One week post PMDD episode

Happy Monday!

My husband made twitch affiliate this week! He streams weekly on Twitch and has made friends and has a community rallying around him. 

I compare myself to that, and the reflection is completely opposite from him. He works, and is now making passive income. I tried but failed. I don't have friends, or a job outside of home. 

I saw a chiropractor last week, he asked me if I worked, I said, "I am a stay at home mom." He looked at me and said, "OK, not working." 

When I read that Blogger basically said my writing wasn't up to their standards, and that I don't have enough readers...I thought to myself, they are are right!

So I went on Indeed and looked for a job. A job that allows me to work nights and be a mom during the day. I'm still searching. 

personal failure + PMDD feels lonely. 

One week ago it felt like all my personal changes amounted to nothing. 

My last PMDD episode left me in a mental state filled with anxiety. I feel like I am failing at this human thing again. I didn't ever want to be here again, and yet I am. 

I'm trying to find ways to fill my time.

I brought out my jewelry making things. 

The world turns, and I with it. 

I hope you have a productive Monday :)

kat

Therapy and Me - 5 or MIND OVER MOOD

4/26/21

I have a phone appointment with my therapist today. Silver lining....that I can speak to her just a few days after my PMDD episode. I wanted to cancel, but I'm sticking to it.  Emotions are something I don't want to feel tooo heightened. It hurts to feel. 

4/28/21

I take an intake survey before each therapy session, my scores were low. It reflected the rough last week I've had. 

Two weeks ago Elsa and I spoke about writing, I intentionally asked if I should write the bad too, she said yes. 

Turns out that writing isn't the right tool for me, at least not just writing what is on my mind. My thoughts can be toxic and bring me to a depressive state. Instead, she suggested I write about topics, good things, or do other activities. I need to stop focusing on all the bad things that my mind wants me to focus on. Elsa gave me a list of things to use as tools to give my mood a break, to break the hold it has on my brain. I made nature artwork as a gift for my husband's birthday. I'll take pictures when he opens it. 

The BIG takeaway this week is:

MIND OVER MOOD - I need to take control of how I feel, and thus need to take control of what I do. This is hard, but I need to take inventory of my home, my lifestyle. Staying in a positive headspace is not enough, I have to actively seek ways to release the energy and make space for me. 

Thanks for reading :)

A list of things to try during a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

Just took a shower. Washed my face. Shaved around my eyebrows to give them some sort of shape. Small Victories, you know?

I was thinking about the past two days. Looking at where I could have done more to help myself.

I noticed I sang today. I sing a lot, more than I should, since I can't sing. Jazzy turns to me and says, "I love your song." That felt good. Felt like me.  

A list of things I can do:

*Writing: Just write. Take a moment to take was is inside of your head, out. (Update) But if your writing is negative, stop. Try something else, we'll learn new ways to express ourselves together. If you find writing helpful, please write...Give yourself time to re-read what you wrote. Look at the difference in your mind set, from one day to the next. You are not your thoughts...I need a permanent place for my laptop. Thinking of turning on a laptop to write my feelings isn't something that comes easily with a set up. I did write in my journal. The words were sad, mean and dreadful to read back. I know I don't want that aspect of my PMDD, the constant negative talk. It takes me to a mindset of me against everyone, even myself. Nothing but my anger shows.

*Music: Music is love. The feel good, the rhythm, escape. I've shared some songs bellow.

*Breathing: Take in a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, and release it for 4 seconds. Focus on your breathing to allow yourself to focus on something else...This part I need to implement into my day to day life. Maybe then when things go wrong it feels natural and not forced. I need to give breathing time.

*Help: Asking for it. This can be hard. It took me years to ask for help, I had to change doctors and spiraled into PMDD episodes monthly, 13 days before my period, like clockwork. I had to get to work charting my periods, I'll share the apps I use in another post. Please speak to a doctor, your significant other. PMDD can become a lonely, awful place. 

Time: Walk away, breath...For me, this can be rough, being alone can spiral me into deeper depression. Before medication I would go to my room, sit on the floor and cry and feel unable to shake it. With medication, I spent less time alone during my episode. That is an improvement. 

Bill Withers - Lovely Day

Johnny Nash - Can See Clearly Now

Paul McCartney and Wings - Jet

Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney - Say, Say, Say

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Emailing my doctor after a PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) episode

4/20/21

I emailed my doctor.. 

Even now, as I type, I am deep in the recesses of my brain. 

I am deep in my feelings. 

I wish my feelings were at peace. 

4/21/21

My doctor got back to me. I am one of many. I get it. 

Their response was nice. It's hardly ever the case that only one set of eyes get to see my doctor notes. There are so many layers. So many people. Schedules filled. They were sorry my treatment wasn't working. 

So am I. 

They suggested I up my dosage. I gladly will. I want these uncontrollable feelings to stop. I almost felt human for three months. What is that? Rational comes to mind. The act of being able to stop. To think, see the impact of your words and actions and stop! Alas, I can't. It breaks my heart. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is debilitating. It robs me of the freedom to feel without hesitation. My feelings and perceptions can be destructive.

I almost made it all day with out letting the small things bother me. My mate said one wrong thing and I became so upset. I went grocery shopping to clear my head, something impossible the last two days. For me, PMDD comes strong AF AF and decreases as days go by. I hope tomorrow I feel more like myself. Fun, energetic, kind and compassionate. Lovable and calm. 

I hope you are happy, healthy and carefree. Speak your beautiful truth. Rejoice in the small things. My truth isn't always beautiful, but I'm here sharing it in hopes it helps others with PMDD, or at least helps others realize how truly lucky they are in this world. Even with all the bad, I am lucky to express myself. Lucky to want to write. 

What makes you feel lucky in life?

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy <3