Heyyy 777

 Heyyy! It’s been so long! Life has been incredibly kind. It’s taken time and turmoil and happiness to be here. Gosh, I wish I could say it’s been just peachy, but it hasn’t. It’s been sad and lonely…happy and sad all at the same time.  Many Times I’ve wanted to be anywhere but myself; alive. But thankfully those times come with an understanding that I am working thought my mental health and learning about  Myself. 

I am working, over a year! I got that job at my kids’ elementary school! I’m working towards adding to my teaching credential and eventually going back to teaching! 

On this 7/7/7 day, I send you love and kindness, right to your beautiful heart! What a time to be alive! We are proving who we are each and every day! Are we on the right side or not? I pray & hope you are doing right by you and humanity! We are all one! 

To love, happiness, abundance and prosperity! Cheers!

What was it like?: Turning in a neglected cat

I'm torn. I've thought about this mid sized grey cat for weeks, months. He's been perched outside of a house a block away from mine. We walk by it everyday on our way to school. The cat hardly moved. It was being fed, but it was sick. I knew the homeowners had grown attached to it, there would be cans of cat food in the morning, by the afternoon half eaten cans remained, filled with flies. The cat would eat and go back and perch on a sliver of fence. It rained? The cat stayed. 

It was perched on a half inch fence, a fence only three feet tall. There were places along the small fence that were thicker and once he found those, weeks ago, he stayed there. In the same spot. Throwing up, defecating, same spot, every day. 

It tore me up! My son told me one morning, Mom, is his tummy getting bigger? It was. The cat was in pain. 

I put in a request for animal cruelty yesterday morning. Probably around this same time. I did put the address of the homeowner, I also put in my details. By the afternoon, the cat was not there. I didn't want to think it had already been picked up. It had been 4 hours, max. My worry was that upon the cat's eventual death, it would rot there. It didn't deserve that. A slow, painful, certain death. 

As we turned the corner to come home after school, I told my kids I had decided to contact the city for help with the cat. My kid's talked about how sad it looked. My son reminded me about the big stomach. He touched my shoulder and told me I did the right thing by getting it help. 

This morning was the truth. Had it taken hours to get him help? I'm not naïve. I know they probably will/have put it to death. Did I want that? Never. But did it deserve to humainley leave this Earth and not feel pain? absolutely. 

It wasn't there. The cat was gone. 

It's 8:58am, just an hour after dropping off my kids and I had to write all this down. This is the type of thoughts that cross my mind. The cat, the perching, sadness, relief. 

Little Kitty Cat, 

I love you. 

What was it like?: Saying enough! To a loved one

If you have read my blog, perhaps you have read about my relationship with my youngest brother. 

I don't believe I was a good sister. I could have been nurturing, but I would often choose not to engage. I don't believe I learned how to express love as a young child. So, although I cared about my brother, I would choose my own interests. Our baby sitter would put us against each other. He was not a calm child. So often, I was tasked with taking care of him, and it was hard. I was young, so as soon as I could, I wanted my own time. 

Did we have a communicative relationship? No. But I did reflect and try to be a better sister as I got older. Yeah. Having kids, and suffering from PMDD turned me into a horrible version of myself, but as I sought help, my heart softened. Medication and therapy conversations helped my heart grow, too. 

Over the years I chose to forgive harsh words, harsh interactions, for the sake of family. But therapy taught me I am not responsible for the words or actions of others. I am responsible for Kathy. For checking in on Kathy and reflecting on their words and actions. Not obsess. But feel; in the moment. 

I was ready to call my parents that week. I was working up the dialog in my head. The words to use that would allow everyone to be heard. Deciding if I wanted to make bullet points but also knowing that would be too impersonal. I was scared of steering off course and stumbling upon a one sided argument with my mom. 

But my brother text me. He text I was abandoning MY family. His level of manipulation was increasing as I was deciding on how to speak to my parents, with days turning into weeks and eventually many months. 

He has always judged me and when able to, made me out to be a bad person. I've tried to give him advise, and ways to help himself. He's often had to apologize for his words. And I knew the last time we had argued, it was going to be the last. I didn't like the version of myself that day. The words I said or the way I yelled. If he was going to bring out the worst in me, it was time to stop communicating. 

I sent him a text with my point of view, as concise and precise as possible. Told him his words were harsh and uncalled for. I was not going to take his behavior and look the other way. 

Yes, he has reached out and I won't call back. I did text him not to come to my home. 

Sometimes, people don't understand the value of others. 

Take care, 

Kat

What was it like?: Having an older brother

so many thoughts running through my head. 

It was fun.

It was frustrating. 

