I am a mother and former teacher. With some bumps along the way, I have documented my personal journey through post partum depression and currently writing about my life with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). Let's connect: Instagram: sun_evue . Twitter: @catsgonuts
Well, that went even worse.
13 service members lost.
Heroes. Risking their lives to help others.
Many others also passed.
God rest their souls.
....
Perhaps you don't believe in God.
Or you say, he let this happen, wtf!
People do these things; breed anger and deception.
Twist ideals to fit anger into a box.
Try to outdo each other in a game of evil.
....
It's up to us to be the light.
All children are getting meals to take home at LAUSD. It's a snack and a breakfast for the next day. On Friday's, they get a bit more food for the weekend. This service is provided for all students, free of charge. This undertaking began during covid for LAUSD. Its then superintendent Austin Beutner, wanted to provide food for all students because he knew that was where most underprivileged students got their nutrition. This then blossomed into anyone could pick up food to take home during the months when covid was raging in Los Angeles.
Now that school is in session, it is back to only students receiving a food parcel. On Monday, my son brought home his. I always look through the food and offer fruits and juices. His bag had a lettuce bag on Monday. It was frozen and in no condition to be eaten. The food on Monday was frozen from the Friday before. I wrestled with contacting his teacher. I had already made a fuss about the drop off and pick up line. But at the end, I sent off a note and a picture of the salad to his second grade teacher.
Three days later I get a response...from the principal!! I didn't want to bother her. I thought his teacher might direct the message to one of the two vice principals. But I get it, she's the boss.
Mrs. S replied with screenshots of emails sent between herself and two district food employees. She told me she'd check in regularly with the food service manager to make sure the food provided is of good quality.
My heart "hurts." People don't seem to care. I've written on here before that I love my city. But its a tough ass place. In my own ways I am here to stand up for the little guy.
I also see I can appear like a neurotic bitch, which again, self reflection is a good thing.
Have a great day,
Kathy
I was supposed to see my brother on Tuesday. I was still upset about our covid texts. Over the years I have coped with fears by ruminating. Just playing scenarios in my head. Lately, I'm trying to listen to my body, and how it reacts to situations.
A huge red flag was how I felt after speech therapy. It didn't go as well as I had hoped it might. I decided no more internet speech therapy for Jazzy, too many distractions. We'll start in person therapy next week.
On Tuesday, I was feeling upset about my relations with my brother. I did not want him to come over. I don't know if he should have a space in my heart/life. I think he has a lot of work to do on himself. I think he needs to find himself. I felt uneasy thinking about his visit. I don't want to feel like that. I feel sorry this is happening. We don't believe in the same of anything...
I'll pause here,
love,
Kat
I am having a shit time today. And yesterday.
This is week 2 of back to school.
Week 1 of my daughters speech therapy sessions (I took two weeks off for mental sanity).
I have made up my mind that my daughter is a bratt.
AAAAHHHH or am I the pushover?
I think it has a lot to do with being on medication and therapy. My brain is changing, my reactions are different. I did get upset with my daughter once the lesson was over. She could not use technology, nor could she get gummies. She cried, she screamed, it was bad. Her tantrum was one of the worst she's had.
My tantrum was more subdued, but I heard myself fall back to old tricks, yelling back. My mom and I would go back and forth until I was told to get the hell back in my room.
Reflection is good, too. At the end Jazzy understood (I think) her actions got her butt in trouble, so she needed a time out. She also came to understand her butt was very tired. Since she had just finished 45 min. of not listening to her speech teacher through a screen.
I decided Jazzy needs to go in person. She needs to be engaged. I think we are all over it, her, speech therapist and I. I will take Jazzy in person next Wednesday.
I feel upset, even mad, but subdued. I'm looking forward to leaving my daughter at my mother in laws and walking to pick up my son. I'm going to go for a brisk walk, I'm excited.
Take care,
Kathy
The situation in Afghanistan is terrible.
So many lives lost. Twenty years to find a way out.
Then, the way out turns out worse, than the worst case scenario imagined.
