Like I have stated in the past, my pregnancy was not planned. I was in this fog of good feelings. I felt like everything was going great. I was working out, getting my body ready for my wedding. I was determined to loose weight and achieve the body I had ALWAYS wanted. I have been a chubby girl all my life. When I was younger I was extremely overweight. After I became a vegetarian I lost weight, but never worked out enough to tone my body. Since I knew my wedding was fast approaching I decided to give P90X a try. I LOVED it! It brought on fast results. I had lost 10 pounds in a month!
Unfortunately, in the process, I had also forgotten to take my birth control pills. I remember the day I got pregnant. It was amazing. I could go into details, but let's just say it was the best night ever. Over a year later, I can still remember the sensations of that night. I also remember thinking, "Did you take your pill?" In the middle of the deed. I was so far into the night, the thought of stopping was not really an option. I figured, I'll just take it in the morning and double up. ALSO, I thought the pill (I thought it was just 1) I had missed was the end of the month dosage. The dosage that doesn't have the medication so that you may have your period...
Cut to the next morning. I get up, head to my medicine cabinet, which is actually just my dresser drawers top drawer, pull out the pills and...OH SHIT! I hadn't taken the pill in 3 days! What!!! I can honestly tell you I hadn't even thought that could have been a possibility. I had no recollection of NOT taking the pills. To make matters worse they were not the end of the month pills, they were the pearly white ones, ugh! I popped the 3 pills into my mouth and didn't think about the possibility of an egg being fertilized in my body at the same exact time. I was probably in denial. Not really thinking about the situation, not wanting to think about the situation. Ah! To be stupid!
In all honesty, I had forgotten to take a pill here in there. I didn't happen often, I certainly never meant to make it a habit. I had been taking birth control pills for over 3 years and had popped two pills at a time when I had forgotten to take the pill the day before, without consequences. This was the first time it was 3.
My advice is a no brainer...be mindful of what can happen if you don't take the pill correctly. Make an effort to remember to take it. Although I don't regret having my son, I do imagine how life would have been if I had been more careful...Maybe I'd be having a child this month...
Still, I know that god sent my son to me to help me learn to appreciate life. I try to do so with a happier heart each and every day.
I am a mother and former teacher. With some bumps along the way, I have documented my personal journey through post partum depression and currently writing about my life with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). Let's connect: Instagram: sun_evue . Twitter: @catsgonuts
Our Blog
My pregnancy was normal, for the most part. But there were occurrences that happened along the way that changed things up. Even now, almost three months since my baby was born, things are not as normal as I wish they could be. I have learned to come to terms with many of the things that have happened since becoming pregnant. My hope is that this blog helps someone that is going through some of the experiences I have, feel better or to begin to prepare for what is to come.
Above all, know that if things are not as they "should" be, it is still your experience, make the most of what is to come, or what is already here.
Much love!
KM
Above all, know that if things are not as they "should" be, it is still your experience, make the most of what is to come, or what is already here.
Much love!
KM
Jo-Ann and the Miscarriage (graphic)
The title to this post sounds like a rock band. That day was one hell of a mosh pit! My emotions were beyond jerked around. That was the day I knew I wanted this child. The day I realized how volatile life can be...one day you are semi happy, the next day life becomes a wreck.
Lui and I walked into Jo-Ann's looking for something for our wedding, I can't even remember what it was. I had been feeling good, hardly showing my pregnancy and feeling better from my morning sickness. I was also still able to fit into one of my favorite pair of jeans. As we walked down an isle I started to feel wetness in my underpants. I thought it was some discharge and I needed to buy some underwear pads. We kept walking. I then felt a gush of something come out. I grabbed Lui's hand and told him I was wet. We looked for a restroom, luckily one was near by. I walked into the handicap stall (which, by the way, is one of the dirtiest stalls in a restroom, turns out everyone likes to go to the back when they need to "go") and saw blood. Red, awful blood. As I sat on the toilet staring at the blood on my underwear and my favorite pair of jeans, I felt something come out. My heart raced. My baby? I quickly got up, pants around my knees, blood all over my underwear, and I peered into the toilet. Could that little sack be my baby? NO!!!! As I stared at the sack, trying to figure out what I was looking at, the toilet flushed by itself!!!!!! I started to scream and cry. I wasn't able to tell my baby good bye.
