New Year Resolutions - Happy New Year

 It's that time of year.

I heard today that resolutions help the brain go forward, instead of pulling from the past to make your present. 

So here go my resolutions to keep this momentum going :)

In no particular order:

1. Exercise - walk one mile at least 4 days a week

2. plank daily to at least 4 times a week - 2-3 minutes

3. keep writing

4. make rings

5. make necklaces

6. finish kitchen cabinets

7. read 

8. take my medication

9. Use my wellness maintenance plan 

10. track my period and prepare for the week before and the week of my period

11. play with my son and my daughter more often

12. start my eBay store

13. stop the flower

Hope you have a resolution or two, or more. 

Have a wonderful new year!!                 

Final Therapy and Me - hehe

Guys, we did it. 

I patiently waited for my therapists phone call, it was 1:07pm and I was getting nervous. My kids were using phones & watching a movie, I spoke to my oldest and told him to help me out and keep sister busy. He really helped. 

Elsa, my therapist, and I always begin with the outcome scores of my two week assessment. I get asked question in a survey and I answer based on my mood and the events that occurred during those two weeks. 

She was glad to tell me all the scores were green. Big improvement. It has been. Over the last 3-4 therapy sessions I had been scoring in ranges that showed I was not suicidal, depressed or anxious. By then I had been taking a second medication, Buspirone for roughly two months. (The first two weeks I started Buspirone I became angry. I had road rage which Lexapro had helped me with. I was feeling worried about the Buspirone. I did not want to feel uncontrollable anger, but I also knew that it would take longer than two weeks for the medication to take full effect). I am glad I waited and was patient with the process. I know things are fluid, you just never know how emotions will strike with Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder (PMDD) but I feel I have reached a happy place in my medication. 

She asked me if there was something I wanted to share with her. I told her about the conversations I had with my dad and brother. She was kind and listened and asked questions that helped me to reflect on the conversations I had with my family members. I called my brother a narcissist. Something I had never labeled him as before. I heard so much of my mother in his taunts. 

Elsa told me I had every right to be angry. I was not in charge of my mother's feelings. I don't live with them anymore. She said I was able to see them and myself, without the interconnectedness of feelings. 

My brother taunted me because he sees me as my past. He wants to pull from that past manipulation to trap me in emotional control. 

Not going to happen. 

Elsa and I then got to the business of building a plan for the future. I checked off boxes on a paper I printed from her email. That little paper was going to help maintain all the work I've done.  

The checklist helped me see myself doing things that make me feel good, like playing with my kids, getting ready for the day, cooking. And boxes that helped me see myself doing things when getting upset: withdrawn, angry, crying, And boxes for things I can do when I am getting mad: take a walk, aromatherapy, take a break, read. It's more intricate than this, but this tool is valuable, and I am thankful it's my graduation papers. 

One part I had trouble filling out was who I can speak to during a difficult time. My dear cousin came to mind, but no one else. My husband is busy, I understand he needs a break from my emotions. I have to learn who I can rely on and who I can't. With all my love I can say this is a good thing (Him and I did go over the paper and he we had a good conversation about it. He was happy I shared it with him).  When I was at my saddest points, I would google how I felt and often found stories of people that felt like I did, and were able to convey to me that it would get better. Seeking help was a great place to start to heal. I also found bible verses that helped me connect with myself and stopped my tears from flowing more than once. I added those to the list of resources I can seek when things are getting difficult. 

I wonder how many graduation's she's had. I hope she knows I'll never forget her. She changed my life. Just by listening, being honest. She ripped a few Band-Aids off that made me think long and hard about myself. Just who I was, and why I was so darn defensive all the time. 

This entire journey makes me self aware as heck. But in a good way. It brings me comfort to speak to myself in a reassuring manner, in a way that make me feel safe, and not angry and guarded. 

I am so thankful. 

Final Therapy Session - Therapy Graduation

Today is the big graduation day. 

Some heavy stuff has gone on in my life this week, and I know that would have broke me 6 months ago. I'd be a devastated heap of emotions, barely functioning in my own home. 

