Trigger Warning: Please do not read if you have difficulty reading depressive or suicidal posts. Thank YOU!
I only have a few minutes, my son is finishing online school and my daughter is making noise to tell me she is ready to get up and come to the "sala" (living room).
...
The last 17 days have been extremely difficult. I have had thoughts of wanting to die, for days on end, with hours of repetition. I have cried and begged God to make me understand why the fuck I am alive. The thoughts of "I want to die" and "I hate living" where on repeat.
Even though I have been speaking to a therapist, it has been difficult to function. If I didn't have any help, I'd still be feeling like I'd be better off dead. I think a rational question is, "Why do you feel this way?" The world, my world, feels too difficult. My neighbors are all mean people. Perhaps they are a reflection of me? Maybe they also have sadness in their lives and it manifests in ways I don't understand.
Just two days ago a man blasted loud music out of his car until 2:30am. In the alley behind our home. I couldn't sleep in my bed. I slept in the couch that night. It just doesn't stop. These dumb chicks start coughing whenever we are outside. It's just dumb people, with no source of life essence. Just doing shit to do shit.
It feels like I've been shit out of luck my whole fucking life. I hate that about me. All of my emotions roll into one wave. The past, the present and the future collide with such fury within me. It's exhausting. PMDD takes your emotions and heightens them.
It takes me deep within myself to tell ME why I hate ME so damn much. For fucking hours and days.
I don't understand why God made me, but I know I have good inside. I know I deserve to be happy. For something that is so easily attainable for some people, and for others its a damn struggle you have to work REAL hard at.
Let's give ourselves the grace to fuck up and get up and run again.
Day 16, yesterday, came and I felt better. I woke up and I felt different. I woke up with a clear mind. Not a voice telling me to die. I have been taking the generic version of Lexapro since January, and now take 15mg. At times I feel a calmness within my thoughts. Not my voice just being mean.
I worry about the tomorrow, but I have to be ready. I cannot go back to pain. It hurts to feel. It's so intense. Please stay with me if you feel any of this. Please stay focused on Love. I LOVE YOU! I do, I love with everything I have, for the universe to fee. If you do not feel self love, the, feel the love of others for you. In the moment if feels like the world can move on without you. But the reality is that life could never be the same without you. Your hands, your smile, your hairs all over the place, your love of food and travel. All the little things that make you, you, mean the world to someone. I promise. You were made, by God, or by chance, whatever you feel, because this universe would never be the same without YOU. Your essence makes this universe.
PMDD does not define US! We must proudly march on in life, and be the generation that freely speaks about depression, anxiety, PMDD...We cannot afford another man, woman or child taking their lives because their minds feel stronger than the world. We cannot allow death to be the only remedy in this beautiful world.
Breath in with me
...be happy in this moment. You are here!
Love you, Always,
Kathy