It's been fun (not)

 I am having a shit time today. And yesterday. 

This is week 2 of back to school. 

Week 1 of my daughters speech therapy sessions (I took two weeks off for mental sanity).

I have made up my mind that my daughter is a bratt.

AAAAHHHH or am I the pushover?

I think it has a lot to do with being on medication and therapy. My brain is changing, my reactions are different. I did get upset with my daughter once the lesson was over. She could not use technology, nor could she get gummies. She cried, she screamed, it was bad. Her tantrum was one of the worst she's had. 

My tantrum was more subdued, but I heard myself fall back to old tricks, yelling back. My mom and I would go back and forth until I was told to get the hell back in my room. 

Reflection is good, too. At the end Jazzy understood (I think) her actions got her butt in trouble, so she needed a time out. She also came to understand her butt was very tired. Since she had just finished 45 min. of not listening to her speech teacher through a screen. 

I decided Jazzy needs to go in person. She needs to be engaged. I think we are all over it, her, speech therapist and I. I will take Jazzy in person next Wednesday. 

I feel upset, even mad, but subdued. I'm looking forward to leaving my daughter at my mother in laws and walking to pick up my son. I'm going to go for a brisk walk, I'm excited.

Take care,

Kathy 

Happy Birthday to me

My birthday today. 

My mom reached out. 

At the end, 

She made me feel bad. 

She told me hurtful things. 

Brought God into it. 

But I have the power to speak my truth. To Be kind. 

I am not here to hurt, I want to heal this fucking world. 

I've cried at church, asking God why I wasn't loved by my mother as a teen. 

I've cried in my car as an adult. 

I cry in my living room, today, on my birthday (as an older adult :/)

She never heard ME. She always had a knack for taking my feelings and invalidating them.  Making it about herself, closing the door, and leaving me, a mess. A child. 

I feel guilty for all my learned behavior.

I have memories of her being hurtful with her words. Me asking simple things and getting rude answers, making me feel like I was not important. 

Even now I question things. Did I do something wrong? 

I told her about therapy and my doctors. She said my childhood was good and there was no abuse, so she didn't know what I was talking about. 

I told her it started as a child, that it was difficult because we didn't have a relationship. The way she spoke to me as a kid was rude, she made fun of me in cruel ways to make my feelings invalid. When I would try to speak up, shed mock me, and in a taunting voice say, "What does the little girl have to say now?"

How can I take that?

I couldn't call her. Tried to for two months.  

Today, she said I got what I wanted, I made her cry. That was her reaction to my texts. I know things can be taken out of context. I swear, I was kind. I know it's hard to deal with raw emotions, but her way of crying, getting sick, not picking up, getting my dad on her side, is textbook her. 

 I have to tell myself, "You knew how'd shed react. Enough, Live your Life!" 

Perhaps it's liberating. 

I am healing something, torn. 

Like the tape on old library books. It has to be the thick clear one, or it wont work, no scotch tape on this book. I started healing one side with therapy, and medicine. Today, I taped the other side. Have to tape both sides of the page, or else, wtf are we doing? 

Can't risk two pages getting stuck together and ruining the rest of the story. 

Love always, 

Kathy