I walked outside, Lui had tears in his eyes. He had heard my screams. We quickly walked out of Jo-Ann's and got into his truck, we were on our way to the emergency room. I was crying in the car, describing what I had just seen. I kept saying, "If our baby is gone we will try for another as soon as we can." I could no longer envision my life without a baby. Lui had been so happy when he found out we were expecting. He had wanted a baby for a very long time. My heart broke at the thought of him not having this baby and not becoming a father.
Luckily for us we were close to a hospital. Unlucky for us, we went to the wrong building. We had walked all around the building looking for an emergency room. As I walked I felt very uncomfortable. We got back into our car and drove to the correct building. At Urgent care I described what had happened. She told me to go to the Emergency room instead, but to make sure not to walk there, that I would loose more blood that way. Damn!
As we walked into the emergency room I was relieved there were not many people there. I began to wonder what others were there for. We waited to be admitted. I also thought about what I had seen in the restroom. I thought about my life. They called my name. I walked in and they asked lui to wait outside. They took my blood pressure, my weight and lastly, my story. Having to retell the story made me tear up. They quickly asked if I had someone with me. Lui walked in and saw me crying. He held my hand. We walked to another room where we waited for over 20 minutes for the doctor to come in. Again the story was told. He asked for the color of the sack (red) and the size (small). He told me they would have to wait for an ultrasound to determine if I had had a miscarriage. We waited for what felt like an eternity. Lui and I spoke about what might happen, we prayed that the baby was OK. We said we would go to In-N-Out if everything turned out all right.
When the ultrasound person came in she told me she would take me to another room and apologized for the unusually long wait. She wheeled me off and Lui came with us. She applied a lubricant on my belly and began to look for a baby. She looked for some time. I was worried her silence and moving the wand she was using all around my belly was a bad sign. The monitor she was looking at was turned so neither Lui or I could see it. I thought she would deliver the worst news.
Then she turned the monitor and said, here is your baby. She told us his heartbeat was great and didn't seem to be in distress. I looked at Lui and we smiled. Our baby was OK!!!!! The doctor came in and told us the great news again. It turns out having intercourse can cause blood to clot. We had had sex just a few days before!! He told us no more sex until we spoke to our OBGYN (our OB told us to not have sex for a month).
After leaving the hospital after over 2 hours, we headed to our local In-N-Out, now that's what a grilled cheese and animal style fries is all about!
Lui and I walked into Jo-Ann's looking for something for our wedding, I can't even remember what it was. I had been feeling good, hardly showing my pregnancy and feeling better from my morning sickness. I was also still able to fit into one of my favorite pair of jeans. As we walked down an isle I started to feel wetness in my underpants. I thought it was some discharge and I needed to buy some underwear pads. We kept walking. I then felt a gush of something come out. I grabbed Lui's hand and told him I was wet. We looked for a restroom, luckily one was near by. I walked into the handicap stall (which, by the way, is one of the dirtiest stalls in a restroom, turns out everyone likes to go to the back when they need to "go") and saw blood. Red, awful blood. As I sat on the toilet staring at the blood on my underwear and my favorite pair of jeans, I felt something come out. My heart raced. My baby? I quickly got up, pants around my knees, blood all over my underwear, and I peered into the toilet. Could that little sack be my baby? NO!!!! As I stared at the sack, trying to figure out what I was looking at, the toilet flushed by itself!!!!!! I started to scream and cry. I wasn't able to tell my baby good bye.
