Today was a day for scars. I started searching scars from breast implants (just curious) and ended up looking up C-Section scars (curious as well). I also read a blog post regarding C-Sections (link bellow). The blogger made valid points, specially since everyone's C-Section experience is different. What she wrote on her blog was her truth. Just as what I write here, is mine. Her C-Section experience was not a good one. It was one followed by infection, pain and anger. She seems angry about not being given other options besides a Version or a C-Section. She says that a breech birth could have still been a possibility but that doctors are not willing to participate in one. A colleague who was planning to have her child, naturally, at home, gave me studies on breech babies being born vaginally. As I did more research I found both successful and not breech vaginal births. Reading birth stories of women who tried having their breech babies vaginally, but ultimately had to go in for emergency C-Sections.
My gut told me there was a reason my baby was breech. I knew something was wrong and I did not want to jeopardize his health. Although I truly wanted a standard vaginal birth, I felt that it would be selfish of me to go through with one and have the possibility of harming my son. That in no way is to say that if someone makes a choice to go trough with a vaginal birth with a breech baby, is wrong.
I then read the comments on her blog by posters. Many women had no idea what would happen in the operating room. Some had been in labor for over 10 hours and had to go in for emergency C-Sections. Even when I took my lamaze class I remember our instructor glossing (I write glossing because after facing the reality of a C-section, I realized how little I knew about it) over it. She stated the terms and told us the difference between a standard C-Section (conscious when your baby is being delivered and "bikini line" incision) and an emergency one (The person is put under anesthesia and the incision is vertical on the stomach). Little did I realize that weeks later those terms would haunt my days and nights.
It did haunt me. I felt like a bad mother. A BAD MOTHER! What in the world was wrong with me? Why would that fact, one which I had no control over, make me bad? I stigmatized it. I put it on myself. The failure of my body to go with the flow. To do what is "right." When I told my parents about what was happening they felt bad. Why feel bad? Why the sad faces? I knew there was a reason my son didn't turn. They kept telling me that there was still time for him to turn. They said they would pray, that I should too. I had been praying for days. Asking for my baby to be delivered safely. I had made up my mind that the best thing I could do was to comfort him and accept things as they were. I was tired of being worried.
Then I went and told some folks at work. The first thing our receptionist said was, "Yeah, your belly looks too high for 8 months." I walked to the restroom, looked in the mirror and for the first time (first baby, what did I know about belly placement) I saw what she said. My belly was high. Yup world, my baby is breech. I walked around with shame.
So here we go. Our overnight bag was packed from the failed Version procedure. I had looked at the yellow overhead-luggage for days. At 5:30am I awoke. March 6th came by fast. It was the day my husband and I were to go to the hospital and get our C-section on. I woke up mad that morning. I was annoyed by everything. We were supposed to arrive at the hospital at 6:30am but we were running late. I, the talking clock, kept saying (please insert bratty, know it all voice), "We're late, we're late..." All Lui could do was say, "Yes, we're almost there." Reflecting on that day, I'm sure I DID NOT want to get to the hospital on time or otherwise.
Finally there. I was asked to undress and put on a gown. I felt huge! It was nuts! Lui took pictures of me in that first room :) When I think of that day, it feels like the C-section and our son's birth were separate events, many hours apart. When I think of us getting ready for the C-section, with fondness the same scene plays in my head...
Lui helps me put on my gown. I'm naked under. I try to lay on the bed and cover my butt. I laugh at how big I am as we try to help me up onto the bed. I think about our baby in my belly, listening to us through muffled sound. We were scared. We were lost. But we were never alone, we had each other to latch on to.
Without my husband the C-Section procedure would have been unbearable. He was my go to person, always. If you can, have someone be with you every step of the way. Let them know their role in the delivery. Are they there to listen, just shut up, ask questions for you...They should be equipped with the knowledge that they are there to be your advocate. More so when dealing with something so complicated as an unplanned C-section. In the blog post I referenced earlier, I didn't see her mention her husband. I didn't read women mention their husbands in the comment section. I made it a point to share everything with my husband. The good, the bad, the cranky...I laid it all on the table. We got into this together. Together we prevailed.
Thankfully, we also had an experienced team in our doctors and nurses. Everything felt planned. Sterile. Procedures were in place. The nurses, my OBGYN and his assistant were very professional. They had been through the procedure many times. I sensed their easy nature. They were never pushy. They cared for us. They saw our worried faces. They comforted us and made us laugh. Having Lui there made me feel calm. He made me laugh when he saw me sad. He spoke to our baby. That morning, with its cool weather and bright skies was to be the last time him and I would be alone. We had been together for over 10 years at that point. We were in love and eager.
I'm sure it has to be different when you are having a vaginal birth. In a vaginal birth you have contractions that increases as time goes on and some time later you have a beautiful child. For me there was no pain, time was the factor.
In the next post I'll share what happened in the operating room and more about the technical stuff that happened before. I'll also include some information regarding C-sections.
Here's her blog!
Amanda's Blog - Telling her C-Section truth