I can say that at times my kids still get on my nerves, its normal. They are figuring out this world right along with me. 

I still get mad. My period and I still don't function 100 percent together. I get irritated and feel the need to let you know. Funny thing is...I can laugh at it. Sometimes during the episode, before I open my mouth, and often after the episode, after I've said too damn much, and may have been too dang harsh. But, I am also apologizing, making sure it happens less often, and I am proud the episodes are shorter. 

All the episodes were so hard on my family. I was a façade of myself so often they had no idea what version of upset they would get. It still is hard, but speaking truthfully to them about my therapy, my family life and our goals helps. 

I still cry. My emotions can be too darn much! But I can acknowledge that and can see myself as less of a bad guy. My brain, hormones and body are a lot during my period and I see that as a version of myself. Not the loving me, so I have to remind myself during those times I am more than my emotions, or anger. I am love and compassion, too. 

I am here for a reason, I am living this for a reason, I blog it because I am not alone. 

Taking medication is not for everyone. Perhaps if I had gotten help sooner, in my 20's, early 30's this might be a completely different blog, maybe still about babies and figuring stuff out. Alas, it is a journey of self discovery none the less. Perhaps I wouldn't need medication, but I do and I know I am better because I take it. 

It took our last therapy session for me to feel excited about speaking to Elsa, my therapist. It often felt like a heavy feeling in my chest. Felt like we were once again talking about what went wrong and how I fell apart. During our previous session, my therapist congratulated me on being honest with her. The honesty was what helped our sessions get better and in turn I got better. 

Thank GOD for honesty.  

About yesterday (added some words)

 I got a text around 8:00pm. It said, "You refused the gifts"

My response was to laugh, and to think, like damn from the 5 min. conversation I had with my dad earlier, that's all the insight you got?

Earlier today my phone rings, I look and it says 'Dad'. I hesitate to pick it up. But I do it, it finally happened, a phone call from one of my parents. 

Me: Hi Dad

Dad: Hi, Merry Christmas

Me: Merry Christmas

Dad: Look, I'm going to drop off some gifts at your house (never asking, just telling me, I'm doing this, he was in his car, calling me.)

Me: (Pauses, breathes heavily) 

Me: No. I can't take them. I want to talk to you and mom, first. I want to have a conversation. I can't take the gifts. 

Dad: (Silence)

Dad: No one is coming with me. It's fine. 

Me: (Disappointed: what can't he understand? I want to sit and talk) 

Me: No. 

Dad: She doesn't want to talk to you either. She is not coming. 

Me: But why is she mad? I wanted to tell her I've been sick. To share with her that I wanted to kill myself. But that I've been in therapy. She doesn't want to hear me. 

Dad: (Pause)

Me: I am not trying to not take your gifts to make you feel bad, I just want to talk to both of you, first.

Dad: Well, then. If that's how you feel. Ok, then...Bye. 

Me: (Feels sad, but also proud, because they have often used gifts in ways I found manipulative, things even my husband noticed early on)

...

Hours later, my brother texts me about refusing the gifts. I laughed. I was surprised that was all that came out of the conversation I had with my dad. 

He then proceeds to text me again.

He was so harsh. He called me stupid, that I have a high school mentality. Called us grown ass woman who need to act some sort of way to appease him. 

I called him. I couldn't text fast enough to show my anger. 

He started to taunt me, "Don't start crying." I was so mad. I was crying. I was mad! That is the energy I am trying to escape. I deserve to be treated better. I don't understand why I am not enough for them. I can't take gifts for my kids, I can't act like our whole family dynamic isn't way off. 

I text my brother this morning. Last night I told him he needed to apologize to me. I told him I was not going to speak to him again if he didn't. His attitude and assumption were why I was already so distant. WTF was his problem?! 

He didn't apologize. I hung up. But this morning I was feelin so frustrated in him treating me so nasty. Last night he said I was still depressed, and that I felt like shit because I wasn't speaking to my mom. 

