Final Therapy Session - Therapy Graduation

Today is the big graduation day. 

Some heavy stuff has gone on in my life this week, and I know that would have broke me 6 months ago. I'd be a devastated heap of emotions, barely functioning in my own home. 

I can say that at times my kids still get on my nerves, its normal. They are figuring out this world right along with me. 

I still get mad. My period and I still don't function 100 percent together. I get irritated and feel the need to let you know. Funny thing is...I can laugh at it. Sometimes during the episode, before I open my mouth, and often after the episode, after I've said too damn much, and may have been too dang harsh. But, I am also apologizing, making sure it happens less often, and I am proud the episodes are shorter. 

All the episodes were so hard on my family. I was a façade of myself so often they had no idea what version of upset they would get. It still is hard, but speaking truthfully to them about my therapy, my family life and our goals helps. 

I still cry. My emotions can be too darn much! But I can acknowledge that and can see myself as less of a bad guy. My brain, hormones and body are a lot during my period and I see that as a version of myself. Not the loving me, so I have to remind myself during those times I am more than my emotions, or anger. I am love and compassion, too. 

I am here for a reason, I am living this for a reason, I blog it because I am not alone. 

Taking medication is not for everyone. Perhaps if I had gotten help sooner, in my 20's, early 30's this might be a completely different blog, maybe still about babies and figuring stuff out. Alas, it is a journey of self discovery none the less. Perhaps I wouldn't need medication, but I do and I know I am better because I take it. 

It took our last therapy session for me to feel excited about speaking to Elsa, my therapist. It often felt like a heavy feeling in my chest. Felt like we were once again talking about what went wrong and how I fell apart. During our previous session, my therapist congratulated me on being honest with her. The honesty was what helped our sessions get better and in turn I got better. 

Thank GOD for honesty.  

About yesterday (added some words)

 I got a text around 8:00pm. It said, "You refused the gifts"

My response was to laugh, and to think, like damn from the 5 min. conversation I had with my dad earlier, that's all the insight you got?

Earlier today my phone rings, I look and it says 'Dad'. I hesitate to pick it up. But I do it, it finally happened, a phone call from one of my parents. 

Me: Hi Dad

Dad: Hi, Merry Christmas

Me: Merry Christmas

Dad: Look, I'm going to drop off some gifts at your house (never asking, just telling me, I'm doing this, he was in his car, calling me.)

Me: (Pauses, breathes heavily) 

Me: No. I can't take them. I want to talk to you and mom, first. I want to have a conversation. I can't take the gifts. 

Dad: (Silence)

Dad: No one is coming with me. It's fine. 

Me: (Disappointed: what can't he understand? I want to sit and talk) 

Me: No. 

Dad: She doesn't want to talk to you either. She is not coming. 

Me: But why is she mad? I wanted to tell her I've been sick. To share with her that I wanted to kill myself. But that I've been in therapy. She doesn't want to hear me. 

Dad: (Pause)

Me: I am not trying to not take your gifts to make you feel bad, I just want to talk to both of you, first.

Dad: Well, then. If that's how you feel. Ok, then...Bye. 

Me: (Feels sad, but also proud, because they have often used gifts in ways I found manipulative, things even my husband noticed early on)

...

Hours later, my brother texts me about refusing the gifts. I laughed. I was surprised that was all that came out of the conversation I had with my dad. 

He then proceeds to text me again.

He was so harsh. He called me stupid, that I have a high school mentality. Called us grown ass woman who need to act some sort of way to appease him. 

I called him. I couldn't text fast enough to show my anger. 

He started to taunt me, "Don't start crying." I was so mad. I was crying. I was mad! That is the energy I am trying to escape. I deserve to be treated better. I don't understand why I am not enough for them. I can't take gifts for my kids, I can't act like our whole family dynamic isn't way off. 

I text my brother this morning. Last night I told him he needed to apologize to me. I told him I was not going to speak to him again if he didn't. His attitude and assumption were why I was already so distant. WTF was his problem?! 

He didn't apologize. I hung up. But this morning I was feelin so frustrated in him treating me so nasty. Last night he said I was still depressed, and that I felt like shit because I wasn't speaking to my mom. 

I needed to change his narrative. 

It's not like that. I don't mind not speaking to her. I don't mind not having a relationship with her. It was always superficial. From my mom, dad and brothers. 