I met my oldest brother when he was 18. He spoke only Spanish. He was funny. I was 14ish. 

Over time our relationship shifted. I grew up. I began to make my own choices and had independence. Did he take advantage? Or did I? Who asked who? Maybe I was too trusting. I asked him to find drugs for me and he did. 

I was already a heavy marijuana user, but as I approached drinking age, a rebellious spirit inside wanted more. One night, we stayed out all night. it was the first and last time. I felt safe with him. I trusted him with things I wouldn't say to anyone. 

Weeks after that night he got in trouble for something. He was talking back to my Mom, diminishing the situation he was in. As I walk from the kitchen to the living room, we lock eyes. He says, "Mom, you are worried about me? You should see all the things she does behind your back!" 

I'm sure I shouted something back. I've never stood down from a verbal match. Let's go! 

Mom stopped us. She said this wasn't about me and to go to my room. I did and she never brought it up again.  

My brother apologized, but it broke my heart. He's my half brother, different fathers. And although I met him at a young age, I never treated him like he wasn't a member of the family. In a moment of frustration, he lashed out on the first person he saw, no care for who I was. 

Our relationship today is cordial. At least there's that. 

Take care, 

Kathy 

First Job Interview in 5 years! + Medication Update

 AAAAHH I went for it. I went on a job interview. It's went well. I applied at my son's elementary school for a teacher's assistant position.  I did not get the job, I was overqualified. I needed to be enrolled in school. Like, babe, I'm done with school. 

The puzzle of who I am became clear to my son's principal. Turns out she had an inclination I may be a teacher since 2018! It's crazy. She knew of my last principal, whom was killed by her husband. Mrs. S read a post I wrote on a Los Angeles Times article back in October of 2018 regarding Brooke's murder. She saw my name on the post. She asked me today if I knew Brooke. Honestly, it felt good to speak Brooke's name. To say lovely things about my dear friend. 

Medication update - I was getting very heavy. Gaining weight and feeling overall gross. I spoke with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication. Dropping one type of medication down by 10mg. I felt a difference soon after lowering my dose. My feelings have been stronger, feelings of depression always come around my period, so every month I get sad, angry, lonely, without fail. No medication will make me feel 100% normal. But it has helped me see myself even when I am angry or sad. I can look at Kathy in the mirror and speak to her and tell her, "Take it easy, you will get through it." And I did. 

I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. 

-Kathy 

(Trigger - Weight discussion) Trying to Melt the Fries off

I have been feeling fat. 

It came on so quickly. 

Within a month I gained 10 pounds, maybe more. 

I couldn't look at the number. I did not want to weigh myself on a scale. My reasoning, it may lead me towards getting stuck over thinking about the number. The large number (I imagined). 

But a mirror. Oh, a mirror says a lot, too. 

I had just gotten out of the shower. 

I was dreading looking at the mirror. I felt unhealthy. Lethargic.

The first thing I looked at was my mid section. My lower tummy was wide, my belly had new stretch marks. I saw my face. It had a double chin, chubby cheeks. 

I went to the living room and told my husband, "You have to tell me when I start to look fat." 

If he would please help me stay on track. 

It was not his fault or his job. 

I have had issues with food all of my life. I overate during my elementary school years. 

I lost a lot of weight in high school when I began a journey of vegetarianism. 

After my kids,  I gained weight. 

After having my kids, I gained weight. 

No excuses, just a trajectory. 

In April I began to tweak my eating. Less fried foods. I began to eat more salads. Eating one less slice of pizza. Little changes I knew would amount to something over time. 

As workouts, I began to use powerbands at home; finding YouTube videos to aid with workouts. 

After one month, I did not see big changes. I knew I was loosing inches in my midsection, but it was taking too long. Maybe it's my age, and if so, it came a knockin' fast! 

So, in May I began to walk my neighborhood; again. It's a mess in Los Angeles. In my area there is a person who has a ridiculous amount of car parts. On the street and on the sidewalk. It's tires, crashed cars for parts. Next to a school. It's sad. It something you cannot escape and something I push through. 

Walking 20-30 minutes, 5 times a week has helped my lower belly go down, and it's fun to have my daughter in the stroller. So for the moment I am walking around my city trying to melt the fries off. 

It has not been easy, but I've managed to go down 10 pounds. Some days a few of the pounds want to creep back in, but I try to keep trucking. My goal is to feel good. And at the moment I do. Some clothes are still feeling tight, I have work to do. But I feel more confident in this journey. I'm focusing on how I feel. My health and how I am expressing myself.   

I think I'm still on track with my New Year Resolutions :/

Take care,

-Kathy 

Ukraine

History, once again, repeating itself.

