How I speak to my children after I have a depressive or PMDD episode

 Yesterday was not good. 

Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life. 

This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly. 

Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother. 

These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it. 

I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.

On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him. 

PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die. 

I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day. 

Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow. 

Self Worth and relationships

It took me some time to find a new layout for the blog. I went through three or four layouts until I found one I liked. It was getting late, but I had two red bulls and was ready to be creative. 

When I finished, I showed my husband. He was busy. He looked at it and didn't say a word, made a face and that was it. No words, no encouragement. 

I went to the restroom, brushed my teeth and wiped my face with a baby wipe. I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke truth to me. 

I told myself I am doing the right things by working on myself. Going to therapy, breathing and writing. But above all, I am the creator of my reality. I should of seen that he was busy. He wouldn't have the right state of mind to give me his time, not matter how small. Instead of setting someone up to fail, and feeling the sadness of reality, I should seek my own approval. I am my own cheerleader.

On Monday, I went to therapy. We spoke about my childhood and my husband's. The almost 100% difference between our upbringing. It was a real eye opener for me. When I tried to share what I learned with my husband, he made a joke and said, probably honestly, "I know nothing about your childhood."

That hurt me, 'cus I've shared many stories. 

He's a nice man. A good father. But a poor communicator. 

I am thankful I can see things. My anger, sadness and frustration wouldn't allow me to go beyond the pain of his lack of communication. Beyond just thinking he didn't care enough. He cares but can't multitask. Can't form the right words. Maybe he'll work on it. Maybe he won't. But, I found my answer: to keep doing what I am doing. Keep hustling and become the best version of myself.