Ending a war has never been easy. Even when guns are lowered, fear rules in peoples hearts. The trauma that is seen from loved ones lost, homes lost, lasts generations.
I know getting out of Afghanistan is a national interest. American lives were lost and severely impacted during the 20 years the USA was there. But this abrupt and disorganized Taliban takeover has dismantled years of blood, sweat and tears. American soldiers are expressing their frustrations with leaving behind Afghanis that aided them during the war.
I saw September 11 live on my television. I went to school that day. I saw a TV cart be rolled into my first period English class to watch the coverage. I remember Mr. O getting a phone call from the office and having to turn it off. I have lived with anniversaries of September 11. For years it was hard to watch the coverage, the documentaries. The images of people falling from the cargo plane leaving the Kabul airport, juxtaposed with people falling from buildings on September 11.
I too wanted American's out of Afghanistan. And now they are called back, in more dire circumstances. There should have been better plans, perhaps a more gradual pullback, but there is no time for that.
When corruption and money are more important that life and country. When women and children are not valued, we see scenes of chaos and loss. Parents hoisting a baby up to a Marine to give them a better life, perhaps to never be seen again (thankfully they were reunited). Unimaginable heartache. I pray people stand up for themselves and their their values. That they use the power in their voices to find a way out of this awful situation.
Thank you for reading, I was thinking about all of this and find it therapeutic to write.
Have a blessed day,
Kathy
I'm not going to apologize for sending my son to school.
He stayed home for nearly 18 months. At the end of first grade he got top of his class and a perfect attendance award. He was eager to go to school. By now we have spoken about Covid often enough that he knows he needs to protect himself.
Look, I understand that he can get sick, and I worry about my young daughter getting sick. But I am trying to have him change masks, wash his hands, use hand sanitizer and shower when he gets home. We are vaccinated. He's getting Covid tests weekly. We are doing our part, and the school is too. They were open during the last trimester of my son's first grade year. We declined our son going to school, then. We were not vaccinated.
In the midst of surge in cases, I wrestled with second thoughts, even the day before classes began I was nervous and wanted to pull the plug. The plan is to give it two weeks and if everyone feels well and there are no cases, he can continue going to school.
Related to all that, yesterday I received a text message that upset me. This person wrote LOL (laugh out loud) after I wrote them in a text message much of what I wrote above.
And in the same text writes, Hope Jazzy doesn't get sick.
Thanks, for the well wishes? He says he misses the kids, and wants to spend time with them, but then acts like an immature person when he's in his 30's!
Like, why the LOL?
I told him he was laughing at my kids. Did he think it would be funny if my children became sick? He says, "It's not that serious, I'm just being 'funny'." Really? I told him to shove his LOL where it don't shine. He doesn't have time for me he reply's, good, It's mutual.
I heard a sweet soul say last night that if you ignore you're bodies messages, the primal tingles, and feelings you get when you know things don't feel right, you may get other messages that are more in your face. More evident. This interaction was a big let down for me. This person has lacked empathy for years. Deflects from himself when things don't go how he'd like. I have made effort to give advice. And to push past bad feeling between us. But he needs to become more aware of his words, his behavior.
Thanks for sticking with me.
My son joined in person learning today. Second grade status! I've been worried about him going back to school. It's a pandemic! But he's been home for months and needs time to run and have fun. I know my son, and his impulsiveness and his enjoyment in the act of having a good time. He's young, wild and free. I want him to have all that without me, he deserves to be carefree.
His elementary has roughly 800 students. Lots of parents, strollers, and cars. This morning was a disaster. The lack of organization was right in your face. My frustration is with staff that can't multitask, can't delegate or take the wheel. I am that person. I can't just stand by and allow bullshit. My own impulsivity has gotten me recognition in life, but sometimes, I just wish I would refrain from doing it in the order my brain tells me. Take a breath, assess and adjust needs to be my new mantra.
LOLLLL guys, I'm on my period and Lexapro may not be doing its full effect on me. I told my husband maybe I'm too intense for this neighborhood. He said "No." I'm the right level. "Everyone else is brand new." They sure do act brand new.
