Triggered Mild PMDD Episode

When I first started medication, I had honeymoon phase with Lexapro, therapy and my whole existence. 

It felt different. I felt different. I felt a calmness I hadn't felt before. My mind was calm and quiet.

Reality is raw. 

Setbacks are too real. 

Seeing things as better than they were a year ago, is non existent during my PMDD reality. 

It's just the here and now. 

The feelings of the now. 

I emailed my doctor before this post. I had a mild episode of PMDD. I struggled with the email. Should I ask for more medicine? Should we just start over? It feels like that, anyway. This month has been a struggle to feel happy. 

My daughter dropped all of my jewelry beads and it triggered intense feelings of sadness, anger, & frustration. I mean, we made it to Friday, like, feeling OK and struggling through it, but the beads falling just pushed me over this invisible cliff. I felt like I'm always putting everyone else first, why can't they just wait, be patient, give me space! The shit I ask of children. I hate myself at times. Rationality is lacking sometimes.

I cried, I  yelled. I felt so damn powerless. Why can't they respect me and listen to me when I ask them to wait!! That bull rearing its head, ready to attack! My husband. I don't think he understands the severity of PMDD. I don't blame him, not, but at the time, I kind of do. An innocent bystander. uuufff.

Feeling better right now. Wanting to organize my beads and finish my piece. 

God, thank you. Thank you for this. It has to be for something. I pray. 

Making jewelry: hobbies in the aftermath of a PMDD episode

I had not made jewelry in well over three years. I am glad I found my jewelry making things. I learned that I had all the tools to make jewelry then. It made it seamless to pick up where I had left off. I made three more pieces last night, that I hope to show you all soon. They are all one of one.

 I showed my cousin and he said his wife and daughter would loved them. I am sending them off to them soon. I am proud & Thankful. 

 

Depression and Postpartum thoughts

 I struggle to figure out who might relate to emotional numbness. 

I think my postpartum depression ladies might relate. 

Your family could be the  most awesome group of people, but the numbness creates a barrier between you and them. 

I was speaking to my husband about this. How powerless I feel about my feelings. 

It's hard to find passion in things. To say I love you and deep down inside not question it. I question if I belong in that space to even utter those words. 

Anger is something I also can't wholly control. It feels like anger comes in like a bull in a pen, ready to just you, GO! It takes a hold that sucks me into depression and anger. 

Escitalopram Or generic Lexapro has helped. My emotions are less explosive, but things are still triggering. I believe my family could help around the house more and alleviate some of the stress I feel. My son could be more willing to go with the flow. My daughter is growing up and becoming more and more independent. I love that, but I am so frustrated by my son's immaturity that hers is just difficult to enjoy. 

...

I want to be loved, I deserve love. I give it abundantly and deserve it in return; with no strings attached.

Depression does not allow me to see love. It asks me to see the world through a lens set on the past, looking into the future. I allow my whirlwind of thoughts to penetrate the future with a fury. 

I am asked to take a step back, assess, and I am working on that. Depression and sadness come too easy for me to detach. Writing, cooking and other activities seem too much. I can't pick them up. I ask myself what I want to do and get sadness in return. 

But honey, I can't stay there. I can't dwell there any longer. I have to understand that I have those thoughts, but they are thoughts, I have to fill the void with something that let's me see past my pain. My doctor suggested I purchase a coloring book for adults. I've always hated on those. But at this point bring it on.

Postpartum cannot eradicate the years of not having depression! The years filled with depression cannot eradicate the renewed sense of changing things around. 

Dammit, I will not allow my world to dictate my life, or my mind to dictate my body. There have been setbacks. The worst I have had in four months, but I am overcoming it. I spoke up. I asked for help. 

It ain't pretty, it ain't over, and there may be more steps back, but I can't give up on me.

I am a human being on Earth, before I am a woman, a mother, or a wife. 

I am a being here for some reason and have to make the most of this. 

I have to make this one count!

-Kathy 

Wedding Stories

I worked with a veteran teacher for less than a year. She was pregnant and took maternity leave. I was  a first year teacher, but strong willed. We worked well together. Whatever she implemented I also incorporated into my class, almost seamlessly.

So speed up to the following year and she gets married. She tells me she can't invite me to her wedding because of I don't know what. Which I was fine with. We hardly worked together, and there is a difference between professional and personal friendships. 

The next year, I am getting ready to get married! She chats me up about MY wedding. Tells me I need to invite her to the wedding. I'm like, OK. And walk away. 

I didn't invite her. She didn't invite me. Like I have no obligation to anyone. 

So the following week I am back. She asks to look at my wedding ring, and you know what her petty ass says, "It's so small." 

"Give me back my hand!" Is what I should of said. I love my ring. It's my ring. She tried to deflect by saying she needed a big ring 'cus of her big hands. 

They are kind of big. 

