How I speak to my children after I have a depressive or PMDD episode

 Yesterday was not good. 

Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life. 

This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly. 

Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother. 

These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it. 

I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.

On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him. 

PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die. 

I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day. 

Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow. 

PMDD Therapy Session

Today is two weeks since I spoke to my therapist. I am anxious about the session. I have not looked at any of my doctor's emails. It has been a productive week. I made 4 new jewelry pieces and finished two old ones.  I am trying to be present for my daughter and my son. Making efforts to reach out and touch more. More human touch, than speaking. 

Mother's day I was surprised with a trip to the Residence Inn, L.A. Live. It was an awesome stay. My kids had room to roam and lounge. They had a bubble bath on Friday and Saturday. They were beaming. 

Coming home, we talked  about our home and the noise level in the neighborhood. And, I think we have decided that we need to leave Los Angeles. Noise is getting louder and louder. Our once desolate street has become a freeway at times. We have to decide what life we want to give our kids. The type of education we can offer them. 

By Thursday of last week (today is a Monday) I was feeling more like myself. So it was a struggle ALL mid week, until I felt better. My thoughts were not about me. It's shocking to feel the difference one day to the next. But pills don't take care of everything and it honestly should not be your only fall back plan. Brains are beautifully unpredictable. So, in that, I am cognizant that I have to focus more on means to help me cope when my mind JUST WON'T. 

------I just got off the phone with my therapist. My sessions wont stop. I scored very low, which is high, on Kaiser's suicide scale. I worry I won't be able to overcome the sadness and the negative talk, next time it happens again. I have thoughts of my children being happier without me. Like I am a monster. Perhaps during the episodes I was, but in reality, I am a good person. But PMDD make me wonder. Who am I, but a terrible person? Why would I want to live? 

But those are all depression. Me wanting to stay in a state of painful comfort. Comfort in sadness. Loneliness. Enveloped in black wings. My mind racing to give me no space to think and stop. 

We made a plan. People I can speak to. Things I can do to distract. I texted the people I chose. My husband, cousin and brother. My brother knew I had been seeing a therapist and that I am on medication as well as my negative talk. My cousin knew I had a therapist, but did not know specifics. He's always been so kind to me. Always a lovely human being. He texted back right away he's always there for me, anytime. My husband is someone I don't want to burden with my intrusive, at times, suicidal thoughts, but Elsa said, "Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was going through something?" Of course I would. 

I know they all would. 

-Kathy

Honesty can bring a lot of pain. But I can focus on the good. On reaching out to others and depending on the greater good. It is out there. It can be found in a stranger you've never seen, over the phone, speaking to the soul, to offer comfort, a path to victory and the means to get there. 

The Grip - 10/16/12

A delusion,

from my brain,

the constant chatter,

my thoughts scatter

until it starts the pouring rain.


The feelings never cease

or decrease.



The façade invites you in,

until you see what it does, within...



doors opening,
to be shut by the tender hand.



Had I left this long ago, a ghost of what I was before,

I'd be gone, not caring.

Like a dog, unwavering,

until you give me my treat

tell me to succeed,

as I force myself to move it along.


Happiness within, a tight fit,

almost choking my subconscious.

Almost killing me within.

Death by thine invisible hands,

gripping tightly at my brain.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder - PMS with a mean streak - AND why you shouldn't live that way

Please, have a cookie, let's get deep.

In November of 2020 I started to feel changes in my body that were too difficult to ignore. A sharp pain in my ovaries has led to a diagnosis of a complex cyst. It's complex because it has debris inside. Gross. My body is changing in ways I did not anticipate. Getting an ultrasound to check my ovaries was a very strange. But life is so crazy, I was able to share 45 minutes with a stranger and make a friend for life (in my head, but our stories were so similar I know we'll always remember each other). 

That was one of the reasons I was paying a visit to the doctor. But also because I was living through debilitating episodes of depression and in hindsight anxiety. It was crippling, it had such a strong hold on my life. I had lived with this for years. 

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD is a medical condition that can wreak havoc on day to day interactions. It can make a person feel out of control with anger and/or sadness. It can make you feel like no one understands you and you're better off feeling sad, alone or angry. If you feel this way, you are amazing, no matter what. You are not those terrible thoughts or words you think or say. You are the woman that emerges days after your period starts. You are the woman that feels like herself. Can breathe and think without intrusive thoughts. Who can rationalize and not feel her heart string get strung by the hand of anger or sadness, but instead can think shit through. 

The best way I can explain time is through my period. My period would dictate my mood. Two weeks before my period I was a mess. Crying and moody. Withdrawn and tired. Then week three my period came around and my mood would improve, followed by week four of some sort of normalcy, just to start the mess again. That is not living. Trust. 

I knew I had PMDD for 5 years, but when I first sought help I was given SSRI medication doses that were much too high for me (think Prozac). The medication made me feel worse, compelled by how I had already felt, it was devastating. There was no real support for mental health. I was told to call a number and ask for help. I chose not to. And that led me towards a long and difficult road. Thankfully things are improving and there are teams and protocols in place to help us with mental, physical and emotional help. 

The first time I spoke with my doctor was through a phone call. I was not expecting this particular Covid procedure, but it was a blessing. I felt shame in speaking about PMDD and how my thoughts and action were affecting my life. Speaking on the phone helped me be more open and honest than I would have been had she been looking into my eyes. 

If you identify with my words, please speak to someone you trust. Tell them you think you may have PMDD and speak to your doctor. Identify patterns in your menstrual cycle, for example, when you start to feel sad, anxious or angry and when you start to feel better.  If you don't have a doctor, and you are feeling out of control, please seek county or state resources. I promise you, no one wants you to feel like that. You deserve the best. Even if you realize you are out of control after your period has ended, at least you found a pattern and are equipped to speak about what you see in your day to day life. 

I am currently taking medication at a very low dose. We are starting there and will see if changes are needed. I am thankful to be able to find ways to cope with PMDD and begin to repair relationships. I don't want to feel shame about something I have no control over. 

With love, 

Kathy