I always saw it strange how fashion trends flash back again. 

Now look at this war, full of lies, youth at stake. 

It's impossible for me to follow this world as it is. 

I dig and find. 

Conclude in time, 

that here is WWII again. 

For as long as I can remember, Putin was on the wrong side. 

He's killed, admonished and then done it all over again. 

The world looking the other way.

So here we are. 

Repeating the same tactics as Hitler. 

Using youth to kill, using grown ups to ignore and state propaganda as the source. 

Yes, I hear the answer, no WWIII!

We ain't going in. 

Super powers get to choose the time to act. 

But I see beyond that. 

I see what is happening to the old, the mother's and their kids. 

They are dying a slow death, mental and physical. 

Their men, dying in a war full of lies and deceit. 

Both sides, thrown into the fire to see who will burn first. 

While Putin sits in room, screen full of yes men, telling him It's all under control. 

Let's do it!

I've been on a bit of a journey. Like I've shared before, my neighborhood isn't the best. It is dirty, gang infested and can be a downer. I've been walking my neighborhood on and off for the last year and it doesn't get any easier to ignore the BS. Still, I make the effort to get out there and at least take a 10 min. walk. It helps my mental state and gives me a quick heart rate jump. 

I'll give it to most people, I don't seem the most approachable. I'm here to live my best life and small talk and friendship are just not things I look for while taking a walk or taking my son to school. People see that as rude or bitchy. It's not. I had a man come out and tell a woman I seemed conceited. From walking by people, for just a few seconds he deduced I was arrogant. How in the world. 

Another time I'm walking by and some women say to each other, it must be 1:30pm, time to get ready to pick up the kids. 'Cus I'm a damn clock. My last straw was walking by a house and a man saying, loud enough for me to hear him, "to get rid of the love handles." I flipped off the house. Like, what in the world, folks. People cannot see someone and think, she's working out for her health. She seems busy. Nope, its critics and bullshit commentary. 

Has all that deterred me from my goals!

You bet.

It got me in a bit of funk. Not angry, just not productive. Leaving the house to go for walks didn't seem fun anymore. My daughter didn't want to go on walks since they were "too long" for her. So without her saying, "Yeah! Let's go," I stopped. Three weeks later, I've gained weight, and do not like my double chin. My body goes from thin-ish to overweight quickly. But this time instead of hating myself, telling myself I have nothing to wear and all around tearing myself down. I stopped.

I reflected on what goals I want to accomplish. One of them is to loose weight, yes but it is also about t not keep gaining weight. To look at what I'm eating and changing it up. I've ditched my eggs in the morning and started eating salads and adding more meat and veggies to my diet. Less soda during the day means a soda in the evening. More water. I even started doing a Youtube workout. I added resistance bands to my workout to add something new to my routine. 

Point is, don't give up on  yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. Do reflect and make small changes.

Even though I don't take my daughter for 30 min. walks, I take her on 10 min. walks and she gets to pick a few flowers. 

Small changes equate to small victories and over time, they will add up and you'll feel better. 

Living life is the point, so let's do it! 

Feet, YogaToes and cute toes

Finding shoes that fit properly has often been a challenge. I began my teaching career in 2008 and finding properly fitting shoes for hours on my feet was tough. Although shoes were my size, they were often too narrow. I'd walk and be on my feet all day, by dismissal I'd feel miserable. It got to the point where my toes would rub and be squished so much my toes began to change. My smaller toes had a hard callous that formed at the bottom. As I got older I developed bunions, and low arches. In elementary school a friend asked me if my foot hurt when I landed after a jump. I said they did. She told me to tell my mom and go to the doctor because she was given insoles after telling her mom. Since at a young age I knew my mother would not listen, or even worse, get mad. I never told anyone. 

That is until I moved in with my fiancé at 25. He would see how red my feet would be at the end of the day. He'd notice how much I hated wearing my shoes. He encouraged me to spend money on insoles. To find solution to my problem by searching for wide shoes. In the early 2000's wide shoes were often nurse shoes. Not stylish enough for work. But as I looked for alternatives, I found that I cold find shoes online that might fit. They were hit or miss, but it was a relief to just find shoes. 

DSW (Designer Shoe Wearhouse) became a place for me to find shoes and try them on. It always had varieties and it made me feel hopeful. When I found shoes that fit, I'd get so excited. It was like presents on Christmas day. Since leaving teaching my taste in shoes has changed. I am all about comfort! I wear sneakers. I don't care what fashion trends say, I'm taking care of my feet from now on. 

