Look. I'ma be real.
I always knew my periods were something else.
But I never knew when. Couldn't get the timing right.
Like my anger was so maddening. I would not be myself. I'm a happy person. I love to love. But I also have a dark side. Angry. Frustrated. Lashing out. When I was young, it was worse. It just felt like me. Always mad was the norm. I never got help for it when I was young. Just this week, my brother said to me, when you get mad, it's like the world ended.
I had to take a step back. And realize that I am no longer who he thinks I am.
Over time, you begin to grow (I am talking mental growth, not the years type, those years can come and go without any ACTUAL growth). It may take years, but you begin to see patterns in your life. I finally have.
I saw my anger pattern. The type of mad I was yesterday is not everyday. I was mad at my baby girl, she's an angel, and I know better, but yesterday I had to step away and be angry for a bit. Put her in her crib and feel.
Sometimes, in the midst, I can't stop it. I get angry. At stupid things.
My anger boiled over yesterday cus I was late to pick up my son from Kindergarten, and people wouldn't move. They were legit just oblivious to life, they were so into their conversations. And here I came, like a dog out of it's yard for the first time, on a mission to go. A bitch. I said I'd keep it real.
I got angry with my family too. Apologizing all the time, because the anger I felt was real. It clouded my judgement. Made me who I am not.
I cried and cried. What is wrong with me.
In the past, that anger would have lasted all day. But it didn't. Yesterday was a surprise, because I was that mad, it had been so long.
I was looking at my period tracker app. I was ovulating and yesterday and today were a huge rollercoaster.
...
After the birth of my son, I fell into deep depression, which I masked. I began this blog because of it. I finally spoke to my doctor before the birth of my daughter in 2017. Although her treatment didn't work, I was able to see that it was not me. It was the hormones. I began to take a Vitamin B complex that does work, but I find isn't enough for me, because of yesterday, ugh.
Yesterday was tough. I cried. I screamed. I'm ashamed. I asked God why. Like, tf! this isn't fair....Llama doesn't like to...nevermind.
Ladies, it isn't you, its the hormones! I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) I have tracked my ovulation and period for three months and have found a pattern. I don't want to go to the doctor and be put on medication. I have done that to my body twice and have found myself in deeper darkness. But that is not to say medication wont work for others. You do not deserve to go through the anger or irritability. You deserve to shine the brightest you ever have. Today and always.
Take care,
Kat
P.S. Two reads on Premenstrual dysphoric disorder A and B
Both from American Family Physician a medical journal.