I walked outside, Lui had tears in his eyes. He had heard my screams. We quickly walked out of Jo-Ann's and got into his truck, we were on our way to the emergency room. I was crying in the car, describing what I had just seen. I kept saying, "If our baby is gone we will try for another as soon as we can." I could no longer envision my life without a baby. Lui had been so happy when he found out we were expecting. He had wanted a baby for a very long time. My heart broke at the thought of him not having this baby and not becoming a father.
Luckily for us we were close to a hospital. Unlucky for us, we went to the wrong building. We had walked all around the building looking for an emergency room. As I walked I felt very uncomfortable. We got back into our car and drove to the correct building. At Urgent care I described what had happened. She told me to go to the Emergency room instead, but to make sure not to walk there, that I would loose more blood that way. Damn!
As we walked into the emergency room I was relieved there were not many people there. I began to wonder what others were there for. We waited to be admitted. I also thought about what I had seen in the restroom. I thought about my life. They called my name. I walked in and they asked lui to wait outside. They took my blood pressure, my weight and lastly, my story. Having to retell the story made me tear up. They quickly asked if I had someone with me. Lui walked in and saw me crying. He held my hand. We walked to another room where we waited for over 20 minutes for the doctor to come in. Again the story was told. He asked for the color of the sack (red) and the size (small). He told me they would have to wait for an ultrasound to determine if I had had a miscarriage. We waited for what felt like an eternity. Lui and I spoke about what might happen, we prayed that the baby was OK. We said we would go to In-N-Out if everything turned out all right.
When the ultrasound person came in she told me she would take me to another room and apologized for the unusually long wait. She wheeled me off and Lui came with us. She applied a lubricant on my belly and began to look for a baby. She looked for some time. I was worried her silence and moving the wand she was using all around my belly was a bad sign. The monitor she was looking at was turned so neither Lui or I could see it. I thought she would deliver the worst news.
Then she turned the monitor and said, here is your baby. She told us his heartbeat was great and didn't seem to be in distress. I looked at Lui and we smiled. Our baby was OK!!!!! The doctor came in and told us the great news again. It turns out having intercourse can cause blood to clot. We had had sex just a few days before!! He told us no more sex until we spoke to our OBGYN (our OB told us to not have sex for a month).
After leaving the hospital after over 2 hours, we headed to our local In-N-Out, now that's what a grilled cheese and animal style fries is all about!
Maternity clothing, guilt made me do it.
For many women the thought of buying maternity clothes to showcase their "bump" is exciting.
For me, it wasn't.
The first time I walked into Motherhood Maternity (a maternity clothing store in So. Cal) I was looking for clothing that would hide the fact I was pregnant. When I told that to the sales person, she gave me a funny stare and told me most clothes were made to showcase the "bump." I worried. I really didn't want to show it off. I wanted to remain as professional as possible at my job. It was as if being pregnant somehow made my hard work seem insignificant. I work with young children and cringed at the thought of explaining my situation to them. Children ask anything and everything, I didn't want to deal with their questions. In my eyes, my fear was even more complex because I KNEW parents would gossip. So I had to worry about kids and their parents, I was confused about how to approach the situation. I felt as if I was thrown into this situation, specially since our pregnancy was sudden and sadly unplanned.
At work, no one really knew I was getting married, besides those I closely worked with. The title of Ms. was still in front of my last name. I really worried about what others would say/think about me. These thoughts put a real strain on my fiance. He bravely helped me pick out clothing for work, knowing that I might explode into crying, just about begging for the entire situation to go away. For the record, "getting rid" of this baby was NEVER an option. Even though the doctor that told me I was pregnant had mentioned the possibility of an abortion. I remember thinking NO, NEVER.
So for about 2 successful months, (I was 4 months pregnant at the time) I was able to conceal the "bump" but after that, it was impossible. It was as if the kid had popped out over night. It was a devastating blow to my ego. There was no denying I was pregnant. I started getting stares. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Until finally a parent asked me how many months I was. I politely told her, but inside, I died a little. Once I got home that day my fiance got to hear how petrified I felt about the situation. That I wished this wasn't happening to me...