In October of last year, I was introduced to YogaToes GEMS (link takes you to YogaToes' Amazon store). It changed my feet for the better. It stretches my toes giving them relief from walking and the confinement of shoes. They changed my feet so much that I can see my toe nails. Over the years, my toes were facing towards the right on my right foot and towards the left on my left foot. I was embarrassed by my toes. Always wearing socks. YogaToes has helped me love my toes again. I have used them for four months and I am happy to say my toes have begun to face forward, a.k.a. look normal. My pinky toes still face the wrong direction, but thankfully the rest are shifting. It's made it easier to paint my toe nails! Major victory. It transformed them so much I think my feet are cute. Never thought that would be possible for me. 

If you have issues with finding shoes that fit, with the way your toes look, you are not alone. Many of us suffer in silence. Feel misunderstood because ugly toes are things to make fun of, not talk about. Well, I'm here to say that is just not the case. There are products that are helping people like us fix the problems that have plagued us. Be it wide shoes, toe stretchers or toe cushions. 

Take care, 

Kat

*Nothing sponsored 

*Link is safe and takes you to Amazon 

Marijuana and hair loss

One day I woke up, started doing my hair and realized a patch, the size of an inch, on the right side of my head was blond. I have jet black hair. Only colored it once, in high school. It was supposed to turn out blue, but it was a green and blue mess. Ugly it was, but I was young, and didn't care. What I did learn was that the process took a very long time. It required bleaching and waiting. I really had no clue. My mom always dyed her hair from a box, so honestly, I thought you could just put blue dye on my black hair and be on my way. My friend's cousin was doing it, first time I met her. 

I have been getting gray hairs in my 30's, and I love them. It's all good, you know. Will I dye my hair, not any time soon, it just isn't a big deal. That is until my hair started thinning and turning blond. At first I was in denial. I thought OK, this is a process I'm going thorough. After I noticed a bald spot in the same area, I thought to myself, "This is bad." I asked my family and they all gave me the same response: "You can't even tell." That was not good enough, either you see what I see, or you don't. They did. They saw a patch where my hair was thinning. 

My next step was to email my doctor, send her pictures and wait for a response. It came days later as a "Please schedule an appointment to see your doctor." Which lead to the discovery that my primary care doctor was no longer at Kaiser. This was in December. I decided to tackle this problem in 2022. 

Well, 2022 rolls around. At that time I decided to no longer smoke marijuana as a new year resolution. I never thought there might be a link to Marijuana use and hair loss. Apparently there is. The longer someone uses marijuana, the more there is a buildup of THC (the main component in marijuana) on the hair shaft, resulting in a loss of hair health (forhims.com). As a chronic marijuana user, reading that information was a relief. The onset of hair loss came over a period of time. I had introduced new medications to my body and was worried that was the cause of my hair loss. Reading about THC and hair shafts, and links, I thought to myself this might be the reason. 

One month after quitting smoking my hair is growing back. My hair is black and not blonde. It is thicker. Baby hairs are coming in. I cannot see a bald spot, instead I see hair growth. I feel like I'm getting reason after reason to not smoke again. I smell marijuana and I don't crave it. I hear other's speak about marijuana and I share my experience of loosing weight, being present for my kids and living my best life without it. Marijuana is fun. when April 20th (420) rolls around I might be tempted to smoke a blunt or a joint, or two or more, but over the years my use had gone from recreational to a perceived necessity. All I was doing was numbing myself. And messing up my hair. 

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy 

Embracing how far I've come

Kids are a lot. 

There is no escaping a child that loves you and wants to show it to you. Or a child that is upset and wants you to understand their point of view. 

My children are 4 and 7. Both immature. I mean, they are kids. What do we expect? For him to stop her from throwing herself from our bed and smashing onto the metal frame of another? Nope. I will admit I raised my voice, I searched for a person to blame. After all I was doing chores. I was mopping and vacuuming. But it was my fault. I should have anticipated things. But I didn't. 

My son understood he should be more aware of what his little sister is doing and remind her of where they should be playing. And she got the wind knocked out of her and knows to not jump from one bed to another. As for me, to control my expectations, to listen and empathize. 

That was yesterday, this evening I decided to bring out my laptop. Make time for writing, for creativity. Yes, they might get a little upset that I'm not there to play, but again, I need to have time for myself. Just now I closed the door to write, they were playing in the living room, rolling a ball back and forth with their dad. But me closing the door is like a sign.

Come in, it beckons.

My son just walked in. Came to hug me, give me a kiss and check in on what I was doing. "Listening to music, and writing?" "What are you writing?" He asks. Adult stuff, hun. 

