What was it like?: Turning in a neglected cat

I'm torn. I've thought about this mid sized grey cat for weeks, months. He's been perched outside of a house a block away from mine. We walk by it everyday on our way to school. The cat hardly moved. It was being fed, but it was sick. I knew the homeowners had grown attached to it, there would be cans of cat food in the morning, by the afternoon half eaten cans remained, filled with flies. The cat would eat and go back and perch on a sliver of fence. It rained? The cat stayed. 

It was perched on a half inch fence, a fence only three feet tall. There were places along the small fence that were thicker and once he found those, weeks ago, he stayed there. In the same spot. Throwing up, defecating, same spot, every day. 

It tore me up! My son told me one morning, Mom, is his tummy getting bigger? It was. The cat was in pain. 

I put in a request for animal cruelty yesterday morning. Probably around this same time. I did put the address of the homeowner, I also put in my details. By the afternoon, the cat was not there. I didn't want to think it had already been picked up. It had been 4 hours, max. My worry, was that upon the cat's eventual death, it would rot there. It didn't deserve that. A slow, painful, certain death. 

As we turned the corner to come home after school, I told my kids I had decided to contact the city for help with the cat. My kid's talked about how sad it looked. My son reminded me about the big stomach. He touched my shoulder and told me I did the right thing by getting it help. 

This morning was the truth. Had it taken hours to get him help? I'm not naïve. I know they probably will/have put it to death. Did I want that? Never. But did it deserve to humainley leave this Earth and not feel pain? absolutely. 

It wasn't there. The cat was gone. 

It's 8:58am, just an hour after dropping off my kids and I had to write all this down. This is the type of thoughts that cross my mind. The cat, the perching, sadness, relief. 

Little Kitty Cat, 

I love you. 

What was it like?: Saying enough! To a loved one

If you have read my blog, perhaps you have read about my relationship with my youngest brother. 

I don't believe I was a good sister. I could have been nurturing, but I would often choose not to engage. I don't believe I learned how to express love as a young child. So, although I cared about my brother, I would choose my own interests. Our baby sitter would put us against each other. He was not a calm child. So often, I was tasked with taking care of him, and it was hard. I was young, so as soon as I could, I wanted my own time. 

Did we have a communicative relationship? No. But I did reflect and try to be a better sister as I got older. Yeah. Having kids, and suffering from PMDD turned me into a horrible version of myself, but as I sought help, my heart softened. Medication and therapy conversations helped my heart grow, too. 

Over the years I chose to forgive harsh words, harsh interactions, for the sake of family. But therapy taught me I am not responsible for the words or actions of others. I am responsible for Kathy. For checking in on Kathy and reflecting on their words and actions. Not obsess. But feel; in the moment. 

I was ready to call my parents that week. I was working up the dialog in my head. The words to use that would allow everyone to be heard. Deciding if I wanted to make bullet points but also knowing that would be too impersonal. I was scared of steering off course and stumbling upon a one sided argument with my mom. 

But my brother text me. He text I was abandoning MY family. His level of manipulation was increasing as I was deciding on how to speak to my parents, with days turning into weeks and eventually many months. 

He has always judged me and when able to, made me out to be a bad person. I've tried to give him advise, and ways to help himself. He's often had to apologize for his words. And I knew the last time we had argued, it was going to be the last. I didn't like the version of myself that day. The words I said or the way I yelled. If he was going to bring out the worst in me, it was time to stop communicating. 

I sent him a text with my point of view, as concise and precise as possible. Told him his words were harsh and uncalled for. I was not going to take his behavior and look the other way. 

Yes, he has reached out and I won't call back. I did text him not to come to my home. 

Sometimes, people don't understand the value of others. 

Take care, 

Kat

What was it like?: Having an older brother

so many thoughts running through my head. 

It was fun.

It was frustrating. 

I met my oldest brother when he was 18. He spoke only Spanish. He was funny. I was 14ish. 

Over time our relationship shifted. I grew up. I began to make my own choices and had independence. Did he take advantage? Or did I? Who asked who? Maybe I was too trusting. I asked him to find drugs for me and he did. 

I was already a heavy marijuana user, but as I approached drinking age, a rebellious spirit inside wanted more. One night, we stayed out all night. it was the first and last time. I felt safe with him. I trusted him with things I wouldn't say to anyone. 