This all stemmed for the fact my wedding was coming fast. If parents knew I was pregnant because I was showing, how in the world would I fit into my dress???? And feel pretty? And look good? I was heartbroken. We had planned our wedding for over 2 years. I had found my perfect dress, and on one summer day in July, it no longer was. The guilt ate me up every day. I felt like a looser getting married and being pregnant. I had never imagined that would happen to me.
Bless those women who feel beautiful and radiant during their pregnancies. I know I will feel like that when we conceive again. And I'm excited to use all that expensive clothing I bought (Maternity clothing is grossly overpriced!). Bless my husband, who was amazing through it all. He has always been my rock. Without his support everything would have felt too heavy to manage. He gave me reality checks when my brain went to worst case scenarios. He's the love of my life and an amazing father to our beautiful little boy
Thinking about it now, I see how silly it was to feel the way I did. It was justified, though. My feelings of shame were real, honest and raw. Looking into my little boys face makes me realize that I could have embraced the situation with a better outlook. I cried so much those months. I hated life at times. Yet I know how much my sons presence has made me love life today. I hold on to those memories much more lightheartedly than I ever thought I would. It's a lesson in not being so dramatic, and to often think: Things will turn out alright!
For me, it wasn't.
The first time I walked into Motherhood Maternity (a maternity clothing store in So. Cal) I was looking for clothing that would hide the fact I was pregnant. When I told that to the sales person, she gave me a funny stare and told me most clothes were made to showcase the "bump." I worried. I really didn't want to show it off. I wanted to remain as professional as possible at my job. It was as if being pregnant somehow made my hard work seem insignificant. I work with young children and cringed at the thought of explaining my situation to them. Children ask anything and everything, I didn't want to deal with their questions. In my eyes, my fear was even more complex because I KNEW parents would gossip. So I had to worry about kids and their parents, I was confused about how to approach the situation. I felt as if I was thrown into this situation, specially since our pregnancy was sudden and sadly unplanned.
At work, no one really knew I was getting married, besides those I closely worked with. The title of Ms. was still in front of my last name. I really worried about what others would say/think about me. These thoughts put a real strain on my fiance. He bravely helped me pick out clothing for work, knowing that I might explode into crying, just about begging for the entire situation to go away. For the record, "getting rid" of this baby was NEVER an option. Even though the doctor that told me I was pregnant had mentioned the possibility of an abortion. I remember thinking NO, NEVER.
So for about 2 successful months, (I was 4 months pregnant at the time) I was able to conceal the "bump" but after that, it was impossible. It was as if the kid had popped out over night. It was a devastating blow to my ego. There was no denying I was pregnant. I started getting stares. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Until finally a parent asked me how many months I was. I politely told her, but inside, I died a little. Once I got home that day my fiance got to hear how petrified I felt about the situation. That I wished this wasn't happening to me...
This all stemmed for the fact my wedding was coming fast. If parents knew I was pregnant because I was showing, how in the world would I fit into my dress???? And feel pretty? And look good? I was heartbroken. We had planned our wedding for over 2 years. I had found my perfect dress, and on one summer day in July, it no longer was. The guilt ate me up every day. I felt like a looser getting married and being pregnant. I had never imagined that would happen to me.
Bless those women who feel beautiful and radiant during their pregnancies. I know I will feel like that when we conceive again. And I'm excited to use all that expensive clothing I bought (Maternity clothing is grossly overpriced!). Bless my husband, who was amazing through it all. He has always been my rock. Without his support everything would have felt too heavy to manage. He gave me reality checks when my brain went to worst case scenarios. He's the love of my life and an amazing father to our beautiful little boy
Thinking about it now, I see how silly it was to feel the way I did. It was justified, though. My feelings of shame were real, honest and raw. Looking into my little boys face makes me realize that I could have embraced the situation with a better outlook. I cried so much those months. I hated life at times. Yet I know how much my sons presence has made me love life today. I hold on to those memories much more lightheartedly than I ever thought I would. It's a lesson in not being so dramatic, and to often think: Things will turn out alright!