In the past that would have made me angry. Leave me alone, I need space, would have been my thoughts. Now, I understand they love me. They want me to go roll the ball with them. I get it. But I also want to set boundaries. I need time to write. Time to be creative. For months I've had a project in mind, and I just can't get to it. I don't have what I need. I don't have the time or space. My mind can race with thoughts of what I have to do. Cook, clean, play with the kids. Spiraling was a trade I was soooo good at. I would take one thought and run with it. Be a bully and demand my needs be met. I would hate with a passion; unmatched.  

My perspective has changed to being able to listen to the spiraling in my head, to talk myself off the possibility of getting upset, but also prioritize what I need to do. Not the minute details of dust and specks on the floor, instead focusing on what the big tasks to get done are. Today my house was a mess. Each room was a mess. It was making me feel, "Not good" instead of angry. Such a difference in attitudes. I asked for help. "Just take out the trash, or pick up the dog's poop" I texted. Before it would have been anger and frustration. Aggression and dominance. I cannot control others. It took me years and tears to understand. I have to reflect on myself, my feelings before attacking others to prove a point only I understood. 

I'm proud of my family. Immature and all. We are so much closer than we were. I am the glue that keeps us together. It was something I hated to think of because I felt so flawed. So messed up mentally. Today, I begin to embrace how far I have come. How much I mean to this family. I feel good. 

Thank you for reading, 

Kathy 

Marijuana and lifestyle changes

So, keeping it 100 percent honest, I am a marijuana smoker. I have smoked since I was introduced to it when I was 15 years old. When I got pregnant with my children, I stopped cold turkey. I already felt so sick from morning sickness, not smoking was not a big deal. So I stopped twice in my life for roughly two years both times. 

Well, I can tell you that stopping without being pregnant has been hard. I feel many withdrawal symptoms. It's hard to sleep at night. I toss and turn for at least 45 minutes before going to sleep. It used to take me second to fall asleep.  When I go into the room and lay in bed with my thoughts, they are racing. Ugh, it sucks. 

Then there's my appetite, I hardly have one. The usual food we buy or make at home just isn't tasting the same. I'm craving salads! I used to eat salads in my 20's, I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. It's like that part of me wants to come back. Enough munchies, Kat, eat healthy...

Ufff, I bought Starbucks today, and I was scared to drink it because food isn't tasting flavorful. I'm tasting one dominant flavor over the rest, instead of enjoying the entire bite. Today I made guacamole. All I could taste were the chips and cilantro. When I just ate the guacamole with a spoon, it tasted more like guacamole. Who can eat guac without chips???

Turns out its all totally normal. It could take upward of 2 weeks for me to get my appetite back, as well as my sleep cycle returning to normal. 

I've had this nagging feeling that feels like a hangover since I've stopped. 

BUT

I've been more present with my kids. Playing, hugging. I used to want to be alone. Just, I guess, enjoying the high. But I was loosing time. I never smoked around my children. I had a room to go to and would take a break and smoke. Never taking too long, but I acknowledge I had to sneak around to smoke. 

Today, I feel better. I'm craving less fatty foods, and I think because of that I feel less bloated. I feel my confidence growing as I see myself letting go of something I loved, but also something that was not helping us out financially. A jar of weed can cost a couple of dollars or $80+ depending on the level of THC (what gets you high in marijuana) you want. Although we aren't struggling, we need to focus on where our money is going. Is it making our family better? Is in the forefront of our thinking. 

Earlier today I felt angry about something, but it went away after I stated my frustration. No feeling in my chest, just speaking, and letting go. Could it be because I stopped smoking? Maybe. 

I'm taking all this day by day. Do I crave it? Sometimes. But we can do hard things, and I'm doing the damn thing. 

Have a wonderful day, 

-love, Kat. 

New Year Resolutions - Happy New Year

 It's that time of year.

I heard today that resolutions help the brain go forward, instead of pulling from the past to make your present. 

So here go my resolutions to keep this momentum going :)

In no particular order:

1. Exercise - walk one mile at least 4 days a week

2. plank daily to at least 4 times a week - 2-3 minutes

3. keep writing

4. make rings

5. make necklaces

6. finish kitchen cabinets

7. read 

8. take my medication

9. Use my wellness maintenance plan 

10. track my period and prepare for the week before and the week of my period

11. play with my son and my daughter more often

12. start my eBay store

13. stop the flower

Hope you have a resolution or two, or more. 

Have a wonderful new year!!                 

Final Therapy and Me - hehe

Guys, we did it. 

I patiently waited for my therapists phone call, it was 1:07pm and I was getting nervous. My kids were using phones & watching a movie, I spoke to my oldest and told him to help me out and keep sister busy. He really helped. 

