Hello All,

It's been a while! Things have happened in life, that should, I suppose. I know nothing is ever easy or even fair. Or is it? I've started thinking differently. I need to stay in the present. To remain focused in life and love. Things can be fair, and how they should be,  if I accept them as they are.

Gosh, who knows? All I can do is offer my world, my view and my attempts to rescue; myself.

I left this blog, because it felt lonely. I was spending hours in front of a computer and keyboard, reading and re-reading my work. I take pride in what I write. It matters to me that readers understand my ideas. Then it became a task. I guess my story ended once I gave birth.

So I stopped writing, cold turkey. I did this here, on my other blog, on my emails, with my friends. I went into a deep whole of death. I can be blunt here. Right? Maybe not, but it's the truth. Why shy away from what we truly feel?

Just be cautious, if you don't want to hear the ramblings of a depressed person, come back soon for another post :)



So like I started to say, I started getting these beyond negative thoughts in my head. I felt like the world (mostly my world) would be better off if I died. I have always been a depressed and angry person. I tough combination for myself, but mostly for anyone that was close to me. Only then did you get to see the real me. The real raw me. The one that spat out insults, bad words and just all around hurt to whomever I was angry at. I got angry for absolutely everything! I mean why the hell would anyone love me? That was my biggest struggle, keeping the past in the past. I was always rehashing my shitty attitude. ALWAYS. In my brain. This led to negative thoughts that consumed my day.

Now, I know myself, duh, right? I knew I could never, ever kill myself. I know I'm here for a reason, what that is, be it paying off karmic debt, having a son that will someday be president, saving someones life...whatever it was, I have to own it as my path.

That and during an especially trying day I asked GOD for a sign. I had asked for a sign for so long, it was something I needed so badly that afternoon. I felt alone and misunderstood. I asked for anything he could show me to give me strength to continue to live. This was in 2013 or so. I stood there with my door open, tears rolling down my eyes, and I saw a sign in the sky. From a cloud a huge cross came out and as soon as it came, it disappeared. I regret not getting on my knees and shouting for my husband to come over. But I saw it, and for that and for my family, I live.

My depression intensified after I gave birth (2014) to my son. Honesty has not always been my personal policy when it came to my anger and depression. To clarify, before my son was born I felt anger and mild depression, after his birth my depression became unbearable.  For example, I cried once because a DeLonghi air conditioner sold out. I sobbed uncontrollably for over an hour. I knew things were off, but I never checked the box that asked if I was having depression when I visited the doctors office. They ask you if you are feeling depressed when you see your child's pediatrician, and I never could check yes. I didn't want to talk about it.

It took almost 3 years for me to come clean to my personal physician. Even now she doesn't know the full extent of how I feel, but we are managing my symptoms and overtime I have become more open and honest with her.

Please, don't do as I did. Ask for help as soon as you feel like you are not handling situations as you should. Perhaps you are yelling more, throwing things, crying all the time, feeling sad for no real reason. I for one, feel my anger. I feel it in my chest. When I start to yell or become angry I focus on that feeling and tell myself that is not how I should feel. I should't feel angry when speaking to a loved one. This has helped me stop my mouth from running off. I pray that it continues to help. With my depression I have become more honest, with family and my doctor. I continue to remind myself to stay present, stay thankful, and to notice when I feel my anger rising.

It's taken me about a year to return, because I was not ready. What could I offer, but sadness? That was never the point of this blog. The point is to be honest with my words, and to focus on the goal of making time to write, for me.



Getting the F*** out of my EGO,

Kathy