They don't care to know me, the good and the bad that is me. What if the bad was more than the good happening in my life? Am I supposed to hide that from those I love?

He apologized for last night. I acknowledge he doesn't want to see his family sad or hurt. 

The way he went about it, though, was classic narcissist. Well learned from the manipulation going on within his house. I may feel good,  but I know my mother feels bad. Then,  why not just confront the problem? Hearing facts can be hard. But I think the bigger torture is whatever thoughts are filling her head. Why not just hear me out, and get things off her own chest?

They all treat me like I was that frustrated 25 year old that left their house. Or better yet, that 15 year old, hurt by her mother's words. Or that 20 year old, crying at church, sobbing because I would rather die than continue to be treated like I was unworthy of love. 

Things change. People can become a better version of themselves. Why not meet her? 

I am worthy. 

Thanks for reading <3

Therapy graduation coming soon

 Hi. 

Happy Winter Solstice. 

Happy return to the lovely winter months in the USA. I know this season is not easy for everyone. Sunny days are almost here <3

Reading the previous post was needed. I left in October because the session that followed that post was terrible. Asking my husband to write 'No' sentences turned into a fight. 

I don't want to get into him and how he feels, but his inner feelings crept in that day. It really messed with my mind. I cried the entire session that followed but it helped see myself more. Helped me see my husband as a flawed individual, like myself. His family dynamic was better than mine, but even they had situations that made for pent up feelings. We can all have that. Approaching life with less expectations and more understanding has helped ease frustrations.    

***

Since my last post there have been ups and downs.

More ups than downs. 

After many therapy sessions, I am graduating. 

My original therapy goal was to cry 4 or less days out of the week. 

A week, folks. 

I was a mess every other day. Picking up the pieces; exhausted by the constant negative talk. When she said my goal aloud, so many thoughts came back. I went back to those hidden files I  never wanted to see. Each time I cried, it felt like a new issue to tackle. A new thing to fix about myself. 

I have gone weeks without crying. That fact took me out of my thoughts and into reality. 

How much I have improved. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I always felt like I was running away, and I was. Things get too real, and I need a pause. This last time, nothing made sense. I had to detach and assess my life, my thoughts. I spent a lot of time on the couch, but I wasn't crying. It felt like I needed to sit and relax after years of my mind racing with thoughts and laments. 

I feel good. 

Around this time last year I came back to blogging. I am so damn proud of myself today. Feeling like myself each day. I was usually an ogre. PMDD is a bitch. But after all these years, I'm still the bader bitch :)

I hope you and yours are having the best of holidays. Have a wonderful new year!

Love, 

Kat

Setting Healthy Boundaries

 I told my brother I'd get back to him when I felt ready to. 

I was struggling with communicating with him, much like I was with my mom. I don't want confrontation, or misconstrued ideas. I want what is best for me, my family and them as well. But I cannot compromise the latter for the former. 

He text me first. He said he was sorry for his joke and that he knew I was "in a rough spot" and was sorry. That is not an apology. My emotional state had nothing to do with me thinking his "joke" was not funny. 

There is nothing wrong with you for disagreeing with someone else. That person should not use their words to make you the victim. No victims here. I'm looking out for myself. Normal human things we don't do enough of. 

I sent him information on mental health, but he said he'd read it when he has time. I don't have the time to wait for that. I don't want the type of energy he has at this time. It is dark. I almost feel like he enjoys talking about some things that I find triggering. I am here to help him, but he has to find himself. 

I told him I was not in a rough spot, but instead was setting healthy boundaries. 

As we all should. 

Love,

Kathy 

Can my PMDD deal with Potty Training? (Again)

My three year old went number one and number two in her potty, by herself!!!

We are so proud of her. 

But, honestly, I'm so proud of me. 

When my son was her age, I was struggling with depression and anger. The thoughts of dealing with a child and potty training seemed like the biggest, dumbest, most complicated chore. I hated it. 

I remember yelling. Yes, yelling at a child to learn to shit in a foreign object. PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) does not allow you to see beyond the hurdle. It keeps you stuck in the toughness of the situation without words of kindness or looks of love. It was something my son could not do. Of course he could. But at the moment, in those days, hours, weeks and months, it felt like something he could not comprehend. My little guy. Always so smart. I wish I could go back to those days. See myself and have compassion for us both. To hold you both and weep for whom you all used to be. Forever changed, impacted by my actions. But with so much love to overlook the sadness and the past. We can all go back to a moment of sheer shit. And hopefully look at oneself now and see the growth. 

