No one is expected to be perfect, or always get things right. I cannot always expect myself to be good at being a Mom. When things go epically wrong, I succumb to by thoughts, my feelings. It makes me question all the hard work, the medication, the tears. I have put everything out there, into the ether. I have spoken of pain I would never had. And sometimes it feels like the change and effort haven't changed me. That feeling of not doing enough, or being good enough is overwhelming. I feel like a failure.
My son upset me today. He lied, something we've spoken about. When I asked him if he was lying he began to cry, then made such a big deal over me holding his chin. I was trying to be kind, to tell him to speak to me. He started screaming, saying I was hurting him. I was not. I had to walk away and assess the situation.
I wish I would have done more. Drank some water, started writing....but with my little one wanting me too, it was so hard to detach. So hard to stay quiet. I yelled, I wanted him to snap out of whatever he was feeling, but that only made it worse, made him cry. Made me mad.
I've had great days, filled with control and the ability to ignore and walk away. But perhaps it had already been too many days, perhaps I had already walked away too many times. My husband is a sweet man, but he doesn't discipline, and if he does, it is for the moment. It's frustrating because I'm tired of falling into old patters. I want my son to know that lying is not acceptable and that he's expected to speak about his feelings, not cry and scream. I want to be happy in my life, and sometimes my son's behavior and my husbands happy-go-lucky way clash with me and I just feel sad, alone and angry.
Days like today would spiral me into depressive thoughts and actions. I feel extremely frustrated, but I am writing, and I know that is the right direction.
I hope you have a great day, full of reflection and happy thoughts,
-Kat
Speaking of reflection:
I reread what I wrote today and agreed with it. I was going to erase some things, but it's raw truth. I changed the title of the blog because I want to "keep it positive" around here. I say that at home, so I've gotta live it, too. The former title was 'I wish I was happier' (in case you are curious). I am happy, I can't let the depressive thoughts overshadow what I always have: Love, kindness and my family. I am working on my happiness <3
We are also working on how we parent. It will take time. It will take practice.
I had to take a look at my period calendar and sure enough today is the 13th day before my period! TF! PMDD still around to fluff things up! I have documented this pattern for at least one year: Getting very upset on the 13th day before my period. The feelings of sadness and depression carrying over for days sometimes. I noticed the same pattern last month, and was hopeful that with a dosage change to my medication (prescribed by my doctor) it would not feel how it did today (small things making me upset). Being angry every month for a few days and then acting like a normal human being the other days can be super confusing to anyone. Let alone children. It just isn't fair for the fam. My plan is to email my doctor and ask for advice. I like my medication, but on days like today I need more help. Sad to say, but also honest. Can't hide from it.