Nature, therapy and Me - 3, and wtf has been going on

 uuugggghhhh.

Can we just ignore the fact it's been helllla difficult to write.

That I've cringed at opening my laptop.

I went to therapy two weeks ago, and that triggers fear to open up, again. 

I cry every time I speak to my therapist. Big tears roll, memories pop up, and for that moment and weeks after, I loose the joy in the things that make me feel vulnerable. 

But, I always return. 

I hope it rains today. That the grey skies produce soft droplets to coat the leaves and dampen the earth of its plants. That the sun take a break, and rejoice in the love of nature. 

I pray my heart continues to mend, and my tears roll less and less. 

I always think of you. Of what I would write, or what I would share. I take the pictures, and then I fold like a flower when the sun sets. But as the sun gets stronger and clouds become sparse, I too take comfort in the suns rays, and the lack of rain. It is nature, after all.                                                  

Family and Depression

My little guy is turning 7! He changed my life. Everyday before and after felt like an absolute struggle. So many things had to go wrong in life...And yet, it has all been the most important of lessons. Empathy comes to mind. 

The struggle with my mother (constant verbal fights), and my father being there, but not present, and the ever deafening sound of the need for money to be sent to their home country, left little time for me, for us as a family. I had little emotional connection in this world...When I found out I was pregnant, just months before my wedding, I felt so alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I truly felt, I would explode in sadness, anger. Shame came to mind then. Life; comes to mind know. 

When my baby was born back in March of 2014, I fell into deeper depression, not knowing how to accept love and kindness, I turned away any help, any love by his family and my own. I turned away from my baby and my husband. A long time went by. I tried asking for help, but it just never felt like it was the right fit. Deepening my struggle with PMDD and depression. 

I regret the years that flowed, it would of been so much wiser to stop and pick up the phone. To stop the struggle and to grow! But I did the opposite. Don't do that. Seek help, of any type, spiritual, mental, physical, just find the way to make yourself whole. You know how it feels to be less than your personal best, it just does not fly. 

My children taught me I needed to find a better version of me. I needed to be kind to those that really loved me. I know my parents love me, but their love is contrived in who they were when they were growing  up, in the interactions of their past. I can't fault them, but I must also strive to be better in my life and for my family. To find the help I know I needed. I am growing in acceptance that people in this world do love me and thankfully they live right here with me. The love they have for me; it took too many years to become thankful.

Go give someone a hug <3

Love, 

Kathy

Racism and my day (cussing, soooo, you know...)

Racism is sickening. No matter how much you try to see over that and search for the human under the grotesque ideals, they prove they are just stuck in their shit mentality. 

The way people throw ugly words around and expect others to listen is wrong and disgusting. Fine! "That's their opinion" BUT that does not mean others need to be subjugated to disrespect. Hurling hate is disrespectful to everyone. We can no longer stand by our kin or anyone else being hateful. I won't allow a loved one to use hateful words in a way they see as common or justified. 

This world is evolving. This world is filled with people. Good, bad. Fucking people. We have skin color, deal the fuck with it. Learn to look beyond that and open your heart to love. Love is blind...

Today was a great day, until someone turned love into hate. 

Well, I put him in his place! I am his big sister! What I say fucking matters!

 

Love & deep breaths, 

Kat