There is no escaping a child that loves you and wants to show it to you. Or a child that is upset and wants you to understand their point of view.
My children are 4 and 7. Both immature. I mean, they are kids. What do we expect? For him to stop her from throwing herself from our bed and smashing onto the metal frame of another? Nope. I will admit I raised my voice, I searched for a person to blame. After all I was doing chores. I was mopping and vacuuming. But it was my fault. I should have anticipated things. But I didn't.
My son understood he should be more aware of what his little sister is doing and remind her of where they should be playing. And she got the wind knocked out of her and knows to not jump from one bed to another. As for me, to control my expectations, to listen and empathize.
That was yesterday, this evening I decided to bring out my laptop. Make time for writing, for creativity. Yes, they might get a little upset that I'm not there to play, but again, I need to have time for myself. Just now I closed the door to write, they were playing in the living room, rolling a ball back and forth with their dad. But me closing the door is like a sign.
Come in, it beckons.
My son just walked in. Came to hug me, give me a kiss and check in on what I was doing. "Listening to music, and writing?" "What are you writing?" He asks. Adult stuff, hun.
In the past that would have made me angry. Leave me alone, I need space, would have been my thoughts. Now, I understand they love me. They want me to go roll the ball with them. I get it. But I also want to set boundaries. I need time to write. Time to be creative. For months I've had a project in mind, and I just can't get to it. I don't have what I need. I don't have the time or space. My mind can race with thoughts of what I have to do. Cook, clean, play with the kids. Spiraling was a trade I was soooo good at. I would take one thought and run with it. Be a bully and demand my needs be met. I would hate with a passion; unmatched.
My perspective has changed to being able to listen to the spiraling in my head, to talk myself off the possibility of getting upset, but also prioritize what I need to do. Not the minute details of dust and specks on the floor, instead focusing on what the big tasks to get done are. Today my house was a mess. Each room was a mess. It was making me feel, "Not good" instead of angry. Such a difference in attitudes. I asked for help. "Just take out the trash, or pick up the dog's poop" I texted. Before it would have been anger and frustration. Aggression and dominance. I cannot control others. It took me years and tears to understand. I have to reflect on myself, my feelings before attacking others to prove a point only I understood.
I'm proud of my family. Immature and all. We are so much closer than we were. I am the glue that keeps us together. It was something I hated to think of because I felt so flawed. So messed up mentally. Today, I begin to embrace how far I have come. How much I mean to this family. I feel good.
Thank you for reading,
Kathy
Kathy