The struggle with my mother (constant verbal fights), and my father being there, but not present, and the ever deafening sound of the need for money to be sent to their home country, left little time for me, for us as a family. I had little emotional connection in this world...When I found out I was pregnant, just months before my wedding, I felt so alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I truly felt, I would explode in sadness, anger. Shame came to mind then. Life; comes to mind know.
When my baby was born back in March of 2014, I fell into deeper depression, not knowing how to accept love and kindness, I turned away any help, any love by his family and my own. I turned away from my baby and my husband. A long time went by. I tried asking for help, but it just never felt like it was the right fit. Deepening my struggle with PMDD and depression.
I regret the years that flowed, it would of been so much wiser to stop and pick up the phone. To stop the struggle and to grow! But I did the opposite. Don't do that. Seek help, of any type, spiritual, mental, physical, just find the way to make yourself whole. You know how it feels to be less than your personal best, it just does not fly.
My children taught me I needed to find a better version of me. I needed to be kind to those that really loved me. I know my parents love me, but their love is contrived in who they were when they were growing up, in the interactions of their past. I can't fault them, but I must also strive to be better in my life and for my family. To find the help I know I needed. I am growing in acceptance that people in this world do love me and thankfully they live right here with me. The love they have for me; it took too many years to become thankful.
Go give someone a hug <3
Love,
Kathy