Also, hardly anyone tried the wedding cake I brought to work. OK someone did, but she was also a bridesmaid! LOL I loved my coworkers, but I also don't think anyone needed to get their feelings hurt because they were not invited. 

....

Ok lol I have a bonus wedding story. 

For a long time I had an awesome group of friends, but truthfully they were friends for YEARS before I showed up. They were kind enough to welcome me in (we lost touch because I was spiraling with PMDD). 

Anyway, there was one friend, who was nice to me, but I just couldn't figure out. Was she really nice or not? Her vibe was hard to decipher. We hardly saw each other, so it was all good. She gets married, doesn't invite me. Again, all good. 

Fast forward to me getting married and she tells me, "You better invite me to your wedding." Lol like "Yeah, OK." And walk the fuck away. 

Why do women feel like they can talk to others like that. I felt that was rude, and unnecessary. Isn't it up to the bride and groom to come up with the guests list? Real money goes into a wedding, we ain't got time to appease complexes. 

You might ask, what if you see them again? What if I do? I'm still going to be kind, and sweet as always. It is not a diss to not invite you, it may just be economics, not a popularity game. 

Don't mistake kindness and good vibes for weakness. Some of us walk this path with love before hate or fear. So when women try to tell me what to do, often veiled by a laugh, I just smile and walk away. 

I.don't.have.the.time. 

or maybe it's

I.don't.make.the.time. 

Helder & Co. (4/1/10 3:31pm (edit:5/15/21))

The time and place of all is never what we think.

We look to space.
We transform Earth.
We destroy the human race.

At times, I too think, things are not as they were told.

I listen to the sound from the news.
I try to not take it all in.
Not to cry.

But

Why is it that a kid can be killed and there's no crime?
The death of people in certain circumstances crush my spirit.

Why are we all here, if not to save those who die...
I believe. 

But

Is faith what we have coming; to those who choose to hurt you?

Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Some walk with faith, some choose another path, still they die, and flowers are left to pass.
Others are never found, or found too late, do you listen to the sounds that their crying makes?

I think you do, but there's so much to get done, only superheroes could be the one.

Is that why we make up stories?
To pretend that we can?
To combat... the heartache...

Tomorrow is another day.
The truth might be uncovered.
Or the truth might be revealed as we look to the sky.
...Could it be...I just can't make it?

Is it that I am weak?

I smile at love...it brings me back.
If only there was more of it...
If only they'd come back.

Thriving (edited 5/13/21)

 

How can we thrive in the destruction of the chaos?

We become exposed, explode and continue on with creation.

Innocence taken away; innocence turned to anguish eventually bursting to expose.

 

Expose the hate felt deep inside for the loss of a loved one for something they can’t control.

  

To hate another race, amazing, how we continue to fuck up each other’s flow.

Does my destruction make your existence a better fate?

To be hated for what I cannot control...

Lucky the ones that turn that pain into forgiveness and a passion for change.

If we could go back to the time of zero,

And Love each other for what makes us, us.

 

Devine beings. Alive.

 

Like the beauty of the snowflake, nothing is made exactly like us.

Happy Wednesday

 Happy Wednesday, 

Boy am I acting like I don't have stuff to do!!

But I wanted to say hi to you! 

Wish you a happy day!

Love, 

always, 

Kathy

PMDD Therapy Session

Today is two weeks since I spoke to my therapist. I am anxious about the session. I have not looked at any of my doctor's emails. It has been a productive week. I made 4 new jewelry pieces and finished two old ones.  I am trying to be present for my daughter and my son. Making efforts to reach out and touch more. More human touch, than speaking. 

Mother's day I was surprised with a trip to the Residence Inn, L.A. Live. It was an awesome stay. My kids had room to roam and lounge. They had a bubble bath on Friday and Saturday. They were beaming. 

Coming home, we talked  about our home and the noise level in the neighborhood. And, I think we have decided that we need to leave Los Angeles. Noise is getting louder and louder. Our once desolate street has become a freeway at times. We have to decide what life we want to give our kids. The type of education we can offer them. 

By Thursday of last week (today is a Monday) I was feeling more like myself. So it was a struggle ALL mid week, until I felt better. My thoughts were not about me. It's shocking to feel the difference one day to the next. But pills don't take care of everything and it honestly should not be your only fall back plan. Brains are beautifully unpredictable. So, in that, I am cognizant that I have to focus more on means to help me cope when my mind JUST WON'T. 

------I just got off the phone with my therapist. My sessions wont stop. I scored very low, which is high, on Kaiser's suicide scale. I worry I won't be able to overcome the sadness and the negative talk, next time it happens again. I have thoughts of my children being happier without me. Like I am a monster. Perhaps during the episodes I was, but in reality, I am a good person. But PMDD make me wonder. Who am I, but a terrible person? Why would I want to live? 

But those are all depression. Me wanting to stay in a state of painful comfort. Comfort in sadness. Loneliness. Enveloped in black wings. My mind racing to give me no space to think and stop. 

We made a plan. People I can speak to. Things I can do to distract. I texted the people I chose. My husband, cousin and brother. My brother knew I had been seeing a therapist and that I am on medication as well as my negative talk. My cousin knew I had a therapist, but did not know specifics. He's always been so kind to me. Always a lovely human being. He texted back right away he's always there for me, anytime. My husband is someone I don't want to burden with my intrusive, at times, suicidal thoughts, but Elsa said, "Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was going through something?" Of course I would. 

I know they all would. 

-Kathy

Honesty can bring a lot of pain. But I can focus on the good. On reaching out to others and depending on the greater good. It is out there. It can be found in a stranger you've never seen, over the phone, speaking to the soul, to offer comfort, a path to victory and the means to get there. 

17 Days Post PMDD Episode - Generic Lexapro

 Trigger Warning: Please do not read if you have difficulty reading depressive or suicidal posts. Thank YOU!

I only have a few minutes, my son is finishing online school and my daughter is making noise to tell me she is ready to get up and come to the "sala" (living room). 

...

The last 17 days have been extremely difficult. I have had thoughts of wanting to die, for days on end, with hours of repetition. I have cried and begged God to make me understand why the fuck I am alive. The thoughts of "I want to die" and "I hate living" where on repeat. 

Even though I have been speaking to a therapist, it has been difficult to function. If I didn't have any help, I'd still be feeling like I'd be better off dead. I think a rational question is, "Why do you feel this way?" The world, my world, feels too difficult. My neighbors are all mean people. Perhaps they are a reflection of me? Maybe they also have sadness in their lives and it manifests in ways I don't understand.

Just two days ago a man blasted loud music out of his car until 2:30am. In the alley behind our home. I couldn't sleep in my bed. I slept in the couch that night. It just doesn't stop. These dumb chicks start coughing whenever we are outside. It's just dumb people, with no source of life essence. Just doing shit to do shit. 

It feels like I've been shit out of luck my whole fucking life. I hate that about me. All of my emotions roll into one wave. The past, the present and the future collide with such fury within me. It's exhausting. PMDD takes your emotions and heightens them. 

It takes me deep within myself to tell ME why I hate ME so damn much. For fucking hours and days.

I don't understand why God made me, but I know I have good inside. I know I deserve to be happy. For something that is so easily attainable for some people, and for others its a damn struggle you have to work REAL hard at. 

Let's give ourselves the grace to fuck up and get up and run again. 

Day 16, yesterday, came and I felt better. I woke up and I felt different. I woke up with a clear mind. Not a voice telling me to die. I have been taking the generic version of Lexapro since January, and now take 15mg. At times I feel a calmness within my thoughts. Not my voice just being mean. 

I worry about the tomorrow, but I have to be ready. I cannot go back to pain. It hurts to feel. It's so intense. Please stay with me if you feel any of this. Please stay focused on Love. I LOVE YOU! I do, I love with everything I have, for the universe to fee. If you do not feel self love, the, feel the love of others for you. In the moment if feels like the world can move on without you. But the reality is that life could never be the same without you. Your hands, your smile, your hairs all over the place, your love of food and travel. All the little things that make you, you, mean the world to someone. I promise. You were made, by God, or by chance, whatever you feel, because this universe would never be the same without YOU. Your essence makes this universe. 

PMDD does not define US! We must proudly march on in life, and be the generation that freely speaks about depression, anxiety, PMDD...We cannot afford another man, woman or child taking their lives because their minds feel stronger than the world. We cannot allow death to be the only remedy in this beautiful world. 

Breath in with me

...be happy in this moment. You are here! 

Love you, Always,

Kathy 

One week post PMDD episode

Happy Monday!

My husband made twitch affiliate this week! He streams weekly on Twitch and has made friends and has a community rallying around him. 

I compare myself to that, and the reflection is completely opposite from him. He works, and is now making passive income. I tried but failed. I don't have friends, or a job outside of home. 

I saw a chiropractor last week, he asked me if I worked, I said, "I am a stay at home mom." He looked at me and said, "OK, not working." 

When I read that Blogger basically said my writing wasn't up to their standards, and that I don't have enough readers...I thought to myself, they are are right!

So I went on Indeed and looked for a job. A job that allows me to work nights and be a mom during the day. I'm still searching. 

personal failure + PMDD feels lonely. 

One week ago it felt like all my personal changes amounted to nothing. 

My last PMDD episode left me in a mental state filled with anxiety. I feel like I am failing at this human thing again. I didn't ever want to be here again, and yet I am. 

I'm trying to find ways to fill my time.

I brought out my jewelry making things. 

The world turns, and I with it. 

I hope you have a productive Monday :)

kat

Monetizing

I need to work harder at blogging. I'm glad I tried to monetize, it meant a lot to get myself to apply for it. There are requirements to this blogging stuff. I didn't know much about it. Major kudos to those who have the content and following to get their content monetized. I'll try again. 

Thanks for reading