How We Shared Our Pregnancy
Lui and I had decided we wanted to make our announcement to our parents special, yet a bit sneaky. We had just gotten our 2nd set of ultrasounds. We had decided not to tell our parents until after our 2nd month had passed. For some reason I kept thinking something could happen to our baby. Still on vacation and feeling really rough morning sickness I lay in bed watching TV. A segment on Making a Shadow Box came out on a show called Deals. After watching the segment I thought it was an interesting way to share with our parents that we were pregnant.
Lui and I purchased two black shadow boxes, as well as glitter paper. We used ultrasound pictures and pictures of both of us to add to the shadow box. We decided that the pictures of us should be recent, recent enough that I should be pregnant in them, even though I was not showing. We wrapped both of the boxes up like presents and proceeded to visit each of our parents' homes.
Lui's parents were outside, talking. I brought out the gift and told them it was for both of them. They debated on who should open the gift. Lui and I looked at each other nervously as we waited for their reaction. His mom was the one that opened the gift. At first she looked at it, then said, in Spanish, -!No lo puedo creer! (I can't belive it!). They hugged us and started to cry. His brothers came out and shyly gave us hugs too.
We then drove to my parents' home. Once they opened it their gift, their eyes lit up. My dad said, -!Ya era tiempo! (About time!). They hugged us and were super excited for the baby to come. They asked if everything was going well, and if we knew the gender. It was still to soon to find out. I thought that was the right time to tell my mom that I had found out I was pregnant they same day my grandmother passed. I also told her about my grandma coming by to say goodbye.
The shadow boxes were a great way to let our family know. It's great to go to their homes and see the boxes on display. When we get pregnant again, I hope to make another shadow box. I also plan on making shadow boxes about our wedding and our baby :)
In case you would like to learn how to make a shadow box, I have provided a link to the clip from the show.
Making a Shadow Box - Video of Show I watched that gave me the idea to build one!
Show: Deals
Host: Kat Cosley
Live Well Network
Lui and I purchased two black shadow boxes, as well as glitter paper. We used ultrasound pictures and pictures of both of us to add to the shadow box. We decided that the pictures of us should be recent, recent enough that I should be pregnant in them, even though I was not showing. We wrapped both of the boxes up like presents and proceeded to visit each of our parents' homes.
Lui's parents were outside, talking. I brought out the gift and told them it was for both of them. They debated on who should open the gift. Lui and I looked at each other nervously as we waited for their reaction. His mom was the one that opened the gift. At first she looked at it, then said, in Spanish, -!No lo puedo creer! (I can't belive it!). They hugged us and started to cry. His brothers came out and shyly gave us hugs too.
We then drove to my parents' home. Once they opened it their gift, their eyes lit up. My dad said, -!Ya era tiempo! (About time!). They hugged us and were super excited for the baby to come. They asked if everything was going well, and if we knew the gender. It was still to soon to find out. I thought that was the right time to tell my mom that I had found out I was pregnant they same day my grandmother passed. I also told her about my grandma coming by to say goodbye.
The shadow boxes were a great way to let our family know. It's great to go to their homes and see the boxes on display. When we get pregnant again, I hope to make another shadow box. I also plan on making shadow boxes about our wedding and our baby :)
In case you would like to learn how to make a shadow box, I have provided a link to the clip from the show.
Making a Shadow Box - Video of Show I watched that gave me the idea to build one!
