Being at the hospital was scary. Before I delivered I was worried about what might happen at the hospital. I wondered if I would heal, how my baby would look...Once we left the hospital with my baby, prior to his first "Baby Well Visit," leaving the hospital seemed like a natural and expected outcome.
When we had to go back to the hospital with my son, my expectations shifted. I felt relieved to be there. There was always a nurse coming in and out checking on my son. My little one was safe and comfortable under the bililights.
After those 3 days and 2 nights at the hospital, we were ready to sleep in our bed and eat food other than cafeteria grub, but I was worried. We were leaving the safety of the hospital. It was time to be a mommy, without the help. My husband had taken a week off from work to help out at home, and we spent it all at the hospital. That meant that starting that following Monday I'd be all by myself with my son. Of course, that's something amazing, but due to having the C-Section, I felt that it would be difficult to lift my son, feed him and everything that comes along with it.
Thankfully that was all me. I was telling myself that it would be hard to take care of my boy. With time it became easier to take care of him and myself. But some days were difficult. Not making milk made me fall into depression. Along with all the hormones and the bleeding and the baby crying that comes with having a child, I found it difficult to disconnect from my mind. Many of the things I did were automatic. Feeding, changing, crying. I've always been an emotional person, born a Cancer, the motherly figure of the zodiac, always wearing her heart on her sleeve...Many of days were too much for me. There were days when I had to walk away while my son cried in the other room. I never left him for more than a few minutes, but that time in between moods allowed me time to gather myself. I don't remember being sad every day. But when I was, those days were dark. I was hard on myself about my lack of milk. I hated myself. I felt like an unfit Mom.
The first 6 months of my sons life were extremely difficult. Trying to judge how much food he was eating from my breasts was not an easy task. At night, He would feed, seem satisfied, sleep for 2 hours and would wake up crying just to do it all over again, and again, and again. There was a suspicion that he might have Colic, but his patterns didn't fit that diagnosis. At our wits end, we made an appointment to see his pediatrician. It was recommended that we change his formula from Regular Enfamil to Enfamil Gentlease. As the weeks went on, his tummy seemed more and more receptive to the Gentleases formula. Although his sleeping patterns have improved, my little guy still has tummy issues to this day. They are not severe, but new foods take his intestines for a loop.
Over time the feelings started to drift. As I got more sleep and more time to heal, I felt better. My husband began to take over late night feedings and that helped a lot. As months went by, I learned his patterns. I began to understand him better and had a bond with a little guy that was more than just a sleeping, eating, pooping machine. The first time he flashed a smile at me, I cherished the moment for many, many days. It was a confirmation that my little dude was happy. I had prayed for 6 long months for things to get better, to forget about my inequalities and to put the second hospital stay in the past. When I was finally able to catch his smile in a picture, I printed it out and put it up in his room. That little moment in time always put a smile on my lips.
Almost 16 months after his birth, watching him sleep through the baby monitor, I am appreciative of all the ups and the downs. Today, I can see how I have changed from the day I found out I was pregnant. I am a better human. More caring and loving. I know life doesn't outright tell us why shit happens, and that can be frustrating and ego shattering. In my case, I'm thankful for all the broken glass. I've always felt like a strong woman. Capable of anything, yet having a baby was never something I thought would just happen, one day. I thought I'd plan it, we'd go for it and eventually a child would be born. When I had my son at 29, unplanned, time had caught up to me! And in turn it seemed to slow down for me. I was growing a human in my body!
Writing this blog takes me back to when he was a teeny tiny guy. I hold him and snuggle him closer because of that. Although SOMETIMES those first 6 months SUCKED!! SOOO BAD! It no longer matters. All those are just memories...
Rambling on,
-km