Elsa, my therapist, and I always begin with the outcome scores of my two week assessment. I get asked question in a survey and I answer based on my mood and the events that occurred during those two weeks. 

She was glad to tell me all the scores were green. Big improvement. It has been. Over the last 3-4 therapy sessions I had been scoring in ranges that showed I was not suicidal, depressed or anxious. By then I had been taking a second medication, Buspirone for roughly two months. (The first two weeks I started Buspirone I became angry. I had road rage which Lexapro had helped me with. I was feeling worried about the Buspirone. I did not want to feel uncontrollable anger, but I also knew that it would take longer than two weeks for the medication to take full effect). I am glad I waited and was patient with the process. I know things are fluid, you just never know how emotions will strike with Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD) but I feel I have reached a happy place in my medication. 

She asked me if there was something I wanted to share with her. I told her about the conversations I had with my dad and brother. She was kind and listened and asked questions that helped me to reflect on the conversations I had with my family members. I called my brother a narcissist. Something I had never labeled him as before. I heard so much of my mother in his taunts. 

Elsa told me I had every right to be angry. I was not in charge of my mother's feelings. I don't live with them anymore. She said I was able to see them and myself, without the interconnectedness of feelings. 

My brother taunted me because he sees me as my past. He wants to pull from that past manipulation to trap me in emotional control. 

Not going to happen. 

Elsa and I then got to the business of building a plan for the future. I checked off boxes on a paper I printed from her email. That little paper was going to help maintain all the work I've done.  

The checklist helped me see myself doing things that make me feel good, like playing with my kids, getting ready for the day, cooking. And boxes that helped me see myself doing things when getting upset: withdrawn, angry, crying, And boxes for things I can do when I am getting mad: take a walk, aromatherapy, take a break, read. It's more intricate than this, but this tool is valuable, and I am thankful it's my graduation papers. 

One part I had trouble filling out was who I can speak to during a difficult time. My dear cousin came to mind, but no one else. My husband is busy, I understand he needs a break from my emotions. I have to learn who I can rely on and who I can't. With all my love I can say this is a good thing (Him and I did go over the paper and he we had a good conversation about it. He was happy I shared it with him).  When I was at my saddest points, I would google how I felt and often found stories of people that felt like I did, and were able to convey to me that it would get better. Seeking help was a great place to start to heal. I also found bible verses that helped me connect with myself and stopped my tears from flowing more than once. I added those to the list of resources I can seek when things are getting difficult. 

I wonder how many graduation's she's had. I hope she knows I'll never forget her. She changed my life. Just by listening, being honest. She ripped a few Band-Aids off that made me think long and hard about myself. Just who I was, and why I was so darn defensive all the time. 

This entire journey makes me self aware as heck. But in a good way. It brings me comfort to speak to myself in a reassuring manner, in a way that make me feel safe, and not angry and guarded. 

I am so thankful. 

Final Therapy Session - Therapy Graduation

Today is the big graduation day. 

Some heavy stuff has gone on in my life this week, and I know that would have broke me 6 months ago. I'd be a devastated heap of emotions, barely functioning in my own home. 

I can say that at times my kids still get on my nerves, its normal. They are figuring out this world right along with me. 

I still get mad. My period and I still don't function 100 percent together. I get irritated and feel the need to let you know. Funny thing is...I can laugh at it. Sometimes during the episode, before I open my mouth, and often after the episode, after I've said too damn much, and may have been too dang harsh. But, I am also apologizing, making sure it happens less often, and I am proud the episodes are shorter. 

All the episodes were so hard on my family. I was a façade of myself so often they had no idea what version of upset they would get. It still is hard, but speaking truthfully to them about my therapy, my family life and our goals helps. 

I still cry. My emotions can be too darn much! But I can acknowledge that and can see myself as less of a bad guy. My brain, hormones and body are a lot during my period and I see that as a version of myself. Not the loving me, so I have to remind myself during those times I am more than my emotions, or anger. I am love and compassion, too. 

I am here for a reason, I am living this for a reason, I blog it because I am not alone. 

Taking medication is not for everyone. Perhaps if I had gotten help sooner, in my 20's, early 30's this might be a completely different blog, maybe still about babies and figuring stuff out. Alas, it is a journey of self discovery none the less. Perhaps I wouldn't need medication, but I do and I know I am better because I take it. 

It took our last therapy session for me to feel excited about speaking to Elsa, my therapist. It often felt like a heavy feeling in my chest. Felt like we were once again talking about what went wrong and how I fell apart. During our previous session, my therapist congratulated me on being honest with her. The honesty was what helped our sessions get better and in turn I got better. 

