Guys, we did it.
I patiently waited for my therapists phone call, it was 1:07pm and I was getting nervous. My kids were using phones & watching a movie, I spoke to my oldest and told him to help me out and keep sister busy. He really helped.
Elsa, my therapist, and I always begin with the outcome scores of my two week assessment. I get asked question in a survey and I answer based on my mood and the events that occurred during those two weeks.
She was glad to tell me all the scores were green. Big improvement. It has been. Over the last 3-4 therapy sessions I had been scoring in ranges that showed I was not suicidal, depressed or anxious. By then I had been taking a second medication, Buspirone for roughly two months. (The first two weeks I started Buspirone I became angry. I had road rage which Lexapro had helped me with. I was feeling worried about the Buspirone. I did not want to feel uncontrollable anger, but I also knew that it would take longer than two weeks for the medication to take full effect). I am glad I waited and was patient with the process. I know things are fluid, you just never know how emotions will strike with Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD) but I feel I have reached a happy place in my medication.
She asked me if there was something I wanted to share with her. I told her about the conversations I had with my dad and brother. She was kind and listened and asked questions that helped me to reflect on the conversations I had with my family members. I called my brother a narcissist. Something I had never labeled him as before. I heard so much of my mother in his taunts.
Elsa told me I had every right to be angry. I was not in charge of my mother's feelings. I don't live with them anymore. She said I was able to see them and myself, without the interconnectedness of feelings.
My brother taunted me because he sees me as my past. He wants to pull from that past manipulation to trap me in emotional control.
Not going to happen.
Elsa and I then got to the business of building a plan for the future. I checked off boxes on a paper I printed from her email. That little paper was going to help maintain all the work I've done.
The checklist helped me see myself doing things that make me feel good, like playing with my kids, getting ready for the day, cooking. And boxes that helped me see myself doing things when getting upset: withdrawn, angry, crying, And boxes for things I can do when I am getting mad: take a walk, aromatherapy, take a break, read. It's more intricate than this, but this tool is valuable, and I am thankful it's my graduation papers.
One part I had trouble filling out was who I can speak to during a difficult time. My dear cousin came to mind, but no one else. My husband is busy, I understand he needs a break from my emotions. I have to learn who I can rely on and who I can't. With all my love I can say this is a good thing (Him and I did go over the paper and he we had a good conversation about it. He was happy I shared it with him). When I was at my saddest points, I would google how I felt and often found stories of people that felt like I did, and were able to convey to me that it would get better. Seeking help was a great place to start to heal. I also found bible verses that helped me connect with myself and stopped my tears from flowing more than once. I added those to the list of resources I can seek when things are getting difficult.
I wonder how many graduation's she's had. I hope she knows I'll never forget her. She changed my life. Just by listening, being honest. She ripped a few Band-Aids off that made me think long and hard about myself. Just who I was, and why I was so darn defensive all the time.
This entire journey makes me self aware as heck. But in a good way. It brings me comfort to speak to myself in a reassuring manner, in a way that make me feel safe, and not angry and guarded.
I am so thankful.