I emailed the principal, posted below:
Dear Mrs. S,
Happy first day of school. Getting here has not been easy
and I want to take the opportunity to thank you for your efforts to keep our Lions learning.
This email is to express some concerns regarding morning
arrival for students. I am aware that the daily pass website was not capable of
dealing with the amount of traffic. But, I think Fairview (fake name) staff should be more
proactive, speaking to parents, informing them to continue to wait or to log
into the daily pass website. I had to leave my kids and ask staff if my son
could bypass the line since the pass loaded. I was told he could. So I say,
“Why don’t you let them know?” (meaning parents). So I inform parents, and
guess what, a bunch had the pass.
So I finally get to my kids. We go back to the front
together, and I tell an African American man wearing what I think was a black
Fairview Shirt, “There is no organization here” He shrugs his shoulders and
says, “It’s the first day.”
Really? So all of those people’s time doesn’t matter?
Society should suck it up? I am sorry, but his response was rude. Sir, get
yourself out there and inform parents. Leave the safety of the school grounds,
and get kids in school! Isn’t that the point?
So then I go around to the front gate and see my son
wondering around having no clue where to go!
Who was supposed to be there to tell him where to go? It’s
rhetorical, a human should have been there to help.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I was angry.
My suggestions would be to have a roving team to go to each
section and talk to parents about the pass, encourage them to keep trying and
wait in the websites virtual line for the daily pass. Have giant QR codes on
clipboards to help parents get there.
Have two lines for people that have a daily pass and those
without. Don’t think we all know we don’t need to wait in line, again, due to a
lack of communication.
More people directing kids to their corresponding areas.
Lastly, there were WAYYYY toooo many people near each other.
Next to P avenue, two lines formed one facing north and one facing
south, separated by three feet, and people walking down the middle to get to
where they need to go. It’s a pandemic. I was shocked, and that fueled my
frustration. The line closest to 77th street should wrap around 77th,
not stay on P Ave.
I think you put your freshest folks on those gates, and they
may need more help.
Thanks for reading,
Kathy Mora
-----I love my kids, I love my community. Pushing out the negative self talk about what happened this morning in order to put in clear view why TF I do what I do. Why I say what I say.
I am the change.
(And the strip club eeeehhh)
We went to Point Fermin in San Pedro, today.
I dislike going out, but I have to keep all my mental crap at bay for my family. My kids want to have fresh air and a chance to be kids. So damn it, I got in the car and we drove to San Pedro.
First, it was crowded. Teens or twenty somethings were throwing a gig (party for children) of some sort. Cute. Whatever.
We decide to go the complete opposite way and climb a steep ass hill.
As I was climbing, I was looking at the floor the entire time. Rocks gripping my Asics to the ground. Suddenly my husband announced, "It's too steep" to continue. "We could fall." And like in a freakin' cartoon, I realize we are too high and I have two children. And that we could all, in fact, tumble down the dang hill.
AAAAHhhhh!!
And I kind of panic. I'm a share-er so I was like "Oh shit, I think we could fall." Anyway, we all look at each other and decided we have to start to get down, because we can't just stay up in a hill like statues. Of course by now my son thinks he will fall. So grips me, and I have to act like this is fine, just follow me, and step on these shrubs and we'll be fine.
Until he decided he wants to be with my husband and cuts across diagonally from the safety of the shrubs we are using as ledges and grabs onto my husbands sweater as to not loose his footing. Husband is holding our heavy 3 year old daughter. Ggggrrrr! You child! Luckily, no one falls, but dammit! Why won't kids look at danger, instead of beyond it, to whatever prize they perceive is waiting.
So I'm alone, and still like 20 feet from safety. My heart races, my sweater is behind me, my tits, feel bigger than ever, why? Who knows. And for a second I think, "I should cover my stomach, it's probably bouncing all over the place." But then I feel the fresh air, and I push that thought aside as I arrive on even ground.
I kind of don't want to leave at this point, I ask my husband and kids to take pictures.