Show: Deals
Host: Kat Cosley
Live Well Network
My Grandma Passes...soon uncle Tito does too...Secrets (semi) revealed
Sitting at the OBGYN on July 17th, minutes after my initial appointment, I waited for the doctor. As I sat in my "hospital" gown, I had plenty of time to look around. Right at eye level, a few feet away from me was one of those posters that show the growth of a fetus from day one, month one, to month nine. I kept thinking about where I might or might not be on that chart. How many months, or weeks could this little baby be? How would it feel to grow a person inside? Those thoughts came in between thinking what if it were dead inside of me now and if I would have to go through the process of getting our baby out if it were dead. As I sat and read each and every poster and stapled paper on the walls I caught something out of the corner of my eye. I followed what looked like flying mist until it disappeared. I had seen apparitions of that type before, actually quite a few times. I wasn't scared, maybe I was just seeing things that weren't there. Either way, I thought, "At least I'm not alone."
After finding out I was pregnant and the ultrasound showed that all looked normal, I left the doctors office and drove home holding my tummy. About 30 minutes after arriving home my phone rang. My brother was on the phone. He struggled to get it out, to tell me that my grandmother had passed away.
That took me back to the doctors office. The mist I had seen, my heart told me so, was my grandmother. She was telling me that I was not alone, that I was blessed to have this little baby inside, but also, to say good bye.
I told my brother my news. I told him how crazy it felt that the day I found out I was pregnant was the same day my grandmother passed away. Unfortunately I was torn about sharing the news with my Mom and Dad. I wanted to hold on to it longer, I hadn't even seen my fiance....Also, I felt immense guilt about finally getting married (we had been engaged for 3 years!) as a pregnant bride. I honestly felt shame. I didn't know how I would break the news to them without feeling like a total fool. My brain, I tell you!
I kept the secret for weeks, only to find out that on August 10th my uncle also passed. My dad's brother was now gone too. That made things even more delicate, at least in my eyes. Would I overshadow his passing by telling my family I was pregnant? Thinking about it today, perhaps I was using those passing as an excuses to not reveal my little secret. uffff!
I should not have waited that long. I made the mistake to telling a family member that I was pregnant. I trusted she wouldn't tell anyone. She did. That person then went and asked my parents if they were happy about my pregnancy. My parents were of course confused. Bless them, they never asked me. The person that told them was able to lie and make it sound like an embarrassing mistake on his part. I was really upset. My first kid and I wasn't the one to tell my parents first. Boo! I've learned my lesson.
After finding out I was pregnant and the ultrasound showed that all looked normal, I left the doctors office and drove home holding my tummy. About 30 minutes after arriving home my phone rang. My brother was on the phone. He struggled to get it out, to tell me that my grandmother had passed away.
That took me back to the doctors office. The mist I had seen, my heart told me so, was my grandmother. She was telling me that I was not alone, that I was blessed to have this little baby inside, but also, to say good bye.
I told my brother my news. I told him how crazy it felt that the day I found out I was pregnant was the same day my grandmother passed away. Unfortunately I was torn about sharing the news with my Mom and Dad. I wanted to hold on to it longer, I hadn't even seen my fiance....Also, I felt immense guilt about finally getting married (we had been engaged for 3 years!) as a pregnant bride. I honestly felt shame. I didn't know how I would break the news to them without feeling like a total fool. My brain, I tell you!
I kept the secret for weeks, only to find out that on August 10th my uncle also passed. My dad's brother was now gone too. That made things even more delicate, at least in my eyes. Would I overshadow his passing by telling my family I was pregnant? Thinking about it today, perhaps I was using those passing as an excuses to not reveal my little secret. uffff!
I should not have waited that long. I made the mistake to telling a family member that I was pregnant. I trusted she wouldn't tell anyone. She did. That person then went and asked my parents if they were happy about my pregnancy. My parents were of course confused. Bless them, they never asked me. The person that told them was able to lie and make it sound like an embarrassing mistake on his part. I was really upset. My first kid and I wasn't the one to tell my parents first. Boo! I've learned my lesson.
Expecting - July 17th 2013
That day was one of those out of body days. Those days that I can reflect on, live again, but still feel disconnected from. My life seemed simple enough, but there was a hiccup. I describe it that way because the morning of July 17th seemed as normal as any hot summer day. I was on vacation, which was soon to end, but I was trying to hold on to a smidge of happiness (my job brings me joy, but it also brings forth a lot of hard work). Lying at home, relaxing with a drink was my idea of a vacation. My fiance worked through the summer, so I was content filling days with TV, food and fun, until he arrived around 5:30pm and we got to do all of the above, together.