Thank GOD for honesty.  

About yesterday (added some words)

 I got a text around 8:00pm. It said, "You refused the gifts"

My response was to laugh, and to think, like damn from the 5 min. conversation I had with my dad earlier, that's all the insight you got?

Earlier today my phone rings, I look and it says 'Dad'. I hesitate to pick it up. But I do it, it finally happened, a phone call from one of my parents. 

Me: Hi Dad

Dad: Hi, Merry Christmas

Me: Merry Christmas

Dad: Look, I'm going to drop off some gifts at your house (never asking, just telling me, I'm doing this, he was in his car, calling me.)

Me: (Pauses, breathes heavily) 

Me: No. I can't take them. I want to talk to you and mom, first. I want to have a conversation. I can't take the gifts. 

Dad: (Silence)

Dad: No one is coming with me. It's fine. 

Me: (Disappointed: what can't he understand? I want to sit and talk) 

Me: No. 

Dad: She doesn't want to talk to you either. She is not coming. 

Me: But why is she mad? I wanted to tell her I've been sick. To share with her that I wanted to kill myself. But that I've been in therapy. She doesn't want to hear me. 

Dad: (Pause)

Me: I am not trying to not take your gifts to make you feel bad, I just want to talk to both of you, first.

Dad: Well, then. If that's how you feel. Ok, then...Bye. 

Me: (Feels sad, but also proud, because they have often used gifts in ways I found manipulative, things even my husband noticed early on)

...

Hours later, my brother texts me about refusing the gifts. I laughed. I was surprised that was all that came out of the conversation I had with my dad. 

He then proceeds to text me again.

He was so harsh. He called me stupid, that I have a high school mentality. Called us grown ass woman who need to act some sort of way to appease him. 

I called him. I couldn't text fast enough to show my anger. 

He started to taunt me, "Don't start crying." I was so mad. I was crying. I was mad! That is the energy I am trying to escape. I deserve to be treated better. I don't understand why I am not enough for them. I can't take gifts for my kids, I can't act like our whole family dynamic isn't way off. 

I text my brother this morning. Last night I told him he needed to apologize to me. I told him I was not going to speak to him again if he didn't. His attitude and assumption were why I was already so distant. WTF was his problem?! 

He didn't apologize. I hung up. But this morning I was feelin so frustrated in him treating me so nasty. Last night he said I was still depressed, and that I felt like shit because I wasn't speaking to my mom. 

I needed to change his narrative. 

It's not like that. I don't mind not speaking to her. I don't mind not having a relationship with her. It was always superficial. From my mom, dad and brothers. 

They don't care to know me, the good and the bad that is me. What if the bad was more than the good happening in my life? Am I supposed to hide that from those I love?

He apologized for last night. I acknowledge he doesn't want to see his family sad or hurt. 

The way he went about it, though, was classic narcissist. Well learned from the manipulation going on within his house. I may feel good,  but I know my mother feels bad. Then,  why not just confront the problem? Hearing facts can be hard. But I think the bigger torture is whatever thoughts are filling her head. Why not just hear me out, and get things off her own chest?

They all treat me like I was that frustrated 25 year old that left their house. Or better yet, that 15 year old, hurt by her mother's words. Or that 20 year old, crying at church, sobbing because I would rather die than continue to be treated like I was unworthy of love. 

Things change. People can become a better version of themselves. Why not meet her? 

I am worthy. 

Thanks for reading <3

thoughts on narcissism

A few thoughts on narcissism.

People don't want to see they are narcists.

I think it takes too much inner work. 

So they see and pass through this world in a distorted way. 

Some cry, get hurt and blame. 

Others go about their lives like the other person just vanished. 

There's more to it, but I can only relate to what I've experienced. 

This is my first Christmas without speaking to my mom and dad. I decided months ago that I could not go about like I had for years; like it was all OK. 

Seeing my Mom, stepping into the house was all so hard. 

And after it was over I felt better, but it was cringe fest until the next time I had to communicate with them. 

This year, I am so thankful not to feel the pressure of seeing them. For years I was dealing with so much baggage. And none of my family members know how far I have come. 

Just trying to communicate gains and accomplishments felt like a lesson in who not to speak to. 

A reason I decided not to reach out to them this holiday season was because they never reached out to me. Not my Dad, he just didn't speak to me. Or my Mom, who made everything about herself and refused to hear what I had to say. 

But the other was if I called and they had presents for the kids they might want to bring them over. I don't want to see them. I don't want anything from them. I bought no gifts for them. My heart is heavy because I don't want to be they type of person that just stops trying, but my soul tells me its time to just let things be. 

And I am. 

