When I first started medication, I had honeymoon phase with Lexapro, therapy and my whole existence.
It felt different. I felt different. I felt a calmness I hadn't felt before. My mind was calm and quiet.
Reality is raw.
Setbacks are too real.
Seeing things as better than they were a year ago, is non existent during my PMDD reality.
It's just the here and now.
The feelings of the now.
I emailed my doctor before this post. I had a mild episode of PMDD. I struggled with the email. Should I ask for more medicine? Should we just start over? It feels like that, anyway. This month has been a struggle to feel happy.
My daughter dropped all of my jewelry beads and it triggered intense feelings of sadness, anger, & frustration. I mean, we made it to Friday, like, feeling OK and struggling through it, but the beads falling just pushed me over this invisible cliff. I felt like I'm always putting everyone else first, why can't they just wait, be patient, give me space! The shit I ask of children. I hate myself at times. Rationality is lacking sometimes.
I cried, I yelled. I felt so damn powerless. Why can't they respect me and listen to me when I ask them to wait!! That bull rearing its head, ready to attack! My husband. I don't think he understands the severity of PMDD. I don't blame him, not, but at the time, I kind of do. An innocent bystander. uuufff.
Feeling better right now. Wanting to organize my beads and finish my piece.
God, thank you. Thank you for this. It has to be for something. I pray.