How I speak to my children after I have a depressive or PMDD episode

 Yesterday was not good. 

Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life. 

This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly. 

Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother. 

These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it. 

I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.

On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him. 

PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die. 

I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day. 

Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow. 

Depression and Postpartum thoughts

 I struggle to figure out who might relate to emotional numbness. 

I think my postpartum depression ladies might relate. 

Your family could be the  most awesome group of people, but the numbness creates a barrier between you and them. 

I was speaking to my husband about this. How powerless I feel about my feelings. 

It's hard to find passion in things. To say I love you and deep down inside not question it. I question if I belong in that space to even utter those words. 

Anger is something I also can't wholly control. It feels like anger comes in like a bull in a pen, ready to just you, GO! It takes a hold that sucks me into depression and anger. 

Escitalopram Or generic Lexapro has helped. My emotions are less explosive, but things are still triggering. I believe my family could help around the house more and alleviate some of the stress I feel. My son could be more willing to go with the flow. My daughter is growing up and becoming more and more independent. I love that, but I am so frustrated by my son's immaturity that hers is just difficult to enjoy. 

...

I want to be loved, I deserve love. I give it abundantly and deserve it in return; with no strings attached.

Depression does not allow me to see love. It asks me to see the world through a lens set on the past, looking into the future. I allow my whirlwind of thoughts to penetrate the future with a fury. 

I am asked to take a step back, assess, and I am working on that. Depression and sadness come too easy for me to detach. Writing, cooking and other activities seem too much. I can't pick them up. I ask myself what I want to do and get sadness in return. 

But honey, I can't stay there. I can't dwell there any longer. I have to understand that I have those thoughts, but they are thoughts, I have to fill the void with something that let's me see past my pain. My doctor suggested I purchase a coloring book for adults. I've always hated on those. But at this point bring it on.

Postpartum cannot eradicate the years of not having depression! The years filled with depression cannot eradicate the renewed sense of changing things around. 

Dammit, I will not allow my world to dictate my life, or my mind to dictate my body. There have been setbacks. The worst I have had in four months, but I am overcoming it. I spoke up. I asked for help. 

It ain't pretty, it ain't over, and there may be more steps back, but I can't give up on me.

I am a human being on Earth, before I am a woman, a mother, or a wife. 

I am a being here for some reason and have to make the most of this. 

I have to make this one count!

-Kathy 

The Grip - 10/16/12

A delusion,

from my brain,

the constant chatter,

my thoughts scatter

until it starts the pouring rain.


The feelings never cease

or decrease.



The façade invites you in,

until you see what it does, within...



doors opening,
to be shut by the tender hand.



Had I left this long ago, a ghost of what I was before,

I'd be gone, not caring.

Like a dog, unwavering,

until you give me my treat

tell me to succeed,

as I force myself to move it along.


Happiness within, a tight fit,

almost choking my subconscious.

Almost killing me within.

Death by thine invisible hands,

gripping tightly at my brain.

Family and Depression

My little guy is turning 7! He changed my life. Everyday before and after felt like an absolute struggle. So many things had to go wrong in life...And yet, it has all been the most important of lessons. Empathy comes to mind. 

The struggle with my mother (constant verbal fights), and my father being there, but not present, and the ever deafening sound of the need for money to be sent to their home country, left little time for me, for us as a family. I had little emotional connection in this world...When I found out I was pregnant, just months before my wedding, I felt so alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I truly felt, I would explode in sadness, anger. Shame came to mind then. Life; comes to mind know. 

When my baby was born back in March of 2014, I fell into deeper depression, not knowing how to accept love and kindness, I turned away any help, any love by his family and my own. I turned away from my baby and my husband. A long time went by. I tried asking for help, but it just never felt like it was the right fit. Deepening my struggle with PMDD and depression. 

I regret the years that flowed, it would of been so much wiser to stop and pick up the phone. To stop the struggle and to grow! But I did the opposite. Don't do that. Seek help, of any type, spiritual, mental, physical, just find the way to make yourself whole. You know how it feels to be less than your personal best, it just does not fly. 

My children taught me I needed to find a better version of me. I needed to be kind to those that really loved me. I know my parents love me, but their love is contrived in who they were when they were growing  up, in the interactions of their past. I can't fault them, but I must also strive to be better in my life and for my family. To find the help I know I needed. I am growing in acceptance that people in this world do love me and thankfully they live right here with me. The love they have for me; it took too many years to become thankful.

Go give someone a hug <3

Love, 

Kathy

A long week & a bitter sweet Friday

This has been a rough week. 

I've been doing everything I can, but it still fell short. 

I know the treatment is new and just beginning, but the feelings of failure and going backwards are ever present. 

I wish I were kinder, sweeter. 

That I would radiate love.

But on certain days, who I am is not how I want to feel. 

This was the week. 

It took me longer than it should have, but 

I reached out for help. 

I spoke to professionals who eased my pain, eased my emotional turmoil. 

There are victories to celebrated. 

In each day moving forwards, 

making the last day better.

Coming here today was not easy. 

I told myself I didn't want to. 

I stopped commitments, because I need the mental space. 

I have to give myself THE space. 

I know. 

Also GIVE myself grace. 

I will. 

Have a happy Friday,

Kathy