Weeks after that night he got in trouble for something. He was talking back to my Mom, diminishing the situation he was in. As I walk from the kitchen to the living room, we lock eyes. He says, "Mom, you are worried about me? You should see all the things she does behind your back!" 

I'm sure I shouted something back. I've never stood down from a verbal match. Let's go! 

Mom stopped us. She said this wasn't about me and to go to my room. I did and she never brought it up again.  

My brother apologized, but it broke my heart. He's my half brother, different fathers. And although I met him at a young age, I never treated him like he wasn't a member of the family. In a moment of frustration, he lashed out on the first person he saw, no care for who I was. 

Our relationship today is cordial. At least there's that. 

Take care, 

Kathy 

First Job Interview in 5 years! + Medication Update

 AAAAHH I went for it. I went on a job interview. It's went well. I applied at my son's elementary school for a teacher's assistant position.  I did not get the job, I was overqualified. I needed to be enrolled in school. Like, babe, I'm done with school. 

The puzzle of who I am became clear to my son's principal. Turns out she had an inclination I may be a teacher since 2018! It's crazy. She knew of my last principal, whom was killed by her husband. Mrs. S read a post I wrote on a Los Angeles Times article back in October of 2018 regarding Brooke's murder. She saw my name on the post. She asked me today if I knew Brooke. Honestly, it felt good to speak Brooke's name. To say lovely things about my dear friend. 

Medication update - I was getting very heavy. Gaining weight and feeling overall gross. I spoke with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication. Dropping one type of medication down by 10mg. I felt a difference soon after lowering my dose. My feelings have been stronger, feelings of depression always come around my period, so every month I get sad, angry, lonely, without fail. No medication will make me feel 100% normal. But it has helped me see myself even when I am angry or sad. I can look at Kathy in the mirror and speak to her and tell her, "Take it easy, you will get through it." And I did. 

I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. 

-Kathy 

(Trigger - Weight discussion) Trying to Melt the Fries off

I have been feeling fat. 

It came on so quickly. 

Within a month I gained 10 pounds, maybe more. 

I couldn't look at the number. I did not want to weigh myself on a scale. My reasoning, it may lead me towards getting stuck over thinking about the number. The large number (I imagined). 

But a mirror. Oh, a mirror says a lot, too. 

I had just gotten out of the shower. 

I was dreading looking at the mirror. I felt unhealthy. Lethargic.

The first thing I looked at was my mid section. My lower tummy was wide, my belly had new stretch marks. I saw my face. It had a double chin, chubby cheeks. 

I went to the living room and told my husband, "You have to tell me when I start to look fat." 

If he would please help me stay on track. 

It was not his fault or his job. 

I have had issues with food all of my life. I overate during my elementary school years. 

I lost a lot of weight in high school when I began a journey of vegetarianism. 

After my kids,  I gained weight. 

After having my kids, I gained weight. 

No excuses, just a trajectory. 

In April I began to tweak my eating. Less fried foods. I began to eat more salads. Eating one less slice of pizza. Little changes I knew would amount to something over time. 

As workouts, I began to use powerbands at home; finding YouTube videos to aid with workouts. 

After one month, I did not see big changes. I knew I was loosing inches in my midsection, but it was taking too long. Maybe it's my age, and if so, it came a knockin' fast! 

So, in May I began to walk my neighborhood; again. It's a mess in Los Angeles. In my area there is a person who has a ridiculous amount of car parts. On the street and on the sidewalk. It's tires, crashed cars for parts. Next to a school. It's sad. It something you cannot escape and something I push through. 

Walking 20-30 minutes, 5 times a week has helped my lower belly go down, and it's fun to have my daughter in the stroller. So for the moment I am walking around my city trying to melt the fries off. 

It has not been easy, but I've managed to go down 10 pounds. Some days a few of the pounds want to creep back in, but I try to keep trucking. My goal is to feel good. And at the moment I do. Some clothes are still feeling tight, I have work to do. But I feel more confident in this journey. I'm focusing on how I feel. My health and how I am expressing myself.   

I think I'm still on track with my New Year Resolutions :/

Take care,

-Kathy 

Ukraine

History, once again, repeating itself.

I always saw it strange how fashion trends flash back again. 

Now look at this war, full of lies, youth at stake. 

It's impossible for me to follow this world as it is. 

I dig and find. 

Conclude in time, 

that here is WWII again. 

For as long as I can remember, Putin was on the wrong side. 

He's killed, admonished and then done it all over again. 

The world looking the other way.

So here we are. 

Repeating the same tactics as Hitler. 

Using youth to kill, using grown ups to ignore and state propaganda as the source. 

Yes, I hear the answer, no WWIII!

We ain't going in. 

Super powers get to choose the time to act. 

But I see beyond that. 

I see what is happening to the old, the mother's and their kids. 

They are dying a slow death, mental and physical. 

Their men, dying in a war full of lies and deceit. 

Both sides, thrown into the fire to see who will burn first. 

While Putin sits in room, screen full of yes men, telling him It's all under control. 

Let's do it!

I've been on a bit of a journey. Like I've shared before, my neighborhood isn't the best. It is dirty, gang infested and can be a downer. I've been walking my neighborhood on and off for the last year and it doesn't get any easier to ignore the BS. Still, I make the effort to get out there and at least take a 10 min. walk. It helps my mental state and gives me a quick heart rate jump. 

I'll give it to most people, I don't seem the most approachable. I'm here to live my best life and small talk and friendship are just not things I look for while taking a walk or taking my son to school. People see that as rude or bitchy. It's not. I had a man come out and tell a woman I seemed conceited. From walking by people, for just a few seconds he deduced I was arrogant. How in the world. 

Another time I'm walking by and some women say to each other, it must be 1:30pm, time to get ready to pick up the kids. 'Cus I'm a damn clock. My last straw was walking by a house and a man saying, loud enough for me to hear him, "to get rid of the love handles." I flipped off the house. Like, what in the world, folks. People cannot see someone and think, she's working out for her health. She seems busy. Nope, its critics and bullshit commentary. 

Has all that deterred me from my goals!

You bet.

It got me in a bit of funk. Not angry, just not productive. Leaving the house to go for walks didn't seem fun anymore. My daughter didn't want to go on walks since they were "too long" for her. So without her saying, "Yeah! Let's go," I stopped. Three weeks later, I've gained weight, and do not like my double chin. My body goes from thin-ish to overweight quickly. But this time instead of hating myself, telling myself I have nothing to wear and all around tearing myself down. I stopped.

I reflected on what goals I want to accomplish. One of them is to loose weight, yes but it is also about t not keep gaining weight. To look at what I'm eating and changing it up. I've ditched my eggs in the morning and started eating salads and adding more meat and veggies to my diet. Less soda during the day means a soda in the evening. More water. I even started doing a Youtube workout. I added resistance bands to my workout to add something new to my routine. 

Point is, don't give up on  yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. Do reflect and make small changes.

Even though I don't take my daughter for 30 min. walks, I take her on 10 min. walks and she gets to pick a few flowers. 

Small changes equate to small victories and over time, they will add up and you'll feel better. 

Living life is the point, so let's do it! 

Feet, YogaToes and cute toes

Finding shoes that fit properly has often been a challenge. I began my teaching career in 2008 and finding properly fitting shoes for hours on my feet was tough. Although shoes were my size, they were often too narrow. I'd walk and be on my feet all day, by dismissal I'd feel miserable. It got to the point where my toes would rub and be squished so much my toes began to change. My smaller toes had a hard callous that formed at the bottom. As I got older I developed bunions, and low arches. In elementary school a friend asked me if my foot hurt when I landed after a jump. I said they did. She told me to tell my mom and go to the doctor because she was given insoles after telling her mom. Since at a young age I knew my mother would not listen, or even worse, get mad. I never told anyone. 

That is until I moved in with my fiancé at 25. He would see how red my feet would be at the end of the day. He'd notice how much I hated wearing my shoes. He encouraged me to spend money on insoles. To find solution to my problem by searching for wide shoes. In the early 2000's wide shoes were often nurse shoes. Not stylish enough for work. But as I looked for alternatives, I found that I cold find shoes online that might fit. They were hit or miss, but it was a relief to just find shoes. 

DSW (Designer Shoe Wearhouse) became a place for me to find shoes and try them on. It always had varieties and it made me feel hopeful. When I found shoes that fit, I'd get so excited. It was like presents on Christmas day. Since leaving teaching my taste in shoes has changed. I am all about comfort! I wear sneakers. I don't care what fashion trends say, I'm taking care of my feet from now on. 

In October of last year, I was introduced to YogaToes GEMS (link takes you to YogaToes' Amazon store). It changed my feet for the better. It stretches my toes giving them relief from walking and the confinement of shoes. They changed my feet so much that I can see my toe nails. Over the years, my toes were facing towards the right on my right foot and towards the left on my left foot. I was embarrassed by my toes. Always wearing socks. YogaToes has helped me love my toes again. I have used them for four months and I am happy to say my toes have begun to face forward, a.k.a. look normal. My pinky toes still face the wrong direction, but thankfully the rest are shifting. It's made it easier to paint my toe nails! Major victory. It transformed them so much I think my feet are cute. Never thought that would be possible for me. 

If you have issues with finding shoes that fit, with the way your toes look, you are not alone. Many of us suffer in silence. Feel misunderstood because ugly toes are things to make fun of, not talk about. Well, I'm here to say that is just not the case. There are products that are helping people like us fix the problems that have plagued us. Be it wide shoes, toe stretchers or toe cushions. 

Take care, 

Kat

*Nothing sponsored 

*Link is safe and takes you to Amazon 

Marijuana and hair loss

One day I woke up, started doing my hair and realized a patch, the size of an inch, on the right side of my head was blond. I have jet black hair. Only colored it once, in high school. It was supposed to turn out blue, but it was a green and blue mess. Ugly it was, but I was young, and didn't care. What I did learn was that the process took a very long time. It required bleaching and waiting. I really had no clue. My mom always dyed her hair from a box, so honestly, I thought you could just put blue dye on my black hair and be on my way. My friend's cousin was doing it, first time I met her. 

I have been getting gray hairs in my 30's, and I love them. It's all good, you know. Will I dye my hair, not any time soon, it just isn't a big deal. That is until my hair started thinning and turning blond. At first I was in denial. I thought OK, this is a process I'm going thorough. After I noticed a bald spot in the same area, I thought to myself, "This is bad." I asked my family and they all gave me the same response: "You can't even tell." That was not good enough, either you see what I see, or you don't. They did. They saw a patch where my hair was thinning. 

My next step was to email my doctor, send her pictures and wait for a response. It came days later as a "Please schedule an appointment to see your doctor." Which lead to the discovery that my primary care doctor was no longer at Kaiser. This was in December. I decided to tackle this problem in 2022. 

Well, 2022 rolls around. At that time I decided to no longer smoke marijuana as a new year resolution. I never thought there might be a link to Marijuana use and hair loss. Apparently there is. The longer someone uses marijuana, the more there is a buildup of THC (the main component in marijuana) on the hair shaft, resulting in a loss of hair health (forhims.com). As a chronic marijuana user, reading that information was a relief. The onset of hair loss came over a period of time. I had introduced new medications to my body and was worried that was the cause of my hair loss. Reading about THC and hair shafts, and links, I thought to myself this might be the reason. 

One month after quitting smoking my hair is growing back. My hair is black and not blonde. It is thicker. Baby hairs are coming in. I cannot see a bald spot, instead I see hair growth. I feel like I'm getting reason after reason to not smoke again. I smell marijuana and I don't crave it. I hear other's speak about marijuana and I share my experience of loosing weight, being present for my kids and living my best life without it. Marijuana is fun. when April 20th (420) rolls around I might be tempted to smoke a blunt or a joint, or two or more, but over the years my use had gone from recreational to a perceived necessity. All I was doing was numbing myself. And messing up my hair. 

Have a wonderful day, 

Kathy 

Embracing how far I've come

Kids are a lot. 

There is no escaping a child that loves you and wants to show it to you. Or a child that is upset and wants you to understand their point of view. 

My children are 4 and 7. Both immature. I mean, they are kids. What do we expect? For him to stop her from throwing herself from our bed and smashing onto the metal frame of another? Nope. I will admit I raised my voice, I searched for a person to blame. After all I was doing chores. I was mopping and vacuuming. But it was my fault. I should have anticipated things. But I didn't. 

My son understood he should be more aware of what his little sister is doing and remind her of where they should be playing. And she got the wind knocked out of her and knows to not jump from one bed to another. As for me, to control my expectations, to listen and empathize. 