But back to the hiccup. I had been feeling sick for about a week. Hardcore, this is weird, sick. I had been feeling chest pains, much like heartburn. I had been running to the restroom trying to throw up whatever it was I had in my chest, finding that only foam would come out. This went on for about a week. My fiance told me to go to the doctor, but since it was only "heartburn" I decided to buy heartburn over-the-counter meds, swearing that would take care of it. It didn't. Finally I decided to make a doctors appointment. When I called I was told my doctor was out on maternity leave. I was excited for her, she seemed like a nice lady. I decided to book an appointment with the next available practitioner.
When I arrived at the doctors office I happily waited for my turn. I knew this was a routine thing. I thought he might have me change my diet or something. I had recently started doing P90X and was enjoying vitality, great health and happiness, having almost lost 10 pounds! Once I was called I walked into the cold room and undressed. Finally the doctor came in. He listened to my problem, nodded and told me, "Ok, we will start by giving you a routine pregnancy test, I doubt you are pregnant, but it's important to administer one." I said, "Sure." In my mind though, I thought, "What the f*** do you mean a pregnancy test? I'm not pregnant! I'm on birth control." Plus I had been spotting, so I knew it couldn't be that. Anyway, I peed in cup, and waited, and waited, and waited...by then I was concerned. Why would he have me wait so long! Finally he walked in. His face said more than any words could. He sat on one of those round chairs that roll, looked me straight in the eyes and said the words I dreaded to hear, "Ms. you are pregnant."
I looked at him, smiled and gave him a high five! I couldn't believe it! Reflecting on my reaction, I honestly don't know where that high five came from. It was so spur of the moment, it even startled him! Now for the sad part. Like I said, I had been spotting, which is why I never thought pregnancy could be an outcome. He sadly told me that one reason for the bleeding could be a miscarriage. I was stunned. I had just found out I had a baby inside, to then find out it might be dead? What a sad thought that was. But, and this is the sadder part, it brought along some comfort. The fact was this pregnancy was not planned. I was smack in the middle of planning my wedding. I had the dress picked out and there I sat, having that conversation. We were months away from our wedding date.
The doctor had me go directly to the OBGYN (Obstetrician/Gynecologist) for an ultrasound. I sat there, more nervous than ever. Emotions running wild. I felt sadness. My bursts of happiness were erased by the fact that I was once again, alone in a cold room, my fiance busy at work. I decided to call him, but he was unable to answer. Instead, I had to text him. I text him I was pregnant. No reply. I called my best friend. She was thrilled, she comforted me. Reminded me that this was something to be happy about. I thank her for her words. She manage to make me feel safe, as I sat in such a cold, lonely room. Minutes later, a friendly face, Dr. Vazquez. He quickly recapped the situation (you had a positive pregnancy test, but you are spotting, which could mean you have miscarried...) and wheeled in the ultrasound machine. He showed me this huge rod shaped device that would be going inside me (The "rod" is inserted in your vagina when the fetus is too small to be detected by doing a standard belly ultrasound). I was beyond words scared at this point. What if the baby was dead? What would I do? How would I react? What would come next? What if it were alive? These thoughts raced. I uncomfortably took in the rod and within seconds, all thoughts were erased by a very strong heartbeat. My baby lived! I couldn't believe it, it was in fact real, I was carrying a baby. I cried. Dr. Vazaquez and I spoke about things I don't remember. He left the room. I called Luis and he answered. He couldn't believe it.
All this reminded me of one of my favorite shows, I Love Lucy. Specifically the episode where Lucy tells Ricky she is expecting his child. He sings to her a lovely song about "adding a branch" to their family tree. We added one of our own.