Remember the "band" having a gig? For some reason the singer decides to zero in on us an us taking pictures with our kids. "Sings" about us posing in the pictures & sounds like an absolute deuche, so, I flip him off. Apparently, he likes that, 'cus he starts to sing about wanting to marry a chick like me. WTF.
Whatever, at this point, we are by the car, and we are putting the kids in their seats. I'm passing around hand sanitizer to the family. I am that mom, with the sanitizer and the snacks after we go the park. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone approaching us. I realize it's the folks from the car next to us. I close the door on myself so they have space, but I was here first, and you all fit just fine. So why would I even think of moving when I have done the most I can to make your return as pleasant as possible?
The "mother" orders her child to get in the car seat. I am handing out snacks at this time, being cute as hell, because I am an awesome human being sometimes. This woman then purposely pushes my door, to close the door on me. WTF: again. Can't make this shit up, because who wastes time with KARENS!!!!!
So I go kinda nuts. I yell profanity as she quickly closes the door to her Mercedes. I yell at her about pulling such a dick move. I show her my bangin' body and emphasize the ample size of my ass so she knows she's fucking with the wrong body...ody, ody...
Listen, don't mess with me.
Don't underestimate people.
Period.
So she looks dumb because she has the ugliest set of fake nails on, and two her people are like wtf just happened. And who the fuck knows what she says, but I have the biggest, darkest eyes you have ever seen. They felt fucking embarrassed. At that point my mask was lost, so I was not about to bring down my window, but I made enough of a seen to make her ass too scared to want to leave the parking lot. HAHAHAHAHAH. She had to leave, 'cus my stare is just too much for people with demons in their souls.
My kids are like what was that. And I tell the story. And I say it's OK to defend yourself.
But you know what the cruelest part was, my son saying, "But why all the bad words?" AAAAHHHH I am ghetto my friends. I have a passion for my rights and when both words collide, well, I just speak from my soul and it likes to cuss. I've made so much progress, but I probably need a swear jar or expand my vocab.
The moral for me was to tone down my anger. To be a better role model for my kids. I would have handled it all the same, but with less cursing. Live and learn. But get it together baby, your kids are not getting any younger, or less forgetful.
I don't even want to edit this. Uuuugh, I probably will.
-Kat
Went to Ikea without the kids. You'd think it would go flawless, kidding, shit happens.
First, Ikea was bought out! We found one much needed dresser, the last one in the pile, but it turned out to be a grey instead of black. Let's just build the thing.
So while there I suppose my husband was pressed about the time we were taking. We left the kids with his mom. He started to rush and when I'd ask him a question he'd be short with me. I got upset. I gave him the silent treatment. Thankful Ikea is one way type of store, 'cus people would of seen my face and known shit was hitting the fan.
Finally we get distracted by the line and the waiting for our items that I got over my anger.
Once the kids were down to bed I told him why it bothered me. I think I tell you all more than I tell him! He was honest about the times he knew things were different between my mom and I. Like I never visit her. Or how I'd get so upset about going to her house, legit tantrums. I told him I was verbally abused as a child, a fact I had not said aloud to anyone. We cried.
We've known each other since our last semester in High School, a couple since 17 and in my 30's I'm just unpacking my feelings. Thank God for compassionate, passionate human beings in my life.
Yesterday was not good.
Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life.
This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly.
Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother.
These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it.
I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.
On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him.
PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die.
I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day.
Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow.
I never wore makeup in high school. I think it was more common then to see girls, makeup free. I don't think I even plucked my eyebrows. I'm the oldest of three boys, so I never had someone to teach me makeup or buy it with.
When I graduated high school at 17, in the early 2000's I went straight to CSULB. That was a struggle in itself. I never fit in. In high school I did not care. But in university that changed. I felt alone. I didn't make friends, and getting into groups was intimating and the feeling, fleeting.
During that time, I start working at an arcade. I loved it! I loved the people there. The girls really took me under their wing. I let my wild side show and I was untamable! Aaaah, to be young. After working there two or three years, I had to stop because I was in my last year at CSULB and that meant 'Student teaching' in a classroom setting, supervised by an actual teacher. I also had a shit experience there. So I saw my friends less, but we tried to hang out when our schedules allowed it.
