How I speak to my children after I have a depressive or PMDD episode

 Yesterday was not good. 

Seven days before my period and I felt like I couldn't handle life. 

This is a safe place. I can tell you about my life, honestly. 

Yesterday I felt like I hated being a mother. 

These feelings are not for the first time, but yesterday I had a meeting, and my son was having a tough day understating he would have to spend some independent time doing homework, reading and using technology. I attempted to set it all up, talk to him and share my expectations. He came out during the meeting, twice. Wanted to have a whole conversation about how he felt he had worked for an hour already (he hadn't). I was already dealing with my daughter not wanting to engage with her speech instructor via Zoom. I was loosing control and I couldn't deal with it. 

I cried, I was so distraught over the feeling he was being "bad." I was tired of dealing with his behavior. I spiraled pretty bad, I felt terrible. I wanted to die. I just kept telling myself that the circumstances were not worth the thoughts of death. It does not warrant wanting to die. And it doesn't. Today, my son is sharing with his sister and playing with her without being rough. He's 7 and she's 3. He wants a buddy to rough house with and she thinks she can handle it (she can, which causes him to want to be more rough, ugh!). I took the time tell him I was proud of how he was acting this morning. Proud he was being a patient brother. I can't just point out the bad behavior, I must strive to point out the good. I can't just scold all day, cry and pretend like I should act like that.

On hard days like yesterday, I try to make it a point to speak to him about it at the end of the day. We talk about where it went awry and what we could do to make it better. I love him, but having kids and not being mentally ready has made a lot of anger bubble over the years. Not all women think this way, but I think the things that happened in my childhood and PMDD make it hard for me bond with my children over their behavior. I'm still working on that, but I can tell you there has never been a night I don't tell my children I love him. 

PMDD and depression can be overwhelming, but the feelings don't last forever BUT they are strong! Please seek help if you feel so sad and overwhelmed you can't function. It isn't normal to feel like you'd rather die. 

I talked myself into taking a shower, getting ready and even going to the market. That's the first time I've gone out after a PMDD/depressive episode. It helped us all to get some fresh air and think of groceries and yummy treats and not just of what happened during the day. 

Taking a step back during those episodes & talking about what happened honestly, helps build for a better tomorrow. 

Negativity and looking in the mirror

I never wore makeup in high school. I think it was more common then to see girls, makeup free. I don't think I even plucked my eyebrows. I'm the oldest of three boys, so I never had someone to teach me makeup or buy it with.

When I graduated high school at 17, in the early 2000's I went straight to CSULB. That was a struggle in itself. I never fit in. In high school I did not care. But in university that changed. I felt alone. I didn't make friends, and getting into groups was intimating and the feeling, fleeting. 

During that time,  I start working at an arcade. I loved it! I loved the people there. The girls really took me under their wing. I let my wild side show and I was untamable! Aaaah, to be young. After working there two or three years, I had to stop because I was in my last year at CSULB and that meant 'Student teaching' in a classroom setting, supervised by an actual teacher. I also had a shit experience there. So I saw my friends less, but we tried to hang out when our schedules allowed it. 

We all finally made it to L.A. Live in Downtown Los Angeles for drinks and dinner one Saturday evening. I was gifted a beautiful pink jacket by a student during this time and couldn't wait to wear it. I was also using tutorials on YouTube to learn to do my makeup. This was circa 2010. After talking and eating, as a group of like 8 girls we go to the restroom and take a bathroom pic. When my friend looks at the pictures, and almost in shock, she says, "Kathy (Pause) you look (pause) good?"  Like what did you expect? Ugly duckling status? Maybe. I've always had it in me, I just never put the effort in myself. Time taught me to find myself, and makeup played a role. Make up is art. I felt creative on top of feeling beautiful. I was using the tools (they were the first to tell me to wear make up) and empowerment my friends taught me and made myself feel better about my appearance. 

When that happened in the restroom it was life letting me know I am beautiful, I have value, the bomb!

I have a hard time looking at my body, my face and loving what I see. I'll critic my body, my face, or better yet, avoid the mirror. I've gotten better at it though, I am me! I will still walk by a mirror, but more often I'll stop, smile at myself and keep on walking. Years later I still think about my friend  making me feel ugly by telling me I looked "good." My brain often takes hold of what I perceive as bad and makes it worse. But it was not like that at all, I looked more beautiful than she could ever imagine.

Once in Las Vegas, with my then fiancé, I go to the restroom by myself. I rush by the mirror and do my business. As I am washing my hands, I finally decide to check myself in the mirror. For me, at that time, it took courage and talking to myself to do it. And I see this beautiful face looking back at me. Years later that Vegas memory brings a smile to my face. Thoughts about ourselves should not be harsh. If they are, it isn't your heart speaking. Bad thoughts can blind us and diminish our self esteem but we are all worthy of feeling good and proud of ourselves. Makeup and friendships were a catalyst to my transformation. 

Forever grateful. 

-Kat

Potty Training Update - Things I've learned.

It was becoming too much to hold her hand while she went poop. Especially since she enjoyed it so much she changed her poop schedule. She used to poop one time, after breakfast. Now she gets excited about going to the restroom and doing a combo of 1 and 2's. 

In order to get her off my hand so I could actually get feeling back into it, I gave her a stuffed animal to hold. I sit the stuffed animal next to the bowl and give her its hand. It is not the stuffed animal she sleeps with, and she knows to ask for it or grab it when she needs to. At times she'll want to hold my hand, I mostly tell her I have to clean something and bring her the stuffed animal. I don't want to continue a habit I want her to break. If she catches me just on the phone, sitting on the couch, I'll hold her hand, can't say no. 

We are buying the last pack of diapers for her. SOOOO awesome! I am buying one small pack and that's it. We will try 100% undies after that. She is learning to wipe herself. I have to let her go for it and try her best to clean her booty. The idea of no diapers at night does worry us, but I saw a hack! To use water resistant bed covers that go under the bead sheet. 

The idea is to make two water resistant layers. By covering the mattress with a water resistant cover, then a fitted sheet over both cover and mattress, then adding a second layer of water resistant cover and a fitted sheet covering the whole thing. If she has an accident I don't have to search for sheets. I can pull off the wet sheet and bed cover, change her and get her back into bed. I'll let you know when It comes in handy. 

I also saw a post that said we should let kids potty train as they see they are ready. I believe that is true. Scrambling to try to teach a child to potty train when school is starting or daycare needs it can be hard on the child and the family. My biggest advice is buy a potty early, in my opinion between 2-3 years old is a good time, and have it around for them to explore. As they see you go to the restroom they will want to copy you. New things are often scary to children, so crying is a part of their development. Don't take it personal. They can and will do it. Positive reinforcement can come in many ways, find a way to communicate that helps them feel good about their accomplishments, however small. But also encourages them to try new things even if they are scary. Not forcing, but expressing understanding in their fearfulness while also letting them know they are safe. Learning to potty without a diaper is a normal part of become a big boy or girl or person, or being. 

I hope this helps. This second potty training has been pleasant, never thought I'd write that. 

Thank you for reading, 

Kathy