed like the biggest, dumbest, most complicated chore. I hated it. 

I remember yelling. Yes, yelling at a child to learn to shit in a foreign object. PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) does not allow you to see beyond the hurdle. It keeps you stuck in the toughness of the situation without words of kindness or looks of love. It was something my son could not do. Of course he could. But at the moment, in those days, hours, weeks and months, it felt like something he could not comprehend. My little guy. Always so smart. I wish I could go back to those days. See myself and have compassion for us both. To hold you both and weep for whom you all used to be. Forever changed, impacted by my actions. But with so much love to overlook the sadness and the past. We can all go back to a moment of sheer shit. And hopefully look at oneself now and see the growth. 

With the grace of knowing it is never too late to ask for help. Any type of help. 

So, it was a rough experience for both of us. 

I dreaded a similar experience with my daughter. 

The biggest change I made was asking for help. I did not want to start this journey alone. I am a busy mom, and I have routines. I have to take away the pressure to fulfill a schedule and tend to her first. My husband helps when he is home, encouraging her to potty, and sitting with her when she needs us. 

Or looking away when she doesn't.

At first she would cry, and scream. The battle was just getting her to want to sit on a toilet. We bought her a Minnie Mouse Potty, and she loved it, but not enough to sit on it. So we would give her small toys, books or technology (our word for tablets, or phones). We also bribed her with her favorite gummies. She saw us buy them at the market. We got home and she wanted gummies, we told her she'd only get gummies if she sat on the potty and tried to use it. It worked!

After trying for a month, she began to tell us when her tummy "hurt," meaning she was ready to poop. 

This time, medication, counseling, and freaking breathing helped tremendously. My husband helped more than before. He encouraged her to try, and she was happy to try. I never raised my voice. I was not unkind. We all told her she could, as a family unit, and she did. 

Proud AF, 

Kathy 

Writing emails to my mental health provider

The first time I had a Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder episode, after going on the generic version of Lexapro I was a wreck. I felt depression all over again and had self negative talk constantly on my mind. The thought of having to write an email to my doctor to try and fix what was happening was a constant source of stress. On top of all the other perceived stressors. 

I don't want worry to stop anyone from seeking help. Especially from a trusted professional. Therapists, psychologists and doctors are here to help us deal with our lives, and aid us in becoming a better version of ourselves. Over time, they get to know us as who we really are, flawed individuals who want to live a better life. 

These are all ideas that helped me write my emails. Use my ideas to build your own emails, to tell your own story. We are all so beautifully unique, don't allow that light to dim during your low points. 

Find a way to flourish. 

Things I kept in mind when writing an email to my mental health provider:

Keep it simple: stick to key points:

*State the problem:

I am having a PMDD episode.

or 

I had a PMDD episode

*When?

State the date(s), times

*Does it fit a pattern?

I have had PMDD episodes 7 days before my period, this episode fits that pattern. 

*What happened during the episode?

I did not feel in control of my emotions during my episode. I had the following symptoms: depression, negative talk, suicidal ideation...

*What do you think was the trigger to your episode? (Super optional)

The trigger may have been I felt overwhelmed by: ___________

*How are you currently feeling?

At this time I feel sad, but I called the hotline number I was provided and feel more in control. 

Or 

I am feeling very sad and angry. 

Be honest. 

*Finally: What is that YOU need?

I would like to speak to you about adjusting my medication. 

Or

I need to schedule an appointment with you to discuss next steps. 

Or

What do you suggest the next steps should be?

Or

I have made the following adjustments...

I hope this helps someone feel less overwhelmed about writing to their doctor(s). 

Love always, 

Kathy 

Pictures - Jewelry making as a PMDD hobby - plus random things

Hi!

Some pictures!

Reworked this necklace due to its poor construction. 

I ended up loving the new design even more. 

 This picture doesn't show the detail

This is my daughter's, she arranged the colors and I added the clear beads.

Check out Agenda Free TV on Youtube - They specialize in Live breaking news!

Organizing stones by size 

The tray is from the Target $1 Spot. 

I use it for everything, slime, paint, food. 

Noah picked out the beads and made the whole thing himself!

We talked about measurement, counting & estimating how many beads he needed. 

I used a picture from Alaska as inspiration for these necklaces

The gradient is from green to white, but now I wish I would of gone white to green

They look better as separate pieces

This next picture I love! But the necklace broke! I'm still learning.

I had to re-do a majority of my pieces, my clasps were not on properly. Live and learn. 

That's my hair, looks so shiny! Sunny days in L.A.

I made this for my husband's birthday. It's a box I made into a door? lol what is this. 

Our kids collected the leaves and painted them by using watercolors.

Why paint leaves? 'Cus kids need creativity. Collecting leaves, picking the best ones and then making them their own. I'm sure nature approves. It lives with us.

I tied it up with a ribbon, added pipe cleaners as a door knocker, tiny branches as door handles and it looked like a little house 

(I'm a dork)

 

PMDD has taught me to be honest about my baggage

Writing is a weapon I tend to use against myself. 

I'll write sad things, angry things. 

Talking is also a weapon I use.

Either on myself or against others. 

So, sometimes, I just want to STFU. 

Just be silent. 

People can have so much to say, but all I can do is agree (often with a nod), disagree (with a 

disapproving nod), or smile. I have wanted to call my mother for 3 weeks. I want to be honest with her, 

but I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to tell her the hell I've gone through all these years. Be honest 

about my thoughts and their impact on my life. My inability to see beyond them without medication 

and psychological help. I don't want to upset anyone. Be misconstrued. Point fingers. None of it.  I just 

want to speak my truth. 

I am healing my inner child. 

The woman who as a child, a teen, felt alone. Unloved. Unheard. Misunderstood. 

I needed mental help for years and years and years. 

It was all taken as me being a fucking bitch. I just needed fucking help. 

How to heal that in a year, filled with loss, and changes? 

I want to be love, and love others.

Keeping a secret regarding mental health from my family is somethings I don't want to do anymore. 

I can't be me without saying that sometimes I feel terrible and it isn't me, it's my brain, it's my period, 

my hormones. But none of that will define me. I will learn to live with this and thrive. 

Triggered Mild PMDD Episode

When I first started medication, I had honeymoon phase with Lexapro, therapy and my whole existence. 

It felt different. I felt different. I felt a calmness I hadn't felt before. My mind was calm and quiet.

Reality is raw. 

Setbacks are too real. 

Seeing things as better than they were a year ago, is non existent during my PMDD reality. 

It's just the here and now. 

The feelings of the now. 

I emailed my doctor before this post. I had a mild episode of PMDD. I struggled with the email. Should I ask for more medicine? Should we just start over? It feels like that, anyway. This month has been a struggle to feel happy. 

My daughter dropped all of my jewelry beads and it triggered intense feelings of sadness, anger, & frustration. I mean, we made it to Friday, like, feeling OK and struggling through it, but the beads falling just pushed me over this invisible cliff. I felt like I'm always putting everyone else first, why can't they just wait, be patient, give me space! The shit I ask of children. I hate myself at times. Rationality is lacking sometimes.

I cried, I  yelled. I felt so damn powerless. Why can't they respect me and listen to me when I ask them to wait!! That bull rearing its head, ready to attack! My husband. I don't think he understands the severity of PMDD. I don't blame him, not, but at the time, I kind of do. An innocent bystander. uuufff.

Feeling better right now. Wanting to organize my beads and finish my piece. 

God, thank you. Thank you for this. It has to be for something. I pray. 

Making jewelry: hobbies in the aftermath of a PMDD episode

I had not made jewelry in well over three years. I am glad I found my jewelry making things. I learned that I had all the tools to make jewelry then. It made it seamless to pick up where I had left off. I made three more pieces last night, that I hope to show you all soon. They are all one of one.

 I showed my cousin and he said his wife and daughter would loved them. I am sending them off to them soon. I am proud & Thankful. 

 

PMDD Therapy Session

Today is two weeks since I spoke to my therapist. I am anxious about the session. I have not looked at any of my doctor's emails. It has been a productive week. I made 4 new jewelry pieces and finished two old ones.  I am trying to be present for my daughter and my son. Making efforts to reach out and touch more. More human touch, than speaking. 

Mother's day I was surprised with a trip to the Residence Inn, L.A. Live. It was an awesome stay. My kids had room to roam and lounge. They had a bubble bath on Friday and Saturday. They were beaming. 

