For many women the thought of buying maternity clothes to showcase their "bump" is exciting.
For me, it wasn't.
The first time I walked into Motherhood Maternity (a maternity clothing store in So. Cal) I was looking for clothing that would hide the fact I was pregnant. When I told that to the sales person, she gave me a funny stare and told me most clothes were made to showcase the "bump." I worried. I really didn't want to show it off. I wanted to remain as professional as possible at my job. It was as if being pregnant somehow made my hard work seem insignificant. I work with young children and cringed at the thought of explaining my situation to them. Children ask anything and everything, I didn't want to deal with their questions. In my eyes, my fear was even more complex because I KNEW parents would gossip. So I had to worry about kids and their parents, I was confused about how to approach the situation. I felt as if I was thrown into this situation, specially since our pregnancy was sudden and sadly unplanned.
At work, no one really knew I was getting married, besides those I closely worked with. The title of Ms. was still in front of my last name. I really worried about what others would say/think about me. These thoughts put a real strain on my fiance. He bravely helped me pick out clothing for work, knowing that I might explode into crying, just about begging for the entire situation to go away. For the record, "getting rid" of this baby was NEVER an option. Even though the doctor that told me I was pregnant had mentioned the possibility of an abortion. I remember thinking NO, NEVER.
So for about 2 successful months, (I was 4 months pregnant at the time) I was able to conceal the "bump" but after that, it was impossible. It was as if the kid had popped out over night. It was a devastating blow to my ego. There was no denying I was pregnant. I started getting stares. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Until finally a parent asked me how many months I was. I politely told her, but inside, I died a little. Once I got home that day my fiance got to hear how petrified I felt about the situation. That I wished this wasn't happening to me...
This all stemmed for the fact my wedding was coming fast. If parents knew I was pregnant because I was showing, how in the world would I fit into my dress???? And feel pretty? And look good? I was heartbroken. We had planned our wedding for over 2 years. I had found my perfect dress, and on one summer day in July, it no longer was. The guilt ate me up every day. I felt like a looser getting married and being pregnant. I had never imagined that would happen to me.
Bless those women who feel beautiful and radiant during their pregnancies. I know I will feel like that when we conceive again. And I'm excited to use all that expensive clothing I bought (Maternity clothing is grossly overpriced!). Bless my husband, who was amazing through it all. He has always been my rock. Without his support everything would have felt too heavy to manage. He gave me reality checks when my brain went to worst case scenarios. He's the love of my life and an amazing father to our beautiful little boy
Thinking about it now, I see how silly it was to feel the way I did. It was justified, though. My feelings of shame were real, honest and raw. Looking into my little boys face makes me realize that I could have embraced the situation with a better outlook. I cried so much those months. I hated life at times. Yet I know how much my sons presence has made me love life today. I hold on to those memories much more lightheartedly than I ever thought I would. It's a lesson in not being so dramatic, and to often think: Things will turn out alright!