I am a mother and former teacher. With some bumps along the way, I have documented my personal journey through post partum depression and currently writing about my life with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).
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Instagram: sun_evue . Twitter: @catsgonuts
Getting help can feel very uncomfortable. Talking to a stranger about your life is overwhelming. I'm finally speaking about things I kept hidden for years. I have dealt with things my own way so I didn't have to be honest. I wouldn't let anyone into my thoughts.
Today, I admitted things that although small, have hindered my life for years.
I am thankful for humans. Humans that care enough about others to help them with their feelings, thoughts and life. I love my fellow humans. We aren't perfect, and some are damn despicable, but the good people on this Earth are amazing people.
This morning, I heard someone speak about spirituality. How we can feel very spiritual, very connected to angels and to God, but at the same time we lack the tools to communicate with humans. That is how I feel on Earth, I don't know what I am doing, having felt like I always got it wrong. I can speak to God anytime, but speaking to others can be quite a challenge.
It turns out it's about perception. Our childhood, living life...We could all be in the same room, yet have a different experience based on the things that happened in our lives. So although things seems easy breezy, they can be hard to digest based on our upbringing and how we have lived life thus far.
I have to turn on my negative thoughts and give ME a chance to grow. I am afraid of anger, but anger is the way I express my frustrations, it's up to me to challenge my perception and have a healthy expectation of the way I express my feelings.
Today, I am drinking Margaritas and hanging out with my family. I am not a heavy drinker, but I used to be. I was an obnoxious drinker. A crier, a yeller, just dumb. So I've cut back a whole lot over the years. But today, baby I'm lettin' loose and getting bloated ('cus, damn I feel like I'm gaining some pounds). But, you know what, that's what Monday's are for. I'll get more active tomorrow. I'm not acting as dumb, lol, life has changed me so much (sniffle).
Today, I made breakfast, washed a ton of dishes, showered the kids, and got a little tipsy. Life feels good af right now.
It has also been an amorous weekend.
Sex is not something I crave, most likely because I am always beating myself up about my shit behavior. Just unkind towards the smallest things. I'm looking forward to freedom to feel sexual, sensual, just plain hot. To feel comfortable in my body. I have had two babies and gained too much weight, but have worked hard at getting to a body shape that feels good to me. It's about the scale, yes, but it's also about how I feel with that sexy dress on, or that baby doll I want to use.
Anyway, it's been a hot, productive, loving weekend. I'll typically have this feeling and then shit on it, but I am so hopeful that this will be a trend in my life; where I can just feel like I am in control of my emotions, the sex and most importantly, my life!
On a side note, I forgot to take my psychiatric meds last night! That's how I got my two kids!! LOL (uuufff) but I'll get back on track tonight. It was a fun filled evening and I wouldn't take it back for the world. My family is here for me, and that is the best feeling in the whole wide world. And something I often took for granted.
One of the strategies that helped me yesterday was to change my environment. I was stressing out about breakfast and having a teething three who was also hungry for food. Jazzy was making me feel angry. She has this beautiful way about her. She smiles and I melt. But I was becoming overstimulated by list of things I needed to do and the deadlines I was giving myself.
I sent her to her toys, she was upset, but I went around my house, pink 10 year old bathrobe on, loose hair, full of loose curls and I opened all the doors, and cracked opened our windows. I let the sunshine in. It helped me take a deep breath and enjoy...life.
I was able to overcome that instance of frustration. I was able to take one thing at a time. Put her in a high chair, give her toys, finish breakfast, get my son ready for zoom.
I can't control others. I have to go with it and find ways to distract myself from what made me feel physically upset. Yelling is a harsh reality , it's not OK. I was like two personalities and them not knowing when I'd be upset. Who the heck wants to live that way. Not I. Not them.
So if you can, take a minute to open up your curtains, open up your doors and enjoy nature.
Yesterday was a tough day. I looked for another word besides tough and that's the one I'm sticking with. I fought anger yesterday.
I feel anger in my chest. The familiar feeling is daunting. It's a trap. And why I step into it, I'm still working through.
I did my breathing exercises. I took time to change my surroundings, but the feeling I had was ever present.
I had things on my plate yesterday, laundry, a video appointment with my doctor and my two kids. I felt like I was doing too much. Doing all the work. The ego goes about this dance of why I do more. Everyone is doing their part. Working hard towards their individual goals.
The anxiety of trying to get the timing down and watching it all fall apart was also frustration inducing.
I wish I could tell you I fought and won.
But, it was more of a draw.
I got mad, I sounded mad, and probably shouted a few times. It was a feeling of getting angry but not jumping over the edge. My edge between rational and too emotionally frustrated.
I took inventory of the things that were making me feel angry.
Do you want a list? Why rehash, but I said I needed help. I can't do this alone, again, the kids, the chores, the food, damn, I made a list.
Ugh, whatever, point is, I said my frustrations without the anger, no shouting, just me asking for help because my fear is ME falling apart again.
I can't take that again. Just the thought of being sad takes me to low points, I don't want to see me fall apart, in a shadow, all alone.
