First Job Interview in 5 years! + Medication Update

 AAAAHH I went for it. I went on a job interview. It's went well. I applied at my son's elementary school for a teacher's assistant position.  I did not get the job, I was overqualified. I needed to be enrolled in school. Like, babe, I'm done with school. 

The puzzle of who I am became clear to my son's principal. Turns out she had an inclination I may be a teacher since 2018! It's crazy. She knew of my last principal, whom was killed by her husband. Mrs. S read a post I wrote on a Los Angeles Times article back in October of 2018 regarding Brooke's murder. She saw my name on the post. She asked me today if I knew Brooke. Honestly, it felt good to speak Brooke's name. To say lovely things about my dear friend. 

Medication update - I was getting very heavy. Gaining weight and feeling overall gross. I spoke with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication. Dropping one type of medication down by 10mg. I felt a difference soon after lowering my dose. My feelings have been stronger, feelings of depression always come around my period, so every month I get sad, angry, lonely, without fail. No medication will make me feel 100% normal. But it has helped me see myself even when I am angry or sad. I can look at Kathy in the mirror and speak to her and tell her, "Take it easy, you will get through it." And I did. 

I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. 

-Kathy 

Happy Birthday to me

My birthday today. 

My mom reached out. 

At the end, 

She made me feel bad. 

She told me hurtful things. 

Brought God into it. 

But I have the power to speak my truth. To Be kind. 

I am not here to hurt, I want to heal this fucking world. 

I've cried at church, asking God why I wasn't loved by my mother as a teen. 

I've cried in my car as an adult. 

I cry in my living room, today, on my birthday (as an older adult :/)

She never heard ME. She always had a knack for taking my feelings and invalidating them.  Making it about herself, closing the door, and leaving me, a mess. A child. 

I feel guilty for all my learned behavior.

I have memories of her being hurtful with her words. Me asking simple things and getting rude answers, making me feel like I was not important. 

Even now I question things. Did I do something wrong? 

I told her about therapy and my doctors. She said my childhood was good and there was no abuse, so she didn't know what I was talking about. 

I told her it started as a child, that it was difficult because we didn't have a relationship. The way she spoke to me as a kid was rude, she made fun of me in cruel ways to make my feelings invalid. When I would try to speak up, shed mock me, and in a taunting voice say, "What does the little girl have to say now?"

How can I take that?

I couldn't call her. Tried to for two months.  

Today, she said I got what I wanted, I made her cry. That was her reaction to my texts. I know things can be taken out of context. I swear, I was kind. I know it's hard to deal with raw emotions, but her way of crying, getting sick, not picking up, getting my dad on her side, is textbook her. 

 I have to tell myself, "You knew how'd shed react. Enough, Live your Life!" 

Perhaps it's liberating. 

I am healing something, torn. 

Like the tape on old library books. It has to be the thick clear one, or it wont work, no scotch tape on this book. I started healing one side with therapy, and medicine. Today, I taped the other side. Have to tape both sides of the page, or else, wtf are we doing? 

Can't risk two pages getting stuck together and ruining the rest of the story. 

Love always, 

Kathy