That was yesterday, this evening I decided to bring out my laptop. Make time for writing, for creativity. Yes, they might get a little upset that I'm not there to play, but again, I need to have time for myself. Just now I closed the door to write, they were playing in the living room, rolling a ball back and forth with their dad. But me closing the door is like a sign.

Come in, it beckons.

My son just walked in. Came to hug me, give me a kiss and check in on what I was doing. "Listening to music, and writing?" "What are you writing?" He asks. Adult stuff, hun. 

In the past that would have made me angry. Leave me alone, I need space, would have been my thoughts. Now, I understand they love me. They want me to go roll the ball with them. I get it. But I also want to set boundaries. I need time to write. Time to be creative. For months I've had a project in mind, and I just can't get to it. I don't have what I need. I don't have the time or space. My mind can race with thoughts of what I have to do. Cook, clean, play with the kids. Spiraling was a trade I was soooo good at. I would take one thought and run with it. Be a bully and demand my needs be met. I would hate with a passion; unmatched.  

My perspective has changed to being able to listen to the spiraling in my head, to talk myself off the possibility of getting upset, but also prioritize what I need to do. Not the minute details of dust and specks on the floor, instead focusing on what the big tasks to get done are. Today my house was a mess. Each room was a mess. It was making me feel, "Not good" instead of angry. Such a difference in attitudes. I asked for help. "Just take out the trash, or pick up the dog's poop" I texted. Before it would have been anger and frustration. Aggression and dominance. I cannot control others. It took me years and tears to understand. I have to reflect on myself, my feelings before attacking others to prove a point only I understood. 

I'm proud of my family. Immature and all. We are so much closer than we were. I am the glue that keeps us together. It was something I hated to think of because I felt so flawed. So messed up mentally. Today, I begin to embrace how far I have come. How much I mean to this family. I feel good. 

Thank you for reading, 

Kathy 

Marijuana and lifestyle changes

So, keeping it 100 percent honest, I am a marijuana smoker. I have smoked since I was introduced to it when I was 15 years old. When I got pregnant with my children, I stopped cold turkey. I already felt so sick from morning sickness, not smoking was not a big deal. So I stopped twice in my life for roughly two years both times. 

Well, I can tell you that stopping without being pregnant has been hard. I feel many withdrawal symptoms. It's hard to sleep at night. I toss and turn for at least 45 minutes before going to sleep. It used to take me second to fall asleep.  When I go into the room and lay in bed with my thoughts, they are racing. Ugh, it sucks. 

Then there's my appetite, I hardly have one. The usual food we buy or make at home just isn't tasting the same. I'm craving salads! I used to eat salads in my 20's, I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. It's like that part of me wants to come back. Enough munchies, Kat, eat healthy...

Ufff, I bought Starbucks today, and I was scared to drink it because food isn't tasting flavorful. I'm tasting one dominant flavor over the rest, instead of enjoying the entire bite. Today I made guacamole. All I could taste were the chips and cilantro. When I just ate the guacamole with a spoon, it tasted more like guacamole. Who can eat guac without chips???

Turns out its all totally normal. It could take upward of 2 weeks for me to get my appetite back, as well as my sleep cycle returning to normal. 

I've had this nagging feeling that feels like a hangover since I've stopped. 

BUT

I've been more present with my kids. Playing, hugging. I used to want to be alone. Just, I guess, enjoying the high. But I was loosing time. I never smoked around my children. I had a room to go to and would take a break and smoke. Never taking too long, but I acknowledge I had to sneak around to smoke. 

Today, I feel better. I'm craving less fatty foods, and I think because of that I feel less bloated. I feel my confidence growing as I see myself letting go of something I loved, but also something that was not helping us out financially. A jar of weed can cost a couple of dollars or $80+ depending on the level of THC (what gets you high in marijuana) you want. Although we aren't struggling, we need to focus on where our money is going. Is it making our family better? Is in the forefront of our thinking. 

Earlier today I felt angry about something, but it went away after I stated my frustration. No feeling in my chest, just speaking, and letting go. Could it be because I stopped smoking? Maybe. 

I'm taking all this day by day. Do I crave it? Sometimes. But we can do hard things, and I'm doing the damn thing. 

Have a wonderful day, 

-love, Kat.