 |
| Please, have a cookie, let's get deep. |
In November of 2020 I started to feel changes in my body that were too difficult to ignore. A sharp pain in my ovaries has led to a diagnosis of a complex cyst. It's complex because it has debris inside. Gross. My body is changing in ways I did not anticipate. Getting an ultrasound to check my ovaries was a very strange. But life is so crazy, I was able to share 45 minutes with a stranger and make a friend for life (in my head, but our stories were so similar I know we'll always remember each other).
That was one of the reasons I was paying a visit to the doctor. But also because I was living through debilitating episodes of depression and in hindsight anxiety. It was crippling, it had such a strong hold on my life. I had lived with this for years.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD is a medical condition that can wreak havoc on day to day interactions. It can make a person feel out of control with anger and/or sadness. It can make you feel like no one understands you and you're better off feeling sad, alone or angry. If you feel this way, you are amazing, no matter what. You are not those terrible thoughts or words you think or say. You are the woman that emerges days after your period starts. You are the woman that feels like herself. Can breathe and think without intrusive thoughts. Who can rationalize and not feel her heart string get strung by the hand of anger or sadness, but instead can think shit through.
The best way I can explain time is through my period. My period would dictate my mood. Two weeks before my period I was a mess. Crying and moody. Withdrawn and tired. Then week three my period came around and my mood would improve, followed by week four of some sort of normalcy, just to start the mess again. That is not living. Trust.
I knew I had PMDD for 5 years, but when I first sought help I was given SSRI medication doses that were much too high for me (think Prozac). The medication made me feel worse, compelled by how I had already felt, it was devastating. There was no real support for mental health. I was told to call a number and ask for help. I chose not to. And that led me towards a long and difficult road. Thankfully things are improving and there are teams and protocols in place to help us with mental, physical and emotional help.
The first time I spoke with my doctor was through a phone call. I was not expecting this particular Covid procedure, but it was a blessing. I felt shame in speaking about PMDD and how my thoughts and action were affecting my life. Speaking on the phone helped me be more open and honest than I would have been had she been looking into my eyes.
If you identify with my words, please speak to someone you trust. Tell them you think you may have PMDD and speak to your doctor. Identify patterns in your menstrual cycle, for example, when you start to feel sad, anxious or angry and when you start to feel better. If you don't have a doctor, and you are feeling out of control, please seek county or state resources. I promise you, no one wants you to feel like that. You deserve the best. Even if you realize you are out of control after your period has ended, at least you found a pattern and are equipped to speak about what you see in your day to day life.
I am currently taking medication at a very low dose. We are starting there and will see if changes are needed. I am thankful to be able to find ways to cope with PMDD and begin to repair relationships. I don't want to feel shame about something I have no control over.
With love,
Kathy