I needed to change his narrative. 

It's not like that. I don't mind not speaking to her. I don't mind not having a relationship with her. It was always superficial. From my mom, dad and brothers. 

They don't care to know me, the good and the bad that is me. What if the bad was more than the good happening in my life? Am I supposed to hide that from those I love?

He apologized for last night. I acknowledge he doesn't want to see his family sad or hurt. 

The way he went about it, though, was classic narcissist. Well learned from the manipulation going on within his house. I may feel good,  but I know my mother feels bad. Then,  why not just confront the problem? Hearing facts can be hard. But I think the bigger torture is whatever thoughts are filling her head. Why not just hear me out, and get things off her own chest?

They all treat me like I was that frustrated 25 year old that left their house. Or better yet, that 15 year old, hurt by her mother's words. Or that 20 year old, crying at church, sobbing because I would rather die than continue to be treated like I was unworthy of love. 

Things change. People can become a better version of themselves. Why not meet her? 

I am worthy. 

Thanks for reading <3

thoughts on narcissism

A few thoughts on narcissism.

People don't want to see they are narcists.

I think it takes too much inner work. 

So they see and pass through this world in a distorted way. 

Some cry, get hurt and blame. 

Others go about their lives like the other person just vanished. 

There's more to it, but I can only relate to what I've experienced. 

This is my first Christmas without speaking to my mom and dad. I decided months ago that I could not go about like I had for years; like it was all OK. 

Seeing my Mom, stepping into the house was all so hard. 

And after it was over I felt better, but it was cringe fest until the next time I had to communicate with them. 

This year, I am so thankful not to feel the pressure of seeing them. For years I was dealing with so much baggage. And none of my family members know how far I have come. 

Just trying to communicate gains and accomplishments felt like a lesson in who not to speak to. 

A reason I decided not to reach out to them this holiday season was because they never reached out to me. Not my Dad, he just didn't speak to me. Or my Mom, who made everything about herself and refused to hear what I had to say. 

But the other was if I called and they had presents for the kids they might want to bring them over. I don't want to see them. I don't want anything from them. I bought no gifts for them. My heart is heavy because I don't want to be they type of person that just stops trying, but my soul tells me its time to just let things be. 

And I am. 

Therapy graduation coming soon

 Hi. 

Happy Winter Solstice. 

Happy return to the lovely winter months in the USA. I know this season is not easy for everyone. Sunny days are almost here <3

Reading the previous post was needed. I left in October because the session that followed that post was terrible. Asking my husband to write 'No' sentences turned into a fight. 

I don't want to get into him and how he feels, but his inner feelings crept in that day. It really messed with my mind. I cried the entire session that followed but it helped see myself more. Helped me see my husband as a flawed individual, like myself. His family dynamic was better than mine, but even they had situations that made for pent up feelings. We can all have that. Approaching life with less expectations and more understanding has helped ease frustrations.    

***

Since my last post there have been ups and downs.

More ups than downs. 

After many therapy sessions, I am graduating. 

My original therapy goal was to cry 4 or less days out of the week. 

A week, folks. 

I was a mess every other day. Picking up the pieces; exhausted by the constant negative talk. When she said my goal aloud, so many thoughts came back. I went back to those hidden files I  never wanted to see. Each time I cried, it felt like a new issue to tackle. A new thing to fix about myself. 

I have gone weeks without crying. That fact took me out of my thoughts and into reality. 

How much I have improved. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I always felt like I was running away, and I was. Things get too real, and I need a pause. This last time, nothing made sense. I had to detach and assess my life, my thoughts. I spent a lot of time on the couch, but I wasn't crying. It felt like I needed to sit and relax after years of my mind racing with thoughts and laments. 

I feel good. 

Around this time last year I came back to blogging. I am so damn proud of myself today. Feeling like myself each day. I was usually an ogre. PMDD is a bitch. But after all these years, I'm still the bader bitch :)

I hope you and yours are having the best of holidays. Have a wonderful new year!

Love, 

Kat