I got a text around 8:00pm. It said, "You refused the gifts"
My response was to laugh, and to think, like damn from the 5 min. conversation I had with my dad earlier, that's all the insight you got?
Earlier today my phone rings, I look and it says 'Dad'. I hesitate to pick it up. But I do it, it finally happened, a phone call from one of my parents.
Me: Hi Dad
Dad: Hi, Merry Christmas
Me: Merry Christmas
Dad: Look, I'm going to drop off some gifts at your house (never asking, just telling me, I'm doing this, he was in his car, calling me.)
Me: (Pauses, breathes heavily)
Me: No. I can't take them. I want to talk to you and mom, first. I want to have a conversation. I can't take the gifts.
Dad: (Silence)
Dad: No one is coming with me. It's fine.
Me: (Disappointed: what can't he understand? I want to sit and talk)
Me: No.
Dad: She doesn't want to talk to you either. She is not coming.
Me: But why is she mad? I wanted to tell her I've been sick. To share with her that I wanted to kill myself. But that I've been in therapy. She doesn't want to hear me.
Dad: (Pause)
Me: I am not trying to not take your gifts to make you feel bad, I just want to talk to both of you, first.
Dad: Well, then. If that's how you feel. Ok, then...Bye.
Me: (Feels sad, but also proud, because they have often used gifts in ways I found manipulative, things even my husband noticed early on)
...
Hours later, my brother texts me about refusing the gifts. I laughed. I was surprised that was all that came out of the conversation I had with my dad.
He then proceeds to text me again.
He was so harsh. He called me stupid, that I have a high school mentality. Called us grown ass woman who need to act some sort of way to appease him.
I called him. I couldn't text fast enough to show my anger.
He started to taunt me, "Don't start crying." I was so mad. I was crying. I was mad! That is the energy I am trying to escape. I deserve to be treated better. I don't understand why I am not enough for them. I can't take gifts for my kids, I can't act like our whole family dynamic isn't way off.
I text my brother this morning. Last night I told him he needed to apologize to me. I told him I was not going to speak to him again if he didn't. His attitude and assumption were why I was already so distant. WTF was his problem?!
He didn't apologize. I hung up. But this morning I was feelin so frustrated in him treating me so nasty. Last night he said I was still depressed, and that I felt like shit because I wasn't speaking to my mom.
I needed to change his narrative.
It's not like that. I don't mind not speaking to her. I don't mind not having a relationship with her. It was always superficial. From my mom, dad and brothers.
They don't care to know me, the good and the bad that is me. What if the bad was more than the good happening in my life? Am I supposed to hide that from those I love?
He apologized for last night. I acknowledge he doesn't want to see his family sad or hurt.
The way he went about it, though, was classic narcissist. Well learned from the manipulation going on within his house. I may feel good, but I know my mother feels bad. Then, why not just confront the problem? Hearing facts can be hard. But I think the bigger torture is whatever thoughts are filling her head. Why not just hear me out, and get things off her own chest?
They all treat me like I was that frustrated 25 year old that left their house. Or better yet, that 15 year old, hurt by her mother's words. Or that 20 year old, crying at church, sobbing because I would rather die than continue to be treated like I was unworthy of love.
Things change. People can become a better version of themselves. Why not meet her?
I am worthy.
Thanks for reading <3