We all finally made it to L.A. Live in Downtown Los Angeles for drinks and dinner one Saturday evening. I was gifted a beautiful pink jacket by a student during this time and couldn't wait to wear it. I was also using tutorials on YouTube to learn to do my makeup. This was circa 2010. After talking and eating, as a group of like 8 girls we go to the restroom and take a bathroom pic. When my friend looks at the pictures, and almost in shock, she says, "Kathy (Pause) you look (pause) good?" Like what did you expect? Ugly duckling status? Maybe. I've always had it in me, I just never put the effort in myself. Time taught me to find myself, and makeup played a role. Make up is art. I felt creative on top of feeling beautiful. I was using the tools (they were the first to tell me to wear make up) and empowerment my friends taught me and made myself feel better about my appearance.
When that happened in the restroom it was life letting me know I am beautiful, I have value, the bomb!
I have a hard time looking at my body, my face and loving what I see. I'll critic my body, my face, or better yet, avoid the mirror. I've gotten better at it though, I am me! I will still walk by a mirror, but more often I'll stop, smile at myself and keep on walking. Years later I still think about my friend making me feel ugly by telling me I looked "good." My brain often takes hold of what I perceive as bad and makes it worse. But it was not like that at all, I looked more beautiful than she could ever imagine.
Once in Las Vegas, with my then fiancé, I go to the restroom by myself. I rush by the mirror and do my business. As I am washing my hands, I finally decide to check myself in the mirror. For me, at that time, it took courage and talking to myself to do it. And I see this beautiful face looking back at me. Years later that Vegas memory brings a smile to my face. Thoughts about ourselves should not be harsh. If they are, it isn't your heart speaking. Bad thoughts can blind us and diminish our self esteem but we are all worthy of feeling good and proud of ourselves. Makeup and friendships were a catalyst to my transformation.
Forever grateful.
-Kat
It was becoming too much to hold her hand while she went poop. Especially since she enjoyed it so much she changed her poop schedule. She used to poop one time, after breakfast. Now she gets excited about going to the restroom and doing a combo of 1 and 2's.
In order to get her off my hand so I could actually get feeling back into it, I gave her a stuffed animal to hold. I sit the stuffed animal next to the bowl and give her its hand. It is not the stuffed animal she sleeps with, and she knows to ask for it or grab it when she needs to. At times she'll want to hold my hand, I mostly tell her I have to clean something and bring her the stuffed animal. I don't want to continue a habit I want her to break. If she catches me just on the phone, sitting on the couch, I'll hold her hand, can't say no.
We are buying the last pack of diapers for her. SOOOO awesome! I am buying one small pack and that's it. We will try 100% undies after that. She is learning to wipe herself. I have to let her go for it and try her best to clean her booty. The idea of no diapers at night does worry us, but I saw a hack! To use water resistant bed covers that go under the bead sheet.
The idea is to make two water resistant layers. By covering the mattress with a water resistant cover, then a fitted sheet over both cover and mattress, then adding a second layer of water resistant cover and a fitted sheet covering the whole thing. If she has an accident I don't have to search for sheets. I can pull off the wet sheet and bed cover, change her and get her back into bed. I'll let you know when It comes in handy.
I also saw a post that said we should let kids potty train as they see they are ready. I believe that is true. Scrambling to try to teach a child to potty train when school is starting or daycare needs it can be hard on the child and the family. My biggest advice is buy a potty early, in my opinion between 2-3 years old is a good time, and have it around for them to explore. As they see you go to the restroom they will want to copy you. New things are often scary to children, so crying is a part of their development. Don't take it personal. They can and will do it. Positive reinforcement can come in many ways, find a way to communicate that helps them feel good about their accomplishments, however small. But also encourages them to try new things even if they are scary. Not forcing, but expressing understanding in their fearfulness while also letting them know they are safe. Learning to potty without a diaper is a normal part of become a big boy or girl or person, or being.
I hope this helps. This second potty training has been pleasant, never thought I'd write that.
Thank you for reading,
Kathy