With the grace of knowing it is never too late to ask for help. Any type of help. 

So, it was a rough experience for both of us. 

I dreaded a similar experience with my daughter. 

The biggest change I made was asking for help. I did not want to start this journey alone. I am a busy mom, and I have routines. I have to take away the pressure to fulfill a schedule and tend to her first. My husband helps when he is home, encouraging her to potty, and sitting with her when she needs us. 

Or looking away when she doesn't.

At first she would cry, and scream. The battle was just getting her to want to sit on a toilet. We bought her a Minnie Mouse Potty, and she loved it, but not enough to sit on it. So we would give her small toys, books or technology (our word for tablets, or phones). We also bribed her with her favorite gummies. She saw us buy them at the market. We got home and she wanted gummies, we told her she'd only get gummies if she sat on the potty and tried to use it. It worked!

After trying for a month, she began to tell us when her tummy "hurt," meaning she was ready to poop. 

This time, medication, counseling, and freaking breathing helped tremendously. My husband helped more than before. He encouraged her to try, and she was happy to try. I never raised my voice. I was not unkind. We all told her she could, as a family unit, and she did. 

Proud AF, 

Kathy 

Pictures - Jewelry making as a PMDD hobby - plus random things

Hi!

Some pictures!

Reworked this necklace due to its poor construction. 

I ended up loving the new design even more. 

 This picture doesn't show the detail

This is my daughter's, she arranged the colors and I added the clear beads.

Check out Agenda Free TV on Youtube - They specialize in Live breaking news!

Organizing stones by size 

The tray is from the Target $1 Spot. 

I use it for everything, slime, paint, food. 

Noah picked out the beads and made the whole thing himself!

We talked about measurement, counting & estimating how many beads he needed. 

I used a picture from Alaska as inspiration for these necklaces

The gradient is from green to white, but now I wish I would of gone white to green

They look better as separate pieces

This next picture I love! But the necklace broke! I'm still learning.

I had to re-do a majority of my pieces, my clasps were not on properly. Live and learn. 

That's my hair, looks so shiny! Sunny days in L.A.

I made this for my husband's birthday. It's a box I made into a door? lol what is this. 

Our kids collected the leaves and painted them by using watercolors.

Why paint leaves? 'Cus kids need creativity. Collecting leaves, picking the best ones and then making them their own. I'm sure nature approves. It lives with us.

I tied it up with a ribbon, added pipe cleaners as a door knocker, tiny branches as door handles and it looked like a little house 

(I'm a dork)

 

Helder & Co. (4/1/10 3:31pm (edit:5/15/21))

The time and place of all is never what we think.

We look to space.
We transform Earth.
We destroy the human race.

At times, I too think, things are not as they were told.

I listen to the sound from the news.
I try to not take it all in.
Not to cry.

But

Why is it that a kid can be killed and there's no crime?
The death of people in certain circumstances crush my spirit.

Why are we all here, if not to save those who die...
I believe. 

But

Is faith what we have coming; to those who choose to hurt you?

Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Some walk with faith, some choose another path, still they die, and flowers are left to pass.
Others are never found, or found too late, do you listen to the sounds that their crying makes?

I think you do, but there's so much to get done, only superheroes could be the one.

Is that why we make up stories?
To pretend that we can?
To combat... the heartache...

Tomorrow is another day.
The truth might be uncovered.
Or the truth might be revealed as we look to the sky.
...Could it be...I just can't make it?

Is it that I am weak?

I smile at love...it brings me back.
If only there was more of it...
If only they'd come back.

Working on feeling happier (Self Reflection update, 'cus, honesty)

No one is expected to be perfect, or always get things right. I cannot always expect myself to be good at being a Mom. When things go epically wrong, I succumb to by thoughts, my feelings. It makes me question all the hard work, the medication, the tears. I have put everything out there, into the ether. I have spoken of pain I would never had. And sometimes it feels like the change and effort haven't changed me. That feeling of not doing enough, or being good enough is overwhelming. I feel like a failure. 

My son upset me today. He lied, something we've spoken about. When I asked him if he was lying he began to cry, then made such a big deal over me holding his chin. I was trying to be kind, to tell him to speak to me. He started screaming, saying I was hurting him. I was not. I had to walk away and assess the situation. 