"We're Having a Baby, My Baby and Me..."
-Desi Arnaz (Sung to Lucy during episode 10 Season 2: Lucy Is Enceinte)
But back to the hiccup. I had been feeling sick for about a week. Hardcore, this is weird, sick. I had been feeling chest pains, much like heartburn. I had been running to the restroom trying to throw up whatever it was I had in my chest, finding that only foam would come out. This went on for about a week. My fiance told me to go to the doctor, but since it was only "heartburn" I decided to buy heartburn over-the-counter meds, swearing that would take care of it. It didn't. Finally I decided to make a doctors appointment. When I called I was told my doctor was out on maternity leave. I was excited for her, she seemed like a nice lady. I decided to book an appointment with the next available practitioner.
When I arrived at the doctors office I happily waited for my turn. I knew this was a routine thing. I thought he might have me change my diet or something. I had recently started doing P90X and was enjoying vitality, great health and happiness, having almost lost 10 pounds! Once I was called I walked into the cold room and undressed. Finally the doctor came in. He listened to my problem, nodded and told me, "Ok, we will start by giving you a routine pregnancy test, I doubt you are pregnant, but it's important to administer one." I said, "Sure." In my mind though, I thought, "What the f*** do you mean a pregnancy test? I'm not pregnant! I'm on birth control." Plus I had been spotting, so I knew it couldn't be that. Anyway, I peed in cup, and waited, and waited, and waited...by then I was concerned. Why would he have me wait so long! Finally he walked in. His face said more than any words could. He sat on one of those round chairs that roll, looked me straight in the eyes and said the words I dreaded to hear, "Ms. you are pregnant."
I looked at him, smiled and gave him a high five! I couldn't believe it! Reflecting on my reaction, I honestly don't know where that high five came from. It was so spur of the moment, it even startled him! Now for the sad part. Like I said, I had been spotting, which is why I never thought pregnancy could be an outcome. He sadly told me that one reason for the bleeding could be a miscarriage. I was stunned. I had just found out I had a baby inside, to then find out it might be dead? What a sad thought that was. But, and this is the sadder part, it brought along some comfort. The fact was this pregnancy was not planned. I was smack in the middle of planning my wedding. I had the dress picked out and there I sat, having that conversation. We were months away from our wedding date.
The doctor had me go directly to the OBGYN (Obstetrician/Gynecologist) for an ultrasound. I sat there, more nervous than ever. Emotions running wild. I felt sadness. My bursts of happiness were erased by the fact that I was once again, alone in a cold room, my fiance busy at work. I decided to call him, but he was unable to answer. Instead, I had to text him. I text him I was pregnant. No reply. I called my best friend. She was thrilled, she comforted me. Reminded me that this was something to be happy about. I thank her for her words. She manage to make me feel safe, as I sat in such a cold, lonely room. Minutes later, a friendly face, Dr. Vazquez. He quickly recapped the situation (you had a positive pregnancy test, but you are spotting, which could mean you have miscarried...) and wheeled in the ultrasound machine. He showed me this huge rod shaped device that would be going inside me (The "rod" is inserted in your vagina when the fetus is too small to be detected by doing a standard belly ultrasound). I was beyond words scared at this point. What if the baby was dead? What would I do? How would I react? What would come next? What if it were alive? These thoughts raced. I uncomfortably took in the rod and within seconds, all thoughts were erased by a very strong heartbeat. My baby lived! I couldn't believe it, it was in fact real, I was carrying a baby. I cried. Dr. Vazaquez and I spoke about things I don't remember. He left the room. I called Luis and he answered. He couldn't believe it.
All this reminded me of one of my favorite shows, I Love Lucy. Specifically the episode where Lucy tells Ricky she is expecting his child. He sings to her a lovely song about "adding a branch" to their family tree. We added one of our own.
"We're Having a Baby, My Baby and Me..."
-Desi Arnaz (Sung to Lucy during episode 10 Season 2: Lucy Is Enceinte)
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