Coming home, we talked  about our home and the noise level in the neighborhood. And, I think we have decided that we need to leave Los Angeles. Noise is getting louder and louder. Our once desolate street has become a freeway at times. We have to decide what life we want to give our kids. The type of education we can offer them. 

By Thursday of last week (today is a Monday) I was feeling more like myself. So it was a struggle ALL mid week, until I felt better. My thoughts were not about me. It's shocking to feel the difference one day to the next. But pills don't take care of everything and it honestly should not be your only fall back plan. Brains are beautifully unpredictable. So, in that, I am cognizant that I have to focus more on means to help me cope when my mind JUST WON'T. 

------I just got off the phone with my therapist. My sessions wont stop. I scored very low, which is high, on Kaiser's suicide scale. I worry I won't be able to overcome the sadness and the negative talk, next time it happens again. I have thoughts of my children being happier without me. Like I am a monster. Perhaps during the episodes I was, but in reality, I am a good person. But PMDD make me wonder. Who am I, but a terrible person? Why would I want to live? 

But those are all depression. Me wanting to stay in a state of painful comfort. Comfort in sadness. Loneliness. Enveloped in black wings. My mind racing to give me no space to think and stop. 

We made a plan. People I can speak to. Things I can do to distract. I texted the people I chose. My husband, cousin and brother. My brother knew I had been seeing a therapist and that I am on medication as well as my negative talk. My cousin knew I had a therapist, but did not know specifics. He's always been so kind to me. Always a lovely human being. He texted back right away he's always there for me, anytime. My husband is someone I don't want to burden with my intrusive, at times, suicidal thoughts, but Elsa said, "Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was going through something?" Of course I would. 

I know they all would. 

-Kathy

Honesty can bring a lot of pain. But I can focus on the good. On reaching out to others and depending on the greater good. It is out there. It can be found in a stranger you've never seen, over the phone, speaking to the soul, to offer comfort, a path to victory and the means to get there. 

17 Days Post PMDD Episode - Generic Lexapro

 Trigger Warning: Please do not read if you have difficulty reading depressive or suicidal posts. Thank YOU!

I only have a few minutes, my son is finishing online school and my daughter is making noise to tell me she is ready to get up and come to the "sala" (living room). 

...

The last 17 days have been extremely difficult. I have had thoughts of wanting to die, for days on end, with hours of repetition. I have cried and begged God to make me understand why the fuck I am alive. The thoughts of "I want to die" and "I hate living" where on repeat. 

Even though I have been speaking to a therapist, it has been difficult to function. If I didn't have any help, I'd still be feeling like I'd be better off dead. I think a rational question is, "Why do you feel this way?" The world, my world, feels too difficult. My neighbors are all mean people. Perhaps they are a reflection of me? Maybe they also have sadness in their lives and it manifests in ways I don't understand.

Just two days ago a man blasted loud music out of his car until 2:30am. In the alley behind our home. I couldn't sleep in my bed. I slept in the couch that night. It just doesn't stop. These dumb chicks start coughing whenever we are outside. It's just dumb people, with no source of life essence. Just doing shit to do shit. 

It feels like I've been shit out of luck my whole fucking life. I hate that about me. All of my emotions roll into one wave. The past, the present and the future collide with such fury within me. It's exhausting. PMDD takes your emotions and heightens them. 

It takes me deep within myself to tell ME why I hate ME so damn much. For fucking hours and days.

I don't understand why God made me, but I know I have good inside. I know I deserve to be happy. For something that is so easily attainable for some people, and for others its a damn struggle you have to work REAL hard at. 

Let's give ourselves the grace to fuck up and get up and run again. 

Day 16, yesterday, came and I felt better. I woke up and I felt different. I woke up with a clear mind. Not a voice telling me to die. I have been taking the generic version of Lexapro since January, and now take 15mg. At times I feel a calmness within my thoughts. Not my voice just being mean. 

I worry about the tomorrow, but I have to be ready. I cannot go back to pain. It hurts to feel. It's so intense. Please stay with me if you feel any of this. Please stay focused on Love. I LOVE YOU! I do, I love with everything I have, for the universe to fee. If you do not feel self love, the, feel the love of others for you. In the moment if feels like the world can move on without you. But the reality is that life could never be the same without you. Your hands, your smile, your hairs all over the place, your love of food and travel. All the little things that make you, you, mean the world to someone. I promise. You were made, by God, or by chance, whatever you feel, because this universe would never be the same without YOU. Your essence makes this universe. 