I wish I would have done more. Drank some water, started writing....but with my little one wanting me too, it was so hard to detach. So hard to stay quiet. I yelled, I wanted him to snap out of whatever he was feeling, but that only made it worse, made him cry. Made me mad. 

I've had great days, filled with control and the ability to ignore and walk away. But perhaps it had already been too many days, perhaps I had already walked away too many times. My husband is a sweet man, but he doesn't discipline, and if he does, it is for the moment. It's frustrating because I'm tired of falling into old patters. I want my son to know that lying is not acceptable and that he's expected to speak about his feelings, not cry and scream. I want to be happy in my life, and sometimes my son's behavior and my husbands happy-go-lucky way clash with me and I just feel sad, alone and angry.

Days like today would spiral me into depressive thoughts and actions. I feel extremely frustrated, but I am writing, and I know that is the right direction. 

I hope you have a great day, full of reflection and happy thoughts,

-Kat

Speaking of reflection:

I reread what I wrote today and agreed with it. I was going to erase some things, but it's raw truth. I changed the title of the blog because I want to "keep it positive" around here. I say that at home, so I've gotta live it, too. The former title was 'I wish I was happier' (in case you are curious). I am happy, I can't let the depressive thoughts overshadow what I always have: Love, kindness and my family.  I am working on my happiness <3

We are also working on how we parent. It will take time. It will take practice.  

I had to take a look at my period calendar and sure enough today is the 13th day before my period! TF! PMDD still around to fluff things up! I have documented this pattern for at least one year: Getting very upset on the 13th day before my period. The feelings of sadness and depression carrying over for days sometimes. I noticed the same pattern last month, and was hopeful that with a dosage change to my medication (prescribed by my doctor) it would not feel how it did today (small things making me upset). Being angry every month for a few days and then acting like a normal human being the other days can be super confusing to anyone. Let alone children. It just isn't fair for the fam. My plan is to email my doctor and ask for advice. I like my medication, but on days like today I need more help. Sad to say, but also honest. Can't hide from it. 

Games & Crafts (card games, board games and magic)

 

I know not all mother in laws are awesome. Mine is kinda cool, she can say things that trip me out from time to time, but I'm learning to speak up more about things she says that I may not agree with, but over all we have a good relationship filled with mutual respect. Bless her heart, she always struggles to give gifts, she called me the day of my son's 7th birthday worried she'd get the wrong gift. I made suggestions but she wasn't keen on any. So, as a last resort, I suggested a gift card, "$20, or less," I said. 

She got him a $50 Target gift card. So given Covid times, I told my son to go through the Target site and find some games and/or activities he'd like to buy. 

These are the top 3 picks he (honestly WE ALL) most enjoyed! 

Model Magic 

Yes! Fun times, creativity, and under $8 for a starter pack. I would recommend getting a tub of Play-Doh or two for kids 3 and under. They want to smash and squish and can also eventually sculpt something out of Play-Doh. 

My son really enjoyed using model magic! I often go to YouTube and put on tutorials about what ever we are to play with, so we all become familiar together. I found easy tutorials we could follow along, not too long, under 6 minutes is good. He made several figurines and told me he wants to get a larger started pack for next time. 

I suggested we purchase some pins so we could glue on some figures to them and rock 'em on our clothes! Some art teachers do prefer to purchase white Model Magic and add color to the Model Magic using non toxic markers like Crayola or CraZart. You can find those tutorials on YouTube, too!

No Stress Chess (7+)

My son has been interested in learning to play chess since he was five. He would play the computer on our Mac but since I had no clue how to play, it was not something we enjoyed together. His dad knows way more about chess and he really tried to teach our son about the game. 

Well! Let me tell you some exciting news!! I know what a Rook is! lol, I learned how to play chess! I learned in 4 lessons, and feel confident enough to play chess with a few cheat cheats (cards come with the game to tell you each move). 

No Stress Chess in an awesome board game that even experienced players will find interesting. 

I recommend it for disciplined (that sit and find interest in things that take time to be explained) 6 year olds and up, you may get some tears if they loose, but it's history! This game is fun, and helps you to understand the game as you gain the confidence to move on to the next level. My son feels like a confident chess player. Since playing, he has won or drawn games on his chess app and on our MAC. Dope game. 

Uno Flip

Lastly, we've been super duper into UNO Flip. It can make young ones frustrated due to the amount of cards you may end up collecting. My son has become frustrated with loosing and getting +5 cards in a row, but he is maturing with each game. The premise is the cards come in both dark and light colors. Light are the original Uno cards and the dark side or the flip is the harder version of Uno. It's a unique twist on a loved game. It's affordable, and it's fun! At home we have UNO flip, standard Uno and Uno Showdown. Of the three, UNO Flip and the original Uno are the best. 

I hope you have games and activities you enjoy. If you don't, I promise these activities won't disappoint. 

Have a wonderful day!! 

Full of fun and play!

-Kathy 

 Not sponsored by any of the mentioned games or activities, honest reviews, always. 

Racism and my day (cussing, soooo, you know...)

Racism is sickening. No matter how much you try to see over that and search for the human under the grotesque ideals, they prove they are just stuck in their shit mentality. 

The way people throw ugly words around and expect others to listen is wrong and disgusting. Fine! "That's their opinion" BUT that does not mean others need to be subjugated to disrespect. Hurling hate is disrespectful to everyone. We can no longer stand by our kin or anyone else being hateful. I won't allow a loved one to use hateful words in a way they see as common or justified. 

This world is evolving. This world is filled with people. Good, bad. Fucking people. We have skin color, deal the fuck with it. Learn to look beyond that and open your heart to love. Love is blind...

Today was a great day, until someone turned love into hate. 

Well, I put him in his place! I am his big sister! What I say fucking matters!

 

Love & deep breaths, 

Kat

Feeling goooood

 Hello, 

Happy Sunday!

Today, I am drinking Margaritas and hanging out with my family. I am not a heavy drinker, but I used to be. I was an obnoxious drinker. A crier, a yeller, just dumb. So I've cut back a whole lot over the years. But today, baby I'm lettin' loose and getting bloated ('cus, damn I feel like I'm gaining some pounds). But, you know what, that's what Monday's are for. I'll get more active tomorrow.  I'm not acting as dumb, lol, life has changed me so much (sniffle). 

Today, I made breakfast, washed a ton of dishes, showered the kids, and got a little tipsy. Life feels good af right now. 

It has also been an amorous weekend. 

Sex is not something I crave, most likely because I am always beating myself up about my shit behavior. Just unkind towards the smallest things. I'm looking forward to freedom to feel sexual, sensual, just plain hot. To feel comfortable in my body. I have had two babies and gained too much weight, but have worked hard at getting to a body shape that feels good to me. It's about the scale, yes, but it's also about how I feel with that sexy dress on, or that baby doll I want to use. 

Anyway, it's been a hot, productive, loving weekend. I'll typically have this feeling and then shit on it, but I am so hopeful that this will be a trend in my life; where I can just feel like I am in control of my emotions, the sex and most importantly, my life! 

On a side note,  I forgot to take my psychiatric meds last night! That's how I got my two kids!! LOL (uuufff) but I'll get back on track tonight. It was a fun filled evening and I wouldn't take it back for the world. My family is here for me, and that is the best feeling in the whole wide world. And something I often took for granted. 

Have a wonderful start to your week!

Love, always, 

Kathy 

2021 Kids Baking Challenge on Food Network: teaches young children resilience and problem solving skills

I love to watch cooking and baking shows :) One of my favorites to watch is the Kids Baking Challenge (KBC) on  FOOD NETWORK. It's an enjoyable time for the entire family. This year, parents are invited back stage. This is different from any other year, parents pop in to offer commentary and unique insight on their children. It's fun to see parents worry about their kids' baking and them having no control over it (muahhh hahah).

I find this show can teach children from the mistakes and the resiliency in other children. They'll see kids problem solve situations without parental or other grown up help. They'll see kids loose and the healthy ways they cope with their losses and the supportive roles their parents or guardians play. 

The hour you can share with your family watching this program can become a valuable way to see how your child would deal in tough situations. Or perhaps find out if they find baking fun and something they might like to try. It may be in order to bake a cake or brownies with the whole family. It does not have to be from scratch, a box mix is better than no mix at all. 

If you have cable, then finding up to date KBC episodes may be easy. But if you use YouTube TV or other providers, then it may not be. SOOO download the FOOD NETWORK GO App and find your provider by typing YouTube TV (or whomever else you use) in the search bar. Search for KBC and you will get the newest episodes (AHHHH: FAN GIRLING). 

I hope you enjoy!

-Kathy 

 *not a sponsorship :(