Today, the day after, I feel like myself.
Something like yesterday would have taken away my passion, forced me to focus on my body and mind's depleted state from all the feelings. I am so thankful to write today. To feel.
I am afraid to feel. I'm afraid this will burst. But I'm fighting so hard. Meeting my goals. Learning to enjoy MY life.
Something I'm getting accustomed to is not letting small things make me mad. I look at situations from my depressed, angry, sometimes manic self and now get to see them through different eyes. It's strange, some things don't elicit much reaction. They never should have. But a month ago small things would drive me crazy. Make me cry. Made it tough on my kids.
It has been about two weeks of using medication to treat my PMDD (PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). I feel almost like I would the week after my period. Ready to tackle things, feel creative. There have been side effects, but to feel in control is such a good feeling. I know more time is needed, but, for now, I feel good.
Last week I took a How to Manage Stress class online. One of the takeaways was to take time to enjoy the small things, even the "chores."
They used to be CHORES! for me.
But now they are chores, I can take the negativity out of the thought by making that a time to relax. For example, during washing dishes I can feel the soap through my fingers, listen to the water fall, dripping thought the dishes. I can buy soaps with scents I enjoy, like cranberry, rose, green apple...I can think of things I like, things I need to improve, goals and achievements.
Changing a mindset can be easy, you buy your scents, get some new dishes and a new drying rack and bam, let's go, chores can be fun.
But for me it took more than that. It took speaking to professionals. It took opening up to strangers about a reality I held hidden, tucked away in the depths of what I perceived as shame.
I just needed help.
I grew some balls and asked for help. I was honest and it has been the best thing to happen in many years.
Either way though, it can be done and we can see things, say things in a kinder way.
To breath deeply in and with pursed lips let it out.
The out should be longer than your breath in, listen to your breath leave your mouth, relaxing your body after each time.
Mindfully,
thoughtfully,
do this five times (~1min).
~
Finding a quiet spaces can be tough, I've opened the fridge and taken a moment there. The restroom works, too. Take a minute to let go of what is taking up too much time, either physically, mentally, or is making you feel uncomfortable.
~
If, like me, your pattern is to NOT listen to your own voice of reason, hun, you must! Stop any behaviors that you know are unhealthy and make a mindful and thoughtful change in your life. If you are unable to, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Seek a trusted friend, adult, loved one, doctor...someone will really listen if any other does not.
I was iffy about planking tonight. But, I went for it. I turned on the news on my phone. I put a 1 minute, two second timer on my watch and got into position. I amazed myself, I made a full minute. I started to shake a the 40 second mark, but I held on. I did one more, one minute plank, and took a break, and then, did another. My form was not as good, so I should have stopped there. I tried again but lasted only a few seconds, not worth getting hurt. But I did it, and I can't wait to feel good about that tomorrow. I hope you are joining along.
Have a great day!
Kat
*The Beautiful picture is not of me. I have not removed the credit, but I did adjust the picture.
Today is my first therapy session. I am nervous! I can't really believe I am here, at this moment.
It can be so incredibly hard to admit there is something wrong with you, within you. The burden I have is something you can't see and for some people it is difficult to understand.
I wish I could turn back time. Go back to high school, sometimes. Being an only daughter with a difficult mother-daughter relationship made it difficult to become a woman. Made it difficult to ask for help, or feel worthy. I don't blame my mother now, but for years I did. I had to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin, by myself. If I knew then what I know now, I'd be happier. I'd try harder. Leave earlier.
But you can't, so all I can do is find solutions that will help me a better mother to my children. To be there for them when they need me the most, and not make them feel like they aren't worthy of my time.
...
Session one went well. I've never spoken to someone outside of my life about my thoughts, feelings and family. It was interesting to hear her repeat what I said, in a way that made me reflect on my mother and my relationship towards depression. How easy it can be to fall back on what feels expected, natural.
It isn't easy to speak about this now, but I don't feel worse, and that feels real good.
I love to watch cooking and baking shows :) One of my favorites to watch is the Kids Baking Challenge (KBC) on FOOD NETWORK. It's an enjoyable time for the entire family. This year, parents are invited back stage. This is different from any other year, parents pop in to offer commentary and unique insight on their children. It's fun to see parents worry about their kids' baking and them having no control over it (muahhh hahah).
I find this show can teach children from the mistakes and the resiliency in other children. They'll see kids problem solve situations without parental or other grown up help. They'll see kids loose and the healthy ways they cope with their losses and the supportive roles their parents or guardians play.
The hour you can share with your family watching this program can become a valuable way to see how your child would deal in tough situations. Or perhaps find out if they find baking fun and something they might like to try. It may be in order to bake a cake or brownies with the whole family. It does not have to be from scratch, a box mix is better than no mix at all.
If you have cable, then finding up to date KBC episodes may be easy. But if you use YouTube TV or other providers, then it may not be. SOOO download the FOOD NETWORK GO App and find your provider by typing YouTube TV (or whomever else you use) in the search bar. Search for KBC and you will get the newest episodes (AHHHH: FAN GIRLING).