PMDD does not define US! We must proudly march on in life, and be the generation that freely speaks about depression, anxiety, PMDD...We cannot afford another man, woman or child taking their lives because their minds feel stronger than the world. We cannot allow death to be the only remedy in this beautiful world. 

Breath in with me

...be happy in this moment. You are here! 

Love you, Always,

Kathy 

One week post PMDD episode

Happy Monday!

My husband made twitch affiliate this week! He streams weekly on Twitch and has made friends and has a community rallying around him. 

I compare myself to that, and the reflection is completely opposite from him. He works, and is now making passive income. I tried but failed. I don't have friends, or a job outside of home. 

I saw a chiropractor last week, he asked me if I worked, I said, "I am a stay at home mom." He looked at me and said, "OK, not working." 

When I read that Blogger basically said my writing wasn't up to their standards, and that I don't have enough readers...I thought to myself, they are are right!

So I went on Indeed and looked for a job. A job that allows me to work nights and be a mom during the day. I'm still searching. 

personal failure + PMDD feels lonely. 

One week ago it felt like all my personal changes amounted to nothing. 

My last PMDD episode left me in a mental state filled with anxiety. I feel like I am failing at this human thing again. I didn't ever want to be here again, and yet I am. 

I'm trying to find ways to fill my time.

I brought out my jewelry making things. 

The world turns, and I with it. 

I hope you have a productive Monday :)

kat

PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) apps to track your periods

I have been tracking my period for over two years. At first, my plan was to track my ovulation and my period. But as I researched my mood swings and depressive symptoms online, there seemed to be a link to my periods. That led to a deeper understanding of my mood swings and why it was not just PMS, but Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Tracking helped find patters, and patters show continuity. That helps doctors and other health care providers find a treatment plan sooner. If you suspect you have PMDD, tracking your moods or other symptoms can be a good place to begin.  

I highly recommend the Clue App. I have relied on it for two years and find it to be intuitive. It can show you patterns you may not notice, like when your PMS may start by showing clouds on the tracker before you're period begins. I would recommend the Clue App to anyone interested in tracking fertility, periods, moods, ovulation..it offers many tools. 

Other trackers I've used but don't prefer: 

Apple's period tracker: I did not like it. I gave it a go for three months and found it complicated. I got lost in the interface and felt it gave too many unnecessary tools. 

M.P.T. (My Period Tracker) - This was my first period tracker. It was great, tracked my period and had a basic interface. Since its last update it constantly asks to be upgraded for more features. If you pay for the service I think it is a decent tracker. 

....

My personal pattern is two weeks before my period my mood changes and I have a difficult time doing daily tasks. Learning my pattern led me to the aha! moment I needed to try and improve my life. 

Have a wonderful day!

-Kathy

A list of things to try during a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

Just took a shower. Washed my face. Shaved around my eyebrows to give them some sort of shape. Small Victories, you know?

I was thinking about the past two days. Looking at where I could have done more to help myself.

I noticed I sang today. I sing a lot, more than I should, since I can't sing. Jazzy turns to me and says, "I love your song." That felt good. Felt like me.  

A list of things I can do:

*Writing: Just write. Take a moment to take was is inside of your head, out. (Update) But if your writing is negative, stop. Try something else, we'll learn new ways to express ourselves together. If you find writing helpful, please write...Give yourself time to re-read what you wrote. Look at the difference in your mind set, from one day to the next. You are not your thoughts...I need a permanent place for my laptop. Thinking of turning on a laptop to write my feelings isn't something that comes easily with a set up. I did write in my journal. The words were sad, mean and dreadful to read back. I know I don't want that aspect of my PMDD, the constant negative talk. It takes me to a mindset of me against everyone, even myself. Nothing but my anger shows.

*Music: Music is love. The feel good, the rhythm, escape. I've shared some songs bellow.

*Breathing: Take in a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, and release it for 4 seconds. Focus on your breathing to allow yourself to focus on something else...This part I need to implement into my day to day life. Maybe then when things go wrong it feels natural and not forced. I need to give breathing time.

