Happy Birthday to me

My birthday today. 

My mom reached out. 

At the end, 

She made me feel bad. 

She told me hurtful things. 

Brought God into it. 

But I have the power to speak my truth. To Be kind. 

I am not here to hurt, I want to heal this fucking world. 

I've cried at church, asking God why I wasn't loved by my mother as a teen. 

I've cried in my car as an adult. 

I cry in my living room, today, on my birthday (as an older adult :/)

She never heard ME. She always had a knack for taking my feelings and invalidating them.  Making it about herself, closing the door, and leaving me, a mess. A child. 

I feel guilty for all my learned behavior.

I have memories of her being hurtful with her words. Me asking simple things and getting rude answers, making me feel like I was not important. 

Even now I question things. Did I do something wrong? 

I told her about therapy and my doctors. She said my childhood was good and there was no abuse, so she didn't know what I was talking about. 

I told her it started as a child, that it was difficult because we didn't have a relationship. The way she spoke to me as a kid was rude, she made fun of me in cruel ways to make my feelings invalid. When I would try to speak up, shed mock me, and in a taunting voice say, "What does the little girl have to say now?"

How can I take that?

I couldn't call her. Tried to for two months.  

Today, she said I got what I wanted, I made her cry. That was her reaction to my texts. I know things can be taken out of context. I swear, I was kind. I know it's hard to deal with raw emotions, but her way of crying, getting sick, not picking up, getting my dad on her side, is textbook her. 

 I have to tell myself, "You knew how'd shed react. Enough, Live your Life!" 

Perhaps it's liberating. 

I am healing something, torn. 

Like the tape on old library books. It has to be the thick clear one, or it wont work, no scotch tape on this book. I started healing one side with therapy, and medicine. Today, I taped the other side. Have to tape both sides of the page, or else, wtf are we doing? 

Can't risk two pages getting stuck together and ruining the rest of the story. 

Love always, 

Kathy 

Pictures - Jewelry making as a PMDD hobby - plus random things

Hi!

Some pictures!

Reworked this necklace due to its poor construction. 

I ended up loving the new design even more. 

 This picture doesn't show the detail

This is my daughter's, she arranged the colors and I added the clear beads.

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Organizing stones by size 

The tray is from the Target $1 Spot. 

I use it for everything, slime, paint, food. 

Noah picked out the beads and made the whole thing himself!

We talked about measurement, counting & estimating how many beads he needed. 

I used a picture from Alaska as inspiration for these necklaces

The gradient is from green to white, but now I wish I would of gone white to green

They look better as separate pieces

This next picture I love! But the necklace broke! I'm still learning.

I had to re-do a majority of my pieces, my clasps were not on properly. Live and learn. 

That's my hair, looks so shiny! Sunny days in L.A.

I made this for my husband's birthday. It's a box I made into a door? lol what is this. 

Our kids collected the leaves and painted them by using watercolors.

Why paint leaves? 'Cus kids need creativity. Collecting leaves, picking the best ones and then making them their own. I'm sure nature approves. It lives with us.

I tied it up with a ribbon, added pipe cleaners as a door knocker, tiny branches as door handles and it looked like a little house 

(I'm a dork)

 

Family and Depression

My little guy is turning 7! He changed my life. Everyday before and after felt like an absolute struggle. So many things had to go wrong in life...And yet, it has all been the most important of lessons. Empathy comes to mind. 

The struggle with my mother (constant verbal fights), and my father being there, but not present, and the ever deafening sound of the need for money to be sent to their home country, left little time for me, for us as a family. I had little emotional connection in this world...When I found out I was pregnant, just months before my wedding, I felt so alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I truly felt, I would explode in sadness, anger. Shame came to mind then. Life; comes to mind know. 

When my baby was born back in March of 2014, I fell into deeper depression, not knowing how to accept love and kindness, I turned away any help, any love by his family and my own. I turned away from my baby and my husband. A long time went by. I tried asking for help, but it just never felt like it was the right fit. Deepening my struggle with PMDD and depression. 

I regret the years that flowed, it would of been so much wiser to stop and pick up the phone. To stop the struggle and to grow! But I did the opposite. Don't do that. Seek help, of any type, spiritual, mental, physical, just find the way to make yourself whole. You know how it feels to be less than your personal best, it just does not fly. 

My children taught me I needed to find a better version of me. I needed to be kind to those that really loved me. I know my parents love me, but their love is contrived in who they were when they were growing  up, in the interactions of their past. I can't fault them, but I must also strive to be better in my life and for my family. To find the help I know I needed. I am growing in acceptance that people in this world do love me and thankfully they live right here with me. The love they have for me; it took too many years to become thankful.

Go give someone a hug <3

Love, 

Kathy