Today is two weeks since I spoke to my therapist. I am anxious about the session. I have not looked at any of my doctor's emails. It has been a productive week. I made 4 new jewelry pieces and finished two old ones. I am trying to be present for my daughter and my son. Making efforts to reach out and touch more. More human touch, than speaking.
Mother's day I was surprised with a trip to the Residence Inn, L.A. Live. It was an awesome stay. My kids had room to roam and lounge. They had a bubble bath on Friday and Saturday. They were beaming.
Coming home, we talked about our home and the noise level in the neighborhood. And, I think we have decided that we need to leave Los Angeles. Noise is getting louder and louder. Our once desolate street has become a freeway at times. We have to decide what life we want to give our kids. The type of education we can offer them.
By Thursday of last week (today is a Monday) I was feeling more like myself. So it was a struggle ALL mid week, until I felt better. My thoughts were not about me. It's shocking to feel the difference one day to the next. But pills don't take care of everything and it honestly should not be your only fall back plan. Brains are beautifully unpredictable. So, in that, I am cognizant that I have to focus more on means to help me cope when my mind JUST WON'T.
------I just got off the phone with my therapist. My sessions wont stop. I scored very low, which is high, on Kaiser's suicide scale. I worry I won't be able to overcome the sadness and the negative talk, next time it happens again. I have thoughts of my children being happier without me. Like I am a monster. Perhaps during the episodes I was, but in reality, I am a good person. But PMDD make me wonder. Who am I, but a terrible person? Why would I want to live?
But those are all depression. Me wanting to stay in a state of painful comfort. Comfort in sadness. Loneliness. Enveloped in black wings. My mind racing to give me no space to think and stop.
We made a plan. People I can speak to. Things I can do to distract. I texted the people I chose. My husband, cousin and brother. My brother knew I had been seeing a therapist and that I am on medication as well as my negative talk. My cousin knew I had a therapist, but did not know specifics. He's always been so kind to me. Always a lovely human being. He texted back right away he's always there for me, anytime. My husband is someone I don't want to burden with my intrusive, at times, suicidal thoughts, but Elsa said, "Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was going through something?" Of course I would.
I know they all would.
-Kathy
Honesty can bring a lot of pain. But I can focus on the good. On reaching out to others and depending on the greater good. It is out there. It can be found in a stranger you've never seen, over the phone, speaking to the soul, to offer comfort, a path to victory and the means to get there.