Writing is a weapon I tend to use against myself.
I'll write sad things, angry things.
Talking is also a weapon I use.
Either on myself or against others.
So, sometimes, I just want to STFU.
Just be silent.
People can have so much to say, but all I can do is agree (often with a nod), disagree (with a
disapproving nod), or smile. I have wanted to call my mother for 3 weeks. I want to be honest with her,
but I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to tell her the hell I've gone through all these years. Be honest
about my thoughts and their impact on my life. My inability to see beyond them without medication
and psychological help. I don't want to upset anyone. Be misconstrued. Point fingers. None of it. I just
want to speak my truth.
I am healing my inner child.
The woman who as a child, a teen, felt alone. Unloved. Unheard. Misunderstood.
I needed mental help for years and years and years.
It was all taken as me being a fucking bitch. I just needed fucking help.
How to heal that in a year, filled with loss, and changes?
I want to be love, and love others.
Keeping a secret regarding mental health from my family is somethings I don't want to do anymore.
I can't be me without saying that sometimes I feel terrible and it isn't me, it's my brain, it's my period,
my hormones. But none of that will define me. I will learn to live with this and thrive.