I never wore makeup in high school. I think it was more common then to see girls, makeup free. I don't think I even plucked my eyebrows. I'm the oldest of three boys, so I never had someone to teach me makeup or buy it with.
When I graduated high school at 17, in the early 2000's I went straight to CSULB. That was a struggle in itself. I never fit in. In high school I did not care. But in university that changed. I felt alone. I didn't make friends, and getting into groups was intimating and the feeling, fleeting.
During that time, I start working at an arcade. I loved it! I loved the people there. The girls really took me under their wing. I let my wild side show and I was untamable! Aaaah, to be young. After working there two or three years, I had to stop because I was in my last year at CSULB and that meant 'Student teaching' in a classroom setting, supervised by an actual teacher. I also had a shit experience there. So I saw my friends less, but we tried to hang out when our schedules allowed it.
We all finally made it to L.A. Live in Downtown Los Angeles for drinks and dinner one Saturday evening. I was gifted a beautiful pink jacket by a student during this time and couldn't wait to wear it. I was also using tutorials on YouTube to learn to do my makeup. This was circa 2010. After talking and eating, as a group of like 8 girls we go to the restroom and take a bathroom pic. When my friend looks at the pictures, and almost in shock, she says, "Kathy (Pause) you look (pause) good?" Like what did you expect? Ugly duckling status? Maybe. I've always had it in me, I just never put the effort in myself. Time taught me to find myself, and makeup played a role. Make up is art. I felt creative on top of feeling beautiful. I was using the tools (they were the first to tell me to wear make up) and empowerment my friends taught me and made myself feel better about my appearance.
When that happened in the restroom it was life letting me know I am beautiful, I have value, the bomb!
I have a hard time looking at my body, my face and loving what I see. I'll critic my body, my face, or better yet, avoid the mirror. I've gotten better at it though, I am me! I will still walk by a mirror, but more often I'll stop, smile at myself and keep on walking. Years later I still think about my friend making me feel ugly by telling me I looked "good." My brain often takes hold of what I perceive as bad and makes it worse. But it was not like that at all, I looked more beautiful than she could ever imagine.
Once in Las Vegas, with my then fiancé, I go to the restroom by myself. I rush by the mirror and do my business. As I am washing my hands, I finally decide to check myself in the mirror. For me, at that time, it took courage and talking to myself to do it. And I see this beautiful face looking back at me. Years later that Vegas memory brings a smile to my face. Thoughts about ourselves should not be harsh. If they are, it isn't your heart speaking. Bad thoughts can blind us and diminish our self esteem but we are all worthy of feeling good and proud of ourselves. Makeup and friendships were a catalyst to my transformation.
Forever grateful.
-Kat