*Help: Asking for it. This can be hard. It took me years to ask for help, I had to change doctors and spiraled into PMDD episodes monthly, 13 days before my period, like clockwork. I had to get to work charting my periods, I'll share the apps I use in another post. Please speak to a doctor, your significant other. PMDD can become a lonely, awful place. 

Time: Walk away, breath...For me, this can be rough, being alone can spiral me into deeper depression. Before medication I would go to my room, sit on the floor and cry and feel unable to shake it. With medication, I spent less time alone during my episode. That is an improvement. 

Bill Withers - Lovely Day

Johnny Nash - Can See Clearly Now

Paul McCartney and Wings - Jet

Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney - Say, Say, Say

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Emailing my doctor after a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

4/20/21

I emailed my doctor.. 

Even now, as I type, I am deep in the recesses of my brain. 

I am deep in my feelings. 

I wish my feelings were at peace. 

4/21/21

My doctor got back to me. I am one of many. I get it. 

Their response was nice. It's hardly ever the case that only one set of eyes get to see my doctor notes. There are so many layers. So many people. Schedules filled. They were sorry my treatment wasn't working. 

So am I. 

They suggested I up my dosage. I gladly will. I want these uncontrollable feelings to stop. I almost felt human for three months. What is that? Rational comes to mind. The act of being able to stop. To think, see the impact of your words and actions and stop! Alas, I can't. It breaks my heart. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is debilitating. It robs me of the freedom to feel without hesitation. My feelings and perceptions can be destructive.

I almost made it all day with out letting the small things bother me. My mate said one wrong thing and I became so upset. I went grocery shopping to clear my head, something impossible the last two days. For me, PMDD comes strong AF AF and decreases as days go by. I hope tomorrow I feel more like myself. Fun, energetic, kind and compassionate. Lovable and calm. 

I hope you are happy, healthy and carefree. Speak your beautiful truth. Rejoice in the small things. My truth isn't always beautiful, but I'm here sharing it in hopes it helps others with PMDD, or at least helps others realize how truly lucky they are in this world. Even with all the bad, I am lucky to express myself. Lucky to want to write. 

What makes you feel lucky in life?

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy <3

(warning) Sad Post - PMDD Episode (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

yesterday was not a good day for me. 

It felt bitter.

I wish I hadn't let myself get the best of me. 

Sounds nutty but it's a fight between my rational side and my anger, depression and dreadful thoughts. 

My trigger was small, yet big. 

I blamed, I cried, I wanted to run away. 

I wondered why the fuck I was even made. 

I hated myself, my life, my existence. 

My innermost desire is to be happy. 

Yesterday that felt unattainable. 

Only for normal folks. 

Today is better.

But I'm not me, yet. 

A cloud hangs over me. 

Family and Depression

My little guy is turning 7! He changed my life. Everyday before and after felt like an absolute struggle. So many things had to go wrong in life...And yet, it has all been the most important of lessons. Empathy comes to mind. 

The struggle with my mother (constant verbal fights), and my father being there, but not present, and the ever deafening sound of the need for money to be sent to their home country, left little time for me, for us as a family. I had little emotional connection in this world...When I found out I was pregnant, just months before my wedding, I felt so alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I truly felt, I would explode in sadness, anger. Shame came to mind then. Life; comes to mind know. 

When my baby was born back in March of 2014, I fell into deeper depression, not knowing how to accept love and kindness, I turned away any help, any love by his family and my own. I turned away from my baby and my husband. A long time went by. I tried asking for help, but it just never felt like it was the right fit. Deepening my struggle with PMDD and depression. 

I regret the years that flowed, it would of been so much wiser to stop and pick up the phone. To stop the struggle and to grow! But I did the opposite. Don't do that. Seek help, of any type, spiritual, mental, physical, just find the way to make yourself whole. You know how it feels to be less than your personal best, it just does not fly. 

My children taught me I needed to find a better version of me. I needed to be kind to those that really loved me. I know my parents love me, but their love is contrived in who they were when they were growing  up, in the interactions of their past. I can't fault them, but I must also strive to be better in my life and for my family. To find the help I know I needed. I am growing in acceptance that people in this world do love me and thankfully they live right here with me. The love they have for me; it took too many years to become thankful.

Go give someone a hug <3

Love, 

Kathy