What was it like?: Having an older brother

so many thoughts running through my head. 

It was fun.

It was frustrating. 

I met my oldest brother when he was 18. He spoke only Spanish. He was funny. I was 14ish. 

Over time our relationship shifted. I grew up. I began to make my own choices and had independence. Did he take advantage? Or did I? Who asked who? Maybe I was too trusting. I asked him to find drugs for me and he did. 

I was already a heavy marijuana user, but as I approached drinking age, a rebellious spirit inside wanted more. One night, we stayed out all night. it was the first and last time. I felt safe with him. I trusted him with things I wouldn't say to anyone. 

Weeks after that night he got in trouble for something. He was talking back to my Mom, diminishing the situation he was in. As I walk from the kitchen to the living room, we lock eyes. He says, "Mom, you are worried about me? You should see all the things she does behind your back!" 

I'm sure I shouted something back. I've never stood down from a verbal match. Let's go! 

Mom stopped us. She said this wasn't about me and to go to my room. I did and she never brought it up again.  

My brother apologized, but it broke my heart. He's my half brother, different fathers. And although I met him at a young age, I never treated him like he wasn't a member of the family. In a moment of frustration, he lashed out on the first person he saw, no care for who I was. 

Our relationship today is cordial. At least there's that. 

Take care, 

Kathy 

First Job Interview in 5 years! + Medication Update

 AAAAHH I went for it. I went on a job interview. It's went well. I applied at my son's elementary school for a teacher's assistant position.  I did not get the job, I was overqualified. I needed to be enrolled in school. Like, babe, I'm done with school. 

The puzzle of who I am became clear to my son's principal. Turns out she had an inclination I may be a teacher since 2018! It's crazy. She knew of my last principal, whom was killed by her husband. Mrs. S read a post I wrote on a Los Angeles Times article back in October of 2018 regarding Brooke's murder. She saw my name on the post. She asked me today if I knew Brooke. Honestly, it felt good to speak Brooke's name. To say lovely things about my dear friend. 

Medication update - I was getting very heavy. Gaining weight and feeling overall gross. I spoke with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication. Dropping one type of medication down by 10mg. I felt a difference soon after lowering my dose. My feelings have been stronger, feelings of depression always come around my period, so every month I get sad, angry, lonely, without fail. No medication will make me feel 100% normal. But it has helped me see myself even when I am angry or sad. I can look at Kathy in the mirror and speak to her and tell her, "Take it easy, you will get through it." And I did. 

I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. 

-Kathy 

(Trigger - Weight discussion) Trying to Melt the Fries off

I have been feeling fat. 

It came on so quickly. 

Within a month I gained 10 pounds, maybe more. 

I couldn't look at the number. I did not want to weigh myself on a scale. My reasoning, it may lead me towards getting stuck over thinking about the number. The large number (I imagined). 

But a mirror. Oh, a mirror says a lot, too. 

I had just gotten out of the shower. 

I was dreading looking at the mirror. I felt unhealthy. Lethargic.

The first thing I looked at was my mid section. My lower tummy was wide, my belly had new stretch marks. I saw my face. It had a double chin, chubby cheeks. 

I went to the living room and told my husband, "You have to tell me when I start to look fat." 

If he would please help me stay on track. 

It was not his fault or his job. 

I have had issues with food all of my life. I overate during my elementary school years. 

I lost a lot of weight in high school when I began a journey of vegetarianism. 

After my kids,  I gained weight. 

After having my kids, I gained weight. 

No excuses, just a trajectory. 

In April I began to tweak my eating. Less fried foods. I began to eat more salads. Eating one less slice of pizza. Little changes I knew would amount to something over time. 

As workouts, I began to use powerbands at home; finding YouTube videos to aid with workouts. 

After one month, I did not see big changes. I knew I was loosing inches in my midsection, but it was taking too long. Maybe it's my age, and if so, it came a knockin' fast! 

So, in May I began to walk my neighborhood; again. It's a mess in Los Angeles. In my area there is a person who has a ridiculous amount of car parts. On the street and on the sidewalk. It's tires, crashed cars for parts. Next to a school. It's sad. It something you cannot escape and something I push through. 

Walking 20-30 minutes, 5 times a week has helped my lower belly go down, and it's fun to have my daughter in the stroller. So for the moment I am walking around my city trying to melt the fries off. 

It has not been easy, but I've managed to go down 10 pounds. Some days a few of the pounds want to creep back in, but I try to keep trucking. My goal is to feel good. And at the moment I do. Some clothes are still feeling tight, I have work to do. But I feel more confident in this journey. I'm focusing on how I feel. My health and how I am expressing myself.   

I think I'm still on track with my New Year Resolutions :/

Take care,

-Kathy