Therapy graduation coming soon

 Hi. 

Happy Winter Solstice. 

Happy return to the lovely winter months in the USA. I know this season is not easy for everyone. Sunny days are almost here <3

Reading the previous post was needed. I left in October because the session that followed that post was terrible. Asking my husband to write 'No' sentences turned into a fight. 

I don't want to get into him and how he feels, but his inner feelings crept in that day. It really messed with my mind. I cried the entire session that followed but it helped see myself more. Helped me see my husband as a flawed individual, like myself. His family dynamic was better than mine, but even they had situations that made for pent up feelings. We can all have that. Approaching life with less expectations and more understanding has helped ease frustrations.    

***

Since my last post there have been ups and downs.

More ups than downs. 

After many therapy sessions, I am graduating. 

My original therapy goal was to cry 4 or less days out of the week. 

A week, folks. 

I was a mess every other day. Picking up the pieces; exhausted by the constant negative talk. When she said my goal aloud, so many thoughts came back. I went back to those hidden files I  never wanted to see. Each time I cried, it felt like a new issue to tackle. A new thing to fix about myself. 

I have gone weeks without crying. That fact took me out of my thoughts and into reality. 

How much I have improved. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I always felt like I was running away, and I was. Things get too real, and I need a pause. This last time, nothing made sense. I had to detach and assess my life, my thoughts. I spent a lot of time on the couch, but I wasn't crying. It felt like I needed to sit and relax after years of my mind racing with thoughts and laments. 

I feel good. 

Around this time last year I came back to blogging. I am so damn proud of myself today. Feeling like myself each day. I was usually an ogre. PMDD is a bitch. But after all these years, I'm still the bader bitch :)

I hope you and yours are having the best of holidays. Have a wonderful new year!

Love, 

Kat

She told me I have issues with the word 'NO'

During my last therapy session my therapist seemed frustrated by me. 

I've wondered when her life and her job would collide. She's a professional, but also a human being. I was grappling with how to feel about her seemingly frustrated tone of voice. I spoke to my husband and I was able to separate her frustration from myself. I have no control over her feelings towards me. She has never made me feel like I should doubt her ability to do her job. She was having a difficult day, a difficult case. Whatever it is, I can't dwell on it. But if she were to act like that again, I'd probably ask for another therapist, 

We spoke of two things that really impacted me:

*I am not responsible for others' mental health. 

I am not responsible for what others' perceive of this world. I cannot dwell on what someone else will or will not do. 

*She said, "You have issues with the word 'no'"

UMMMM yeah! Angry was the way I've always been. Used to be, excuse me. I felt like I could never speak up. My voice was always drowned out by my mom's or my brother's. Today, when I feel like other people don't want to listen to me, I get upset. I judge the person, because to me, I make sense. The real problem, though, is the anger and/or attitude that came with that opinion. I can have strong opinions but cursing and arguing are not the way. 

As an exercise, she told me to write down No sentences to myself and husband. Things I don't like that he does. He needs to write me some 'no' sentences too, and we will share them with each other. Just writing some sentences down, made me feel less tense. It got me to crack open my laptop. 

Thankful for another day, 

Kathy 

I've been chillin'

It's been good. 

I have lay on the couch and relaxed for weeks. I do it for an hour or two when no one is home. It's quiet. A pandemic year and here we are finally alone with my thoughts. 

I hadn't done that without being sad, ever. 

I just wanted to remind myself that I don't have to DO! 

Sometimes I regret not making this or doing that when she's napping and he's at school. I'll rush around when they are both in the living room, and maybe leave them on their own for an hour too long. But, the world keeps turning. 

Two weeks ago I spoke to my therapist and she was upset. I think she was ready to cut me loose. She figures I found ways to cope since I am not having negative thoughts. She asked me if I thought I was ready to end therapy. HUH!!! I was not ready for that question. She seemed irate with me when I said I didin't know how to answer her. 

I'm thankful for all the therapy Ive had, if the old me would of encountered that situation I don't know if I would have been able to shake it off. Not just that but also reflect, find humor, and understanding in her feelings and my own. Shoot, it isn't a bad thing! I am doing better. 

Tomorrow is a full day. Maybe the last therapy and me! (dun, dun, dun). I also speak to my psychiatrist, whom I have not spoken to in months!

I am on 20mg of Lexapro. I'm feeling really good today, but a few days ago, around my period, I wasn't. Nothing is perfect. Nothing. Sometimes the perceptions of perfection are so distorted we lie to ourselves and hide the truth. Minds play tricks. Alas, nothing but inner work and kindness can change certain mindsets. 

I'm rambling. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday. 

Love, 

Kathy