She told me I have issues with the word 'NO'

During my last therapy session my therapist seemed frustrated by me. 

I've wondered when her life and her job would collide. She's a professional, but also a human being. I was grappling with how to feel about her seemingly frustrated tone of voice. I spoke to my husband and I was able to separate her frustration from myself. I have no control over her feelings towards me. She has never made me feel like I should doubt her ability to do her job. She was having a difficult day, a difficult case. Whatever it is, I can't dwell on it. But if she were to act like that again, I'd probably ask for another therapist, 

We spoke of two things that really impacted me:

*I am not responsible for others' mental health. 

I am not responsible for what others' perceive of this world. I cannot dwell on what someone else will or will not do. 

*She said, "You have issues with the word 'no'"

UMMMM yeah! Angry was the way I've always been. Used to be, excuse me. I felt like I could never speak up. My voice was always drowned out by my mom's or my brother's. Today, when I feel like other people don't want to listen to me, I get upset. I judge the person, because to me, I make sense. The real problem, though, is the anger and/or attitude that came with that opinion. I can have strong opinions but cursing and arguing are not the way. 

As an exercise, she told me to write down No sentences to myself and husband. Things I don't like that he does. He needs to write me some 'no' sentences too, and we will share them with each other. Just writing some sentences down, made me feel less tense. It got me to crack open my laptop. 

Thankful for another day, 

Kathy 

I've been chillin'

It's been good. 

I have lay on the couch and relaxed for weeks. I do it for an hour or two when no one is home. It's quiet. A pandemic year and here we are finally alone with my thoughts. 

I hadn't done that without being sad, ever. 

I just wanted to remind myself that I don't have to DO! 

Sometimes I regret not making this or doing that when she's napping and he's at school. I'll rush around when they are both in the living room, and maybe leave them on their own for an hour too long. But, the world keeps turning. 

Two weeks ago I spoke to my therapist and she was upset. I think she was ready to cut me loose. She figures I found ways to cope since I am not having negative thoughts. She asked me if I thought I was ready to end therapy. HUH!!! I was not ready for that question. She seemed irate with me when I said I didin't know how to answer her. 

I'm thankful for all the therapy Ive had, if the old me would of encountered that situation I don't know if I would have been able to shake it off. Not just that but also reflect, find humor, and understanding in her feelings and my own. Shoot, it isn't a bad thing! I am doing better. 

Tomorrow is a full day. Maybe the last therapy and me! (dun, dun, dun). I also speak to my psychiatrist, whom I have not spoken to in months!

I am on 20mg of Lexapro. I'm feeling really good today, but a few days ago, around my period, I wasn't. Nothing is perfect. Nothing. Sometimes the perceptions of perfection are so distorted we lie to ourselves and hide the truth. Minds play tricks. Alas, nothing but inner work and kindness can change certain mindsets. 

I'